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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

QUICK AIBU please - DP and parents

26 replies

JaneS · 11/04/2010 12:09

My parents are driving down to see us, due to arrive soon. DP is already polishing up his 'ooh, I don't feel well' act.

My parents are quite a strain, but they've only been down twice since we moved in last November. I've been up to theirs a few times in between, but DP has always been too busy.

DP told me he was free until 4 today, turns out he'll have to go at 3 which means we can't walk to the pub my I wanted to take my dad to. I am pretty sure that any minute DP will give me a martyred look and tell me he's not feeling well enough to come out with us and will just stay in bed. He always does this and I hate it.

He has been working very long hours and is tired, so maybe I'm being mean. He's actually very hard-working and active but is also pretty overweight and to be honest he just comes across as lazy in front of my parents.

AIBU to wish he'd help me present a united front a bit more? I just know he'll make his excuses as soon as they get through the door and it so sooo annoying, am I unreasonable to get cross?

OP posts:
JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 11/04/2010 12:13

Give me your phone number. I'll call you and you can say it was your parents and they're not coming. You can watch his miraculous recovery then when they walk through the door, his sudden relapse.

Or you can look him in the eye and tell him that he is talking total bollocks, you know he is talking total bollocks and he needs to shape up, accept that your parents are coming and be polite and involved and if he cannot do that a couple of times a year, then he is a crap excuse for a husband.

Unless of course, your parents hate him, undermine him, have digs at him, interfere... in which case YOU are being unreasonable for not telling them to piss off out of your life unless they respect your husband.

Original poster
JaneS · 11/04/2010 12:19

Thanks, TwoPence. Shit - phone ringing, parents on the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
JaneS · 11/04/2010 12:22

Oh, look at that. The phone rang, and DP - who was playing computer half an hour ago - is now so ill he's taken himself to bed.

OP posts:
ameliameerkat · 11/04/2010 12:25

Seriously?! Oh my god, I would be so mad if I was you at the moment! I would go with TwoPence's excellent advice. Tell him to stop behaving like a kid and start behaving like a man!

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 11/04/2010 12:26

Why does he not want to be with your parents? What is the reason.

Because there must be one.

ChippingIn · 11/04/2010 12:31

Do what JMTPW said and quick!!!

He doesn't have to like it, he just has to do it. End of.

...and what's all this business about 'being free until 4' I hope he's got a good reason to be 'busy' after that on a Sunday when your parents are visiting.

wukter · 11/04/2010 12:38

I don't know can you have it out with him now as there will only be an atmosphere when your parents arrive. But you definitely need to get to the bottom of this it's completely unfair and putting you in a difficult position.

DaftApeth · 11/04/2010 12:43

Well, he is obiously not well enough to go out at 4/3pm.

He should stay in bed and make sure he looks after himself.

After you come back from the pub with your parents, you can send them up to sit with him on the bed (one either side, him in middle) to spend some quality time with him.

That will make him feel a lot better, I'm sure

thesecondcoming · 11/04/2010 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overmydeadbody · 11/04/2010 12:59

Why does he find them such a strain? And if he's too ill to be civilised and polite when they come round he's too ill to go out at 3pm won't he?!

Coldhands · 11/04/2010 13:09

What a child he is. Tell him to stop being such a dickhead and be polite for a couple of hours, then they will be gone again. If he refuses, point out very loudly in the presence of your parents that you "don't possibly understand what is wrong with your DP as he was fine half an hour ago". Shame him in front of them.

gorionine · 11/04/2010 13:17

My BIL is like that, just does not know how to behave in society (by society I mean not just his wife and Dcs arround) . I feel for him at time though as family gathering seem really excruciating (sp?) for him.

I am not sure that shaming him in front of them will help.

redskyatnight · 11/04/2010 17:23

My DH doesn't like my parents either (they are probably even more of a strain than yours).

I accept that he has good reason for not liking them and we have agreed ground rules. We see my parents at Christmas, the DC's birthdays and at any "major" family event that occurs. He turns up, smiles politely, makes appropriate small talk and moans after they've gone.

Otherwise I go to my parents's house, they come here when he is at work or he is "allowed" to have some important thing/prior engagement/not be feeling too good that means he doesn't have to do more than say hello-goodbye.

On the basis that you know that DH doesn't want to be around your parents and he knows that you know would it not be much better to agree something similar? Hiding away when they come is no good for anyone.

mistressploppy · 11/04/2010 17:30

I think you might actually be married to my DH ....just so you know; you're not alone.

Bugs the living sh*t out of me too. The thing is, I think he actually convinces himself that he's poorly

Original poster
JaneS · 11/04/2010 18:40

Hi everyone, thanks for replies. Sorry to go silent - obviously, parents descended!

I actually feel quite guilty now - he did stay in bed, silent, while my parents arrived and while I put lunch on the table, but then during the afternoon I realized he was genuinely quite ill! Mind you, he is much better now they've gone, so I am still a little .

I must get to the bottom of why he acts like this - he always says he likes them fine, and it's not as if we see a lot of them - do all men just dislike being sociable with in-laws?

(Btw, Mistressploppy, I seriously hope not! )

OP posts:
RunawayWife · 11/04/2010 18:43

Make sure you do worse when his parents visit

thedollshouse · 11/04/2010 18:44

He sounds very rude and immature. Even if I was ill I wouldn't stay in bed if we had visitors.

Original poster
JaneS · 11/04/2010 19:00

Runaway Wife, I'm actually quite looking forward to meeting his parents! And to be fair, they have been lovely to me over the phone so I suspect they are less stress than mine.

dollshouse - no, neither would I stay in bed! I thought that was really rude but he claims he fell asleep and didn't hear us come in ... which may well be true.

I just feel cross because my mum kept saying they shouldn't have come because he was ill, and he didn't bother to correct her, he let me make his excuses for him.

I should admit I think the world of DP and this is an isolated issue, but it is damn annoying.

OP posts:
compo · 11/04/2010 19:01

I couldn't put up with that! I'd tell h&m to get his act together or clear off! Do you have kids together? He sounds really rude, your poor parents probably think he hates them

LadyintheRadiator · 11/04/2010 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunawayWife · 11/04/2010 19:06

He made all this fuss over a 3 hour visit I thought they were coming for at least a month!

chippy47 · 11/04/2010 19:11

There must be a reason he does not want to socialise with them. Maybe a good idea to find out what it is and put it right?
Nobody is ill for 3 hours -that is pathetic.

Original