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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

asking for flowers...gestures...

16 replies

elmyra · 15/04/2010 12:06

I'm a very romantic person and my DH used to be too until we got married. Now the problem is that in our 2 years of marriage he has never bought me flowers or cards or chocolates or anything cute. He's a very calculated person and keeps track of each penny he spends. Sometimes also tells me that I should cut down even on essentials. In the beginning I thought that these things aren't important but now I've developed this feeling that if I want him to show lil gestures there's nothing wrong with it.

We didn't celebrate valentine's, my birthday or his birthday because we were short on cash (but he still managed to spend a hefty amount on his brother's wedding) and I just feel that a stem of rose wouldn't have cost that much.

Plus he says that if I remind it he'll buy it for me. And when I do remind him he says its difficult to park the car and go all the way since there aren't any decent flower shops around (which is not true). Plus the street beggars will annoy him once he gets out of the car to buy flowers and so on.

Am I being unreasonable if I feel that he just doesn't want to give any input in our relationship? And needs excuses to blame everything on others (mostly me).

OP posts:
MyCatIsABastard · 15/04/2010 12:09

YANBU I think. Particularly if he did all this before you were married.

Sorry though, I don't have any tips for you on how to get him to be more romantic. Do you do things for him?

WitchyWooWoo · 15/04/2010 12:15

when you have a friend over, get her to talk about what lovely flowers she got from her oh, how they weren't all that expensive but the gesture made her feel so loved when your dh is in the room, that should make him think

yanbu, flowers are not expensive and really lovely to get girlie and [sick face] as that is.

minipie · 15/04/2010 12:15

YANBU for asking for a bit of effort/ romance from your DH. BUT it doesn't have to mean money, if he is genuinely worried about the cost. How about suggesting your DH cooks you dinner, gives you a massage, sends you sweet text messages etc. Those things are romantic and free.

tablefor3 · 15/04/2010 12:17

Elmyra - There is a theory that different people express love in different ways. I think that there are meant to be five:

physical
verbal
gifts
time
doing things for someone

And most people have 1 or 2 preferred methods of communicating and receiving love, whether from a spouse, family or friends. The problems come when people have methods. So you like to have gifts as a demonstration of that love, whereas your DH may instinctively go for, say, spending time together or through physical affection. Do you think that there might be anything in that for your relationship?

tablefor3 · 15/04/2010 12:17

Clearly, that should have read when "people have different methods" ....

scaryteacher · 15/04/2010 12:22

My dh is a very practical person. However, I get a mug of tea in bed every day when he is not away for work; and when he is away I get a phone call every morning, no matter where he is, to get me up.

I know from the above that he is thinking of me.

MorrisZapp · 15/04/2010 12:28

tablefor3, that's a sensible idea, but the OP said he used to be romantic before they got married, however now after marriage he finds that street beggars put him off going to the florists.

Assuming they haven't moved to downtown Marrakech, it sounds like he does know exactly how to nourish a relationship but doesn't bother his arse as he thinks that after marriage no further effort has to be made.

Loads of people do think like this, imo they have to be made to see that love and romance don't end when a couple reaches marriage or cohabiting or whatever.

paisleyleaf · 15/04/2010 12:42

I'm glad I read your list there tablefor3. I was sat here then thinking 'hey,yes, I want to be getting flowers too' - but actually DH is great with other things from that list, and it makes sense.

elmyra · 15/04/2010 13:00

Well, you're right tablefor3. Things would have been much better if he was expressing his love through other means. I literally have to beg him to make love once a month and sometimes twice if I get lucky. And even then he comes closer only when he feels like. Most of the times he's tired, has over eaten or has loads of work in pending.

Just to add he works from home (he's self employed) so is that the reason? He got bored of our relationship and me?

OP posts:
elmyra · 15/04/2010 13:06

minipie: those are exactly the things I ask for...even saying ILU out of the blue is romantic. But he says he forgets to...

WitchyWooWoo: I don't really have any friends(my DH disliked most of my friends so I had to cut off with them after marriage) and the ones I do won't be welcomed at my place since I live in a joint family.

Scaryteacher: That's exactly I'm asking for, lil gestures. God bless you and your husband.

OP posts:
tablefor3 · 15/04/2010 14:17

I know that OP said that he had stopped, I was just hopeful that he had replaced it with something else.

Elmyra - I think if I were you i would tell him that you love him, but that marriage (like your flowers) need to be tended and watered. You can ask him what he would like from you to help the relationship continue to flourish and lead on to your desire for flowers/dinner out/declarations of love/whatever it is

If he is uninterested after that, well, you will have a lot to consider.

ps - perhaps it's just how you phrased it, but I don;t like the fact that he forced you to cut off your friends. That's seldom good.

specialmagiclady · 15/04/2010 14:21

I have to say that massive alarm bells went off re the cutting off from friends thing. Sounds like he may be an A1 shitbag.

fuzzywuzzy · 15/04/2010 14:26

Ditto specialmagiclady!

paisleyleaf · 15/04/2010 14:31

hmmm I'd rather have my friends than flowers.
I'm not sure flowers/romantic gestures are your problem.

WitchyWooWoo · 15/04/2010 15:02

im a bit dumb, what does a joint family mean?

worried a bit as he made you cut your ties with your old friends... this goes far further than flowers and chocolates

fuzzywuzzy · 15/04/2010 15:42

What I get from the OP, is, that she lives with her husbands family, has no friends as her husband disapproves and her inlaws wouldn't like them visiting, her husband seems to be paying for luxuries for his family but refuses to spend on small tokens for his wife, it also sounds like he is not very intimately close with her either.

How long have you been married, do you have children, are you happy to live like this indefinitely with children thrown into the mix???

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