that it is slightly unfair..(may be sensetive topic)

[thisisnotwhoyouthink]

..that if someone is having issues with a family member (usually parents) that they quite often get slammed for it, because other posters come in and say " well at least you have a Mum/Dad/whoever, so just be grateful" ?

I understand that people have lost loved ones, I really do. I understand that you would miss them. A lot.

BUT this doesnt mean that everyone else whose mum/dad/whatever is still here has/had as good a relationship with their family member as you did. And isnt it a bit unfair to slam them for having a whinge/vent or not having as good as relationship just because you miss your loved one?

Some people have genuine issues with these family members, some have genuinely crap upbringings, some have different ideas of privacy and acceptable-ness and the boundaries that people set are not going to be the same as you would set for your family. Because we are all different.

So yes, you may THINK well I miss mum/dad/whoever, but that doesnt mean that everyone else should put up with crap from their family because they are still around.

Or am I wrong and it is ok to tell people to put up with crap from family members because they are alive and 'family'?

Claire - That would have gone down like a lead balloon!!

well im currently dealing with 'parental issues' and my childhood, and although i don't want anyone feeling sorry or pity for me i did start another thread in the mental health forum and was told basically by another member that because my mum was mentaly unwell at the time - ( well enough to get pissed and have a fun time away from us ) that i shouldn't mention the feelings and thoughts i have about how she abused and neglected me.
It seemed highly unfair to me to be told that because my mother had an ' excuse ' i should just deal with it alone and not upset her now she is recovered, because it really wasn't her fault!

trust me i have no trivial issues with my mother, i don't care about the fact i never had new clothes, or has to share a room with 3 other siblings or that i always had to baby sit ( from 8 yrs old )

the things that do still upset me are so horrible id rather not talk about it here,
but just because my mum wasn't completely capable doesn't mean my feelings/issues are less important or invaild.
being told so just compounds the feeling that your not worth anything, your feelings don't count and that you haven't got a vaild reason to why you are what you are now.-
( i also have MH issues now )

Haven't read whatever other thread this is about, and I have been away for awhile... a lighthearted moan is fine. Really.

But I do get seriously narked off when someone comes on and says (example) "oooh, my mil has my kids 2 days a week, and we asked her to have them for a certain date (weeks/months in advance) but now she can't - what a cow"
THOSE threads tick me off severely - and why shouldn't they? Some people really don't seem to know how lucky they are.

YANBU.

You most definately have a point; but....

The juxtapositions voiced (might) in some way help.

I have miscarried,been infertile, lost parents (in law), have useless parents; been through trauma because of all four's illnesses; been an older Mum.

The value of this site is that it allows opinion.
The dilemma of this site is that one is exposed to many differing opinions.

ClaireDeLoon; a new Mum responded totally inappropriately to the conception thread; she was obviously very traumatised by her birth.

It is no way appropriate; but at the same time I kind of understand it.

I was 8 years childless (with all the trauma that brings); and then I tore (badly)at birth and couldn't poo for a month without tearing...

No one knows what has gone before, unless we talk; so I do think you are being unreasonable.

YAB a bit U.

I agree that just because you have parents does not guarantee that they will be good parents or that you will have a good relationship with them.

On the other hand I do find it a bit annoying when my dh moans about trivial things his dad has done, when my own dad died 2 years' ago.

A few of my friends had also lost their parents relatively young and although you sympathise and say 'it must be awful' to be honest until you lose a parent you have absolutely no idea about what it is really like. I'm sure it's much the same for people who have had miscarriages, lost dc, or for that matter suffered abuse of whatever kind. Until you experience it yourself you can't really understand what that person is feeling. You might think you do, but it doesn't touch it.

I would give away all my material things to have my dad back for just one day. So yes I do find it annoying when people moan about the trivial things their parents do wrong.

Have just read a few other posts and yes I do think it's a bit strong to reply to a thread when someone is moaning about something and saying 'well you shouldn't because....'

Although I have mentioned my dad in a previous post I'm not asking for sympathy or expecting any 'there there's. I'm just stating a fact. None of you knew him, so his death doesn't actually affect any of you.

I do sit on my hands a lot when I read posts although sometimes I feel compelled to reply!

I've kept my mouth shut a few times when I've been thinking (for example) "look, your mum could be dead this time next week - cut her some slack ffs". I do think there are times when it would be appropriate, somehow and with kinder words, to point this little fact out. But not if you're using it as a trump card. Or if someone's DM is clearly a nasty piece of work.

It isn't about being all bitter and "you're lucky - at least your mum's alive". It's more about "in the scheme of things this doesn't matter", and knowing that because my mum is dead and knowing some of the regrets I have. Much in the same way as people often say "nobody ever said on their deathbed that they wished they'd spent more time in the office". If that makes sense

Yanbu at all and I agree with Privet that the "trump card" strategy is used way too often.