to expect others to just once ask how I am AND mean it?

[CastleInTheSky]

I have a bit of a problem with my MIL. She would describe herself as extremely caring and helping others all the time (well, one could call it being a busybody, but I am trying to be charitable). Family means everything to her, blah blah blah.

My own mother died in June last year. Not once has my MIL (or anybody else for that matter) asked me how I am coping/feeling. I fully acknowledge, that my friends have their own lifes to get on with; this is not a subject I expect any of them to bring up. But am I really expecting too much of someone who makes such a song and dance about family being so important (she believes I should cancel play dates so that she can see her grandchildren whenever it suits her etc)?

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.

I think maybe your MIL doesn't really know how to broach the subject of your loss. Has your DH been supportive of you during your grief?

I don't think that you are being at all unreasonable but people just don't think half the time and it sounds as if she is like that. Maybe it's worth while telling her how much you miss your mother and how difficult it can be for you?

People are busy, but I think it's perfectly okay to say to a friend (or your MIL) how you're feeling.

Maybe it's worth starting a thread in bereavement to 'talk' things over.

Have you got any close friends you can talk to? So sorry for your loss, how are you coping other than this? xx Sometimes people just don't think, maybe you should start the conversation with your MIL and see where it leads

I am sorry for your loss, and I suspect MIL does feel bad but is assuming that as you dont mention it, its all OK.

BVut its not OK is it? Its only been a year, and I am sure you still miss her every day. Bless you.

I see why you are annoyed,. and suspect as she does have this "mother" thing you have higher expectations of her.

Maybe its time to let friends and family know you ARE still grieving, and just have a good old cry x I bet people will be supportive

Thanks all for your messages. It feels so nice not to be completely alone.

Yes, I guess I could bring it up with my MIL, but when to find a moment when she is not bouncing one of he grandchildren...

I think I am just trying to hard not to get others down, as I don't really start off talking about how much I miss my mum. I guess others just think I am coping very well.

The only person I talk to is my DH, but I find that his tendency to try to fix it makes me pull myself back together before I have started to let my feelings show too much.

I think my daughter's first birthday two weeks ago just made things resurface again. It would have just been nice if somebody had acknowledged that my Mum was missing.

Will definitely give the bereavement board a go.

xx

After my mum died I'd have hated it if people had put on concerned expressions and asked me how I was all the time. I preferred to talk about my mum when I wanted to talk about her. I suppose because of that I would never ask someone else (except dad and sibs) how they are after a bereavement. I'd feel it was up to them to raise the subject if they wish and would feel I was prying by raising it out of the blue.