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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be annoyed about my manager?

12 replies

Petsville · 15/04/2010 12:41

Sorry, long rant coming up, but I don't want to be accused of AIBU by stealth (this is my first post in AIBU so be gentle!).

I've been working on a project for three months for one person (call her A), and the head of the organisation (call him C) had already said back in February that he was going to take me off it in April and move me to something else - mildly annoying, but not a major problem. This week I finally admitted to C that I'm pregnant (I was running out of time if I want to take maternity leave as am 23 weeks now). I hadn't wanted him to know sooner because I'd had a previous triploid pregnancy that ended at 18 weeks, and I've never been so grateful for anything as I was that I hadn't got round to telling him about that: I took a couple of days' leave for the hospital stay and he never knew (though A did know because I was working on something else for her at the time and I'd told her at 12 weeks).

I said I wanted to keep it as quiet as possible in the organisation as a whole for as long as I could, because it's still very male-dominated and there are some pretty appalling attitudes about. He was fine with that and agreed not to tell anyone who didn't need to know: we talked about what would be sensible for me to do work-wise over the next three months, at which point he suggested leaving me on this project after all and slotting someone else in in the summer when I start my leave. Which left me in a bit of a moral quandary re A - I liked and respected her and we'd worked well together for 18 months on various things, and I knew she'd be furious if I worked on this thing for another three months and then disappeared and she had to get someone new in and get them up to speed at just the point when things are likely to kick off. So I said that that would be nice for me but perhaps not so good for the project, but didn't pursue it further with C because I thought that might be counter-productive (he can be quite difficult to deal with).

After a bit of soul-searching, decided to tell A in strict confidence about the pregnancy and explain that she might want to talk to C and sort out someone new now. So she did, as I expected, and he's agreed to find someone to replace me by the end of next week. Never expected anything much in the way of sympathy or support from her: she doesn't have children of her own and it's not her thing. But (a) she didn't even bother to thank me for the tip-off, and (b) I got a call from her this morning saying she didn't think there was any point in her continuing as my line manager since I'm off this project - basically she couldn't even wait a decent interval, till she got another team member, to get rid of me. So I'm trying to console myself with having done the honourable thing, but it's slightly thin consolation in the circumstances.

If you've got to the end of that rant, AIBU to be a bit annoyed with her? (I'm also now feeling really depressed about my prospects in this job, but I'm the breadwinner and it would be almost impossible for me to move at the moment.)

OP posts:
itsmeitsmeolord · 15/04/2010 12:48

YABU. it's a business and she is right not to spend time managing you if she needs to allocate that time to training someone new now.
Sorry. Congrats on your pregnancy.

Petsville · 15/04/2010 12:49

She hasn't got the someone new yet!

OP posts:
LittleMrsHappy · 15/04/2010 12:52

what are you going to do now?

Congratulations also x

Petsville · 15/04/2010 13:00

I have no idea. Have this baby, get back to work and if her attitude to me is replicated across the organisation start looking for another job where they won't know I've had a baby, I suppose. There definitely won't be any more after this so at least the same thing can't happen again.

OP posts:
itsmeitsmeolord · 15/04/2010 13:03

I don't see how she has an attitude though. Not being interested in someones impending new arrivals other than from a business point of view doesn't mean that someone has an attitude. Just that their focus is different. She may not feel that you require thanking for the "tipoff". She may feel that she should have been involved sooner?

Even if she hasn't got someone yet there is still an increase in her workload.

Petsville · 15/04/2010 13:11

I didn't expect her to be interested or sympathetic to me personally - as I said in my original post, it's not her thing. However, we'd worked closely together for 18 months and (I thought) got on very well, and I was hoping for something a bit better than "right, you're pregnant so I don't want anything to do with you from now on".

And I might have told her sooner if we hadn't previously already been told I was coming off the project in April - there wasn't any reason to involve her till now, and she hasn't suggested that there was.

OP posts:
itsmeitsmeolord · 15/04/2010 16:00

I think the key is that you work together but don't socialise and don't seem to really have anything in common.

So, from her perspective, she probably didn't consider that you might want something more than that.

AbsOfCroissant · 15/04/2010 16:19

I think YAB a bit U

She hasn't had a go at you or anything, just hasn't been grateful and kept you on for longer. I don't think that her stopping being your line manager was a personal affront or rejection, just being uber practical (maybe she could have been nicer about it, but its a work environment; practicality comes first).

AbsOfCroissant · 15/04/2010 16:20

And as for you doing the right thing - it is good that you were so honest with her and C, but sadly, I find that doing the right thing is seldom recognised or rewarded (in my current job, which I am resigning from tomorrow , not even doing your work is recognised)

singsinthebath · 15/04/2010 16:26

As an employer with a small business and a mum I can see things from both sides.

She may think that you've left it quite late to announce your pregnancy, not realising that there is a previous history of late mc, and could be feeling that you could have given a bit more notice.

Having worked in larger male dominated offices before having the baby, I would suggest giving as much informal support to your replacement on the project, and hopefully when you return from maternity leave they'll remember you as a "helpful" person who tried to facilitate and manage time off during pregnancy.

Petsville · 15/04/2010 16:43

Probably I am being unreasonable - but it had been a really good relationship. I'm not sure where itsme got the idea that we didn't have anything in common or didn't socialise - till this morning I would have said we had quite a lot in common, and we socialised as much as anyone in our place does. And I wouldn't have told her I was pregnant first time round if we hadn't been reasonably close - singsinthebath, I did say in my original post that she knew the history. To be fair on her, she did try to be sympathetic then - I said the absolute minimum to her, but had to explain why I was taking two days' leave with no notice.

Heigh ho. I'll chalk it up to experience and look for another job if things aren't better when I get back.

OP posts:
singsinthebath · 15/04/2010 17:09

Sorry I missed that bit - quite a long posting.

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