to not want a reconciliation with my mother

[Hod]

I have had a long running fall out with my mother and rarely see her. In fact, I tend to think of her as dead. Not hate, just think of her as no longer with us. I have a feeling that there is going to be some sort of reconciliation attempt. Thing is, I love not seeing her at Christmas and Easter most of all. The very last thing I want is to lose my excuse not to go there. I have toyed with the idea of murdering her myself, but I don't drive and I think a car would be essential. I have tried hard to love her but I have failed. On a bad day I can still smell her.

So the prob is, I don't want a reconciliation because I find not having to see her a luxury. Last night in bed I was reliving every awful moment of our 'family' Christmases; the shit food, the tension, the tweeness, the beady-eyed disapproval of EVERYTHING. I don't want to go back. I don't care how much she apologises, I TREASURE my divorce from her.

She is a cow and I am not going to her funeral. I look at my friends now who have daughters and go to all sort of lenghths to make them feel good, not giving them issues with their weight and body image. My mother never ever told me I was pretty, told me I was fat, told me I was anorexic. Picks fault in everything. She used to hurt my ds and he complained to me, and I told her and that was another mistake. She is utterly toxic and I would do anything to avoid being part of her foul food and stupid, bitchy, negative conversation. Don't make me go there.

Expect to be flamed, but feel better for getting it out.

Hod, your OP was really funny - you really made me laugh!

It's true that letting go is a relief.

My mother also had this "constant invitation to bitch" - I hated it - she ripped everyone to pieces behind their backs and it was such a chore to go and see her.

She now tells the family how awful I am for not seeing her anymore - and they believe her! If only they knew the names she calls them behind their backs!

You've obviously come out of it with some sort of sanity and a sense of humour - she presumably has neither.

KoalaSar, gee thanks, yours cheered me up too. She once came to stay with me and left her handbrake off and it rolled across a farmyard and knocked down a wall belonging to my landlord. It was one of my top ten moments. She was on full criticise every atom form, looked out of her window and the car was gone. That did mean at least that she spent the rest of the visit worrying about the car instead of criticising me. She did leave the handbrake off herself, I didn't do it. I would have done it if I had thought of it.

She also gave me the most bizarre talk about the birds and the bees. She is a doctor, so you'd imagine she would manage it. She told me about periods in a way that scared me and confused me. I was about 10 and she was telling me about blood pouring out from between my legs (her phrase) and how I had to stop it with a pad between my legs. I imagined from that, having to wedge a cloth between my knees to catch the flow and walk around like a duck. Of course I was confused why I never saw women waddling around with a towel held there by their knees. I know it sounds daft, but I was v young.

Similarly, after her explanation of sex, I imagined my dad's willy growing really really long, like a hose pipe, and sidling along the skirting boards, down the side of the stairs, through the back door and down the garden where my mother was digging or something. The elongated willy would then go up her skirt and inside her. Again, I was confused that I had never noticed this amazing willy as it wended its way round the house.

Hold my hand and tell me I don't have to do Christmas there again. It's not that the food is bad, it's that she thinks she is Nigella Lawson

you certainly have a way with words and a deadpan delivery

love the cliff top anecdote

me too - 'the woman who bore me' somehow 'mother' just sounds too loving

I am liking the hosepipe willy snaking along the skirting boards

hod...YANBU

she sounds inhuman

My dp is in favour of a reconciliation, because he is a good Christian boy. Any Fucker, glad to have your thoughts. It is pretty hard to explain to him how happy I am to be estranged. He doesn't get it at all, although he has memorably described her as 'pathological'. Whatever that means. The problem is that I love love love the benefits of estrangement and I don't want anyone to take it away from me.

The other issue, which hasn't yet reared it's head is looking after her when she is too old to look after herself. I don't want to shirk so that my sibs have more burden. I am happy to make her months and months of lovely microwaveable meals. If she ever lost the ability to speak and was bedbound I would have her here with me, and just treat her like a much loved dumb animal.

I don't mind any amount of nursing and clearing up shit and vomit and pus. I wonder if we could organise some sort of mother swap. I will look after someone's mother who lives near me, and someone who lives in my mum's town can look after my mum.

Oddly, many of my real friends are over 70, and I get on with them like a house on fire.

Notanotter, could I pick you up an a little typo in your post; it's the woman who boreS me.

I haven't seen my mum for two years, and it occasionally makes me sad that I don't miss her one bit, weird as that sounds.

I know exactly what you mean about the veneer of respectability which is actually rotten to the core underneath. My mum wants everyone to think she's a family oriented, caring, honest woman who unconditionally loves her children. The reality is that she's an arrogant, manipulative, sly cow.

Just the sheer relief in your posts shows you are making the right decision, it's like the biggest weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I'm glad for you

Really big thanks to everyone who replied.
I will keep this thread handy should I weaken.

Hod, I can totally sympathise with you, she sounds a lot like my mum and I felt very much as you do. Thankfully, my mum is dead (I didn't kill her unless fantasising about her dying counts). I used to be so angry, but now feel more sad that my sisters and I didn't have what I consider a normal relationship. You know, like baking stuff as children, or making things together, or being able to talk about things, boyfriends, friend problems, anything, in fact. A story to sum up my mum- I was a teenager and because of stress caused by her, had gastritis, couldn't eat or sleep properly, was seriously under weight- all she said was 'I was thinner than you when I was your age'. I moved out a couple of months later and had very little to do with her from then on.

After she died I found out that she had suffered from narcissistic personality disorder. It was such a relief to find this out, particularly as I'd felt guilty about not trying to talk to her about our lack of relationship- as it turns out there is no point- they won't change. I also had some cognitive behavioural therapy to deal with poor self esteem as a result of fucked up upbringing. Worked really well for me.

If you think this might be what your mum has (try Wikipedia or just google for description), I can recommend a good book- 'Children of the self absorbed...' by Nina Brown. The important thing is that you feel helped and supported. You're not alone. Hang in there.

No, Hod, you never have to have Christmas there again.

Christmas 2008 we didn't have my mother (she spent the day at home with my sister, who still lives there and can't see what she's like).

It got to about December 22nd and she sent me an e-mail actually offering to come for xmas lunch, something along the lines "If I'd have known it was just the four of you - well, you should have said because I would have come for xmas lunch". She followed this on the 24th with "You can come here, if you like. Actually, Mr Koala's parents can come too if they like".

Like we'd suddenly decide to spend xmas there on December 24th - as though my in-laws wouldn't have other plans by then. She has no inkling of another person's viewpoint - Christmas with her is truly awful.

I'm sure this rings lots of bells for you! You aren't alone, though it probably often feels as though you are. The internet is a great source of support when you know where to look (and what to read). I wish we could all meet up and just have a huge ten minute rant followed by a round of applause and a hug!

Um, you say you don't see your Mum anymore but it sounds like she is very much in your life. She is still consuming you and it sounds like a lot of your mental energy is going on this. I would recommend reading this.

BTW, I haven't seen or spoken to my Mum in over 12 years. You never have to go back, I've never regretted it. She has tried reconciliation, I just burnt the letters she sent. I rarely think about her anymore.