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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect a response???

21 replies

loflo · 11/04/2010 16:46

My dear dad is about to turn 70. And he has never known what happened to his maternal grandmother as she gave birth to his mum (my gran) when she was unmarried, my gran was adopted by another family locally and my great gran moved to the other end of the country.

So I have been doing loads of research and discovered that my great gran met a bloke and got married and had three other children. And I have tracked down one of their children who shares a granny with my Dad.

I phoned her a few months ago and followed it up with loads of info and photocopies of certificates and photos. And explained that I would really love it if she could perhaps give me a photo of my great gran so that I can pass on to my Dad who has never seen a picture of her.

But I have had nothing back and feel really . Soon it will be my dads birthday and its the one thing I really wanted to be able to do for him.

So AIBU to expect a response and WWYD?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

comtessa · 11/04/2010 16:53

I know it sounds obvious, but have you tried calling her again to jog her memory? Or even send a SAE to her so it's as little effort as possible? Alternatively, could you ask her to tell you where you might find a photo (local newspaper archive etc)

Another idea might be to call the local paper in her area, explain that you're trying to find photos - maybe don't mention that you've already contact her! - and ask if they could put out an appeal for photos or memories. Other family or friends may have photos.

Good luck and I think it's a really nice thing you're doing for your dad. xx

Scrudd · 11/04/2010 16:54

Maybe she died!

Original poster

loflo · 11/04/2010 16:57

No shes definitely not dead and have tried the local heritage centre but they can't find any photos. I know its stupid to be upset by it but I just wanted to try and put the pieces together for him. I know the names of her siblings (was just luck I found her first) so will maybe try and see if I can track them down.

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 11/04/2010 17:00

Did you ever consider that this was probably a considerable surprise to her, that her granny had an illegitimate child and perhaps she doesn't want to do anything with it? Or that she has to talk to her mum or someone about it and doesn't want to upset them with this news?

Original poster

loflo · 11/04/2010 17:05

I know it was a total surprise to her and can understand that it is a shock. But it is more than two months since I made contact and sent information, and am now just left feeling sad that it would appear she has no interest in her grans story.

Now I don't even know whether I should tell my Dad that I have found them

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 11/04/2010 18:53

Honestly? Yes, you are being very unreasonable and should probably leave it well alone. Unless she asked you for the "loads of info and photocopies of certificates and photos", it sounds like far too much, too soon. I suspect you have utterly shocked her and have tried to drive what should be a very gradual process far too quickly. If what you really want is a just the photo, I would suggest sending a second, very apologetic letter complete with a stamped and addressed envelope. Stress that you absolutely do not wish to upset her or any member of the family, and that you are not looking for an immediate, if any, relationship. But that you would be beyond grateful if she could spare the time to look for just one photo for you. You get the drift.

But I wouldn't expect anything back to be honest, and I certainly wouldn't tell your dad about it.

Original poster

loflo · 11/04/2010 19:26

Not sure why I should leave well alone? After all she is related to me too? And yes she asked me to send her the information I had so that she could see if for herself.

When I initially spoke to her although she was shocked I think other things fell into place.

And when my great granny died at the other end of the country someone cared enough to put a death notice in the local paper in our area (in the seventies).

As for an apologetic letter don't think thats right??? Not sure what I have to apologise for?

OP posts:

BuzzingNoise · 11/04/2010 19:28

YABU. It's a huge shock to find that you have family that you didn't know about, and often it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

Original poster

loflo · 11/04/2010 19:35

I understand its a shock but its the truth. And it happened. And for the sake of my granny and my dad I feel that a photo is not too much to ask for. Or at least an acknowledgement. But then maybe thats just how I feel.

Or maybe they are just not the kind of folk who don't care or want to know.....

OP posts:

Tanga · 11/04/2010 19:57

What a lovely thing to try to do for your Dad, you must be really disappointed that she hasn't responded.

On the other hand, a similar kind of thing happened to my exMIL. she was contacted by a chap and discovered that her older sister had had an illegitimate child and had given it up for adoption. They did meet up in the end but the initial shock to her was profound, really dreadfully upsetting, particularly as her sister was dead and she couldn't ask anyone about it.

