to say something about my nephew(from DH) lifestyle?

[MilMae]

My nephew(from my DH side) is 6 year old and is coming to spend summer with us. He doesnt have a routine, eats what he wants when he wants, go to bed at the time he wants. He is brought up by grandmother (tough it shouldnt be an excuse) and the mother doesnt care as she is too occupied with her career.
Last time he came to stay I didnt say anything, as I dont want to get involved and is his grandma (my MIL) who looks after him.
But this time, I'm not sure if I can control. The poor child is as skinny as a stick, doesnt eat any fruit or veg, has chocs for breakfast and icecream for dinner. How on earth the parents and grandparents allow it to happen?
Should I get involved, since they are staying with us, and try to introduce a healthy menu for this poor child?

I find your spelling appalling. I believe you should take more responsibility over it and not neglect it.

But you are looking down on them. You can't help mentioning in virtually every post about the mother, in your words, choosing her career and neglecting her child.

You didn't answer the question as to how this visit came about? I wouldn't be surprised if you engineered this little visit purely for the purposes of "getting involved".

You sound like a nightmare. I feel sorry for your inlaws.

my DH invited his parents to spend the summer with us - they don't live in UK. Hence they are bringing the little one.
I'm very strict about what I eat(feel sorry for DH and he had to get used to it) and I find having a routine very important.
In their house they can spend the whole night awake munching on chocs, but not in my house. I'd like to think I'm not being to unfair about it

I don't think anyone has disagreed with the "your house your rules" notion. But you shot yourself in the foot with all the bitchy comments about the parents selfishly daring to continue working when having a child.

fair comment herecomes... I shall take it into consideration

Just out of interest, what does your DH think about your views on his mother and brother/sister?

Roller... I'm not implying one should stop working when having a child, I myself am going back to work, BUT, I will ensure that my DC have routine set and decent food at the table at the right time.

Ah, so it's just the way the boy's grandmother feeds him that's the problem?

So this is a covert MIL-bashing thread?

Keep going- we'll play AIBU bingo

Roller... my DH has same views as most of you, i.e. I look down on them and am judgemental. Tough, needless to say, I disagree with him

BitofFun, no is not about how grandmother feeds him, is about the lack of routine in his life. How can i 6 year old be fit to go to school when he goes to bed at midnight? and eat nothing nutritious all day?
TBH I think MIL is doing more than she should, since is not her responsibility to look after him.

Where is your Miland DN coming from? I have many friends from different cultures who both work and MIL is the carer as the extended family is their tradition.

Don't think we haven't noticed that it's the mother you're judging, here. ("...doesn't care as too occupied with career" as if the father doesn't count until we asked if he existed.

So you're obviously sexist, to start with.

I think having one's grandmother to provide daytime care while the parents work is an ideal solution for work/life balance, actually. Presumably the grandmother is happy to provide care?

So that's judgemental of other choices, right there.

Who will be caring for your child when you return to work, by the way?

As for 'munching on chocs' are you seriously saying that your guests will be forbidden to eat their own food after dinner? What will you be doing, checking their bags for contraband chocolate?

As for your husband having to get used to your strict eating habits, does that mean that you restrict his diet as well?

Did I not get riled for this, different circumstances, same subject tho

I'm not judging anyone in particular. I'm commenting on the bad habits and would like to do something about it in my house, for the sake of DN.
Most of you have been criticising me and judging me, but have failed to see the main point: "how can a 6 year old child perform well at school when he doesn't eat anything nutritional all day and go to bed at midnight?". Do you all agree this is the correct way of bringing up a child? I know MILs have soft heart and this is the reason I'm criticising the mother as she should have take the role and introduce routine for her son. As for the father, I didn't even mention him because he is even more absent than the mother.
Yes, I know that in certain cultures, they live in extended family and the grandmother care for the children while parents work. But it should not be an excuse for the parents not having any input in the kids should it?
Going back to the point, AMBU to interfere and try to put some routine in DN life?

YABU to interfere. I had pretty much the exact same upbringing as your DN. Both my parents worked since I was a baby, until my mum had my twin brothers when I was 5. In fact we lived with her until I was 2 and my parents found they only place. My Nanny brought me up, and yes she probably fed me all sorts of crap because that is what grandmothers do, and God bless the lot of them!
And my mum was probably earning a pittance in a crap job, as was my dad, just to earn enough to keep us going - my Dad is Spanish and when he came over to England he hardly spoke a word of English, and had to learn the language so he could get a job!
Even after my brothers were born, Nanny still had a huge part in my upbringing as my mum found it hard with my DTBs who were very demanding.
I can assure you that despite eating lots of crap, I do have a pretty healthy diet, and turned out okay, and am grateful for both my parents for working their fingers to the bone to get a decent living, and I know my mum is grateful to her mum for bringing me up!

Frankly you sound very judgy. How can you possibly understand everything about their life, their finances and the way they are raising their child? I could turn around and say it is cruel to try and force a routine on a 3 month old, but I won't as I have no idea if you are or not. Routines are not always necessary for a healthy and happy childhood.

By all means feel free to serve up healthy dishes and snacks, perhaps if he sees you enjoying them, he will be tempted as well and you can give him some good healthy eating habits. But don't make him feel bad if he wants to have crap and doesn't want to eat the healthy stuff as this is the quickest way to induce food related neuroses!

Oh an my brothers have and always had terrible diets, they eat no fruit, only ever eat sweetcorn and they have always been super skinny but extremely healthy and fit, and have rarely had a day's illness in their life!

And FWIW, I did have an Aunt like you, my mum's eldest brother's wife. She had 2 DDs both older than me, and they bullied me, and my Aunt was mean to me when me and Nanny went to visit. As an adult, I cannot stand her she was such a bitch to me, I got seriously uptight when my mum insisted I had to invite her to my wedding, thankfully she declined.
Don't allow your DN to think of you in that way

1. How do you have such an excellent knowledge of your DN's lifestyle when he lives in another country? If your knowledge is from visting - well eating "crap" and going to bed late tend to be what happen when we have visitors here

1. If his schoolwork is suffering that is for his teacher to sort out with his parent(s). In the UK we do tend to send our children earlier to bed than in other countries.

1. You have a 3 month old. I also had lots of great ideas about routines and not feeding my children crap when they were that age

"Most of you have been criticising me and judging me, but have failed to see the main point: "how can a 6 year old child perform well at school when he doesn't eat anything nutritional all day and go to bed at midnight?"."

Well HOW is he doing at school? You just seem to be making an assumption he isn't doing well. You don't say the child is stroppy or doing poorly at school (where he must be eating more conventionally) - you don't seem to know. You are just assuming that this child isn't being brought up well because he isn't being brought up in the way you would like.

If he is Spanish, for example, he will certainly be going to bed much later than an English child, but this doesn't seem to have caused problems for Spanish children.

And lucky you for having a job which conforms itself so well to your idea of child rearing. This child's parents have arranged for their child to be looked after when they aren't there by someone who loves him - this seems to be a win for everyone.

And yes, you do sounds pretty sexist. You are getting stuck right into the mother and giving the father (who is just as responsible for the child) and the grandmother (who is the one who is responsible for the "issues" you describe) a free pass.