Jaggers · 11/04/2010 20:04

As an adopted child myself, I know that when a birth family is contacted by an adopted child it can raise a lot of issues, such as feelings of betrayal, and that they never really knew their family member. Think what effect has this news had on their family.

At the end of the day if they haven't contacted you it's clear they wont want you to contact them again either!

I have never contacted my birth mother I have no desire to do so. My brother however has made contact with his birth family and it was a very painful process, for involved. You need to respect their wishes.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 11/04/2010 20:28

It's a nice idea to do for your dad but if she wanted to respond, she would have done. You can't force people and you can't pressure them. You have done all you can, and all you now can do is leave it.

Original poster

loflo · 11/04/2010 20:36

I totally am aware that I have to respect their wishes but just can't understand the lack of care for the other people involved.

I am well aware that this news may not be totally welcome. But my great granny and also my gran have been dead for decades now and its is part of all of our histories that cannot be denied.

My gran was happily adopted and never expressed an interest in knowing more about her mum, and my DS is also adopted so it has touched all our lives.

Making contact was not done lightly or without great thought for the feelings of the people involved.

OP posts:

CirrhosisByTheSea · 11/04/2010 20:41

I just think you can't make it the right time for them. It was the time YOU chose to do the research and contact them etc - that's your timetable, not theirs and of course you can't do anything but respect that.

It's a shame they haven't followed up but to be honest, if I was your Dad, it would mean more to me that you had tried hard to dothis for me, than it would getting a photo sent through

Original poster

loflo · 11/04/2010 21:01

Thanks Cirrhosis - I know he will just be pleased to know his grannys story and that she moved on with her life and hopefully found happiness

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 11/04/2010 21:06

Do you really not see how earth shattering this might be for them, how difficult it might be for them to understand what happened, how it could happen, let alone even begin to accept it? In a way it's not about you, or your dad, or even your gran. It's about the fact that the other family haven't had the experience and knowledge that you have. That they haven't had the time, the years, to come to terms with it that you have. It is as far from a lack of care on their side as I can imagine, do you really not see that? You have to be patient, you have to allow them the time to adjust, and ultimately, you have to allow them the choice to walk away. This is not your decision to make, and to them it's not your family, it's theirs. You are the outsider to them, and in most families it's usual to close ranks against outsiders. Please allow them the time, please.

I really hope you get the result you're looking for, I do, but I don't think you should get your hopes up.

runnybottom · 11/04/2010 21:35

She might not have a photo? Photos used to be fairly rare.....

Original poster

loflo · 11/04/2010 22:14

I am not debating their feelings or how weird it must be to hear something new about a person that you knew well and loved lots.

I am just surprised that you wouldn't want to know more and find out about the people on the other side of the equation. But that might just be me as I am a nosy mare.....

I truly hope that my great gran had lots of lovely years with her family - it can't have been easy for her to have to walk away from her daughter. But thats just how it was then.

I appreciate all your thoughts.

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 12/04/2010 06:51

Oh I'm as nosy as they come and am very into genealogy The number of hours I've spent tracing our family bores the pants of my husband, and he's none too impressed with the money I've spent on verifying it all with certs either But I'm under no illusions that others share my passions and whilst there have been no (known!) illegitimacies as recently as my grandparent's generation there have been further back, and I've even managed to track what happened to them. I've been toying with making contact (they too are being reserched by others in the online world) but it's such a delicate area that I haven't as yet.

Hoping things work out for you x

porcamiseria · 12/04/2010 12:45

I would park it, as TBH you might have stirrred up (inadvertantly) a hornets nest. OR she is a lazy bint. But this is muddy water so best leave it. Its nice that you did it for your dad tho

fernie3 · 12/04/2010 13:05

I would leave it. I researched alot into my family tree and tbh wish I had left it alone. My greatgrandmother had no idea who she was (lived in a childrens home through her childhood) and made up a long winded story about a lovely family where the parents had died young leaving 3 children in the homes. The family exsisited but turned out to be that of someone she worked with as a teenager - her realy mother had 4 children (one of whom no one ever knew about) 3 different father a multitude of addresses and it is likley that she abandoned them rather than dying. My grandmother was shocked that her mother had lied all these years, it would have been better to leave it where it was! It was easy to find the lie because I emailed a relative of my "supposed" great grandmother and found out that the woman who she pretended to be had died young and childless.

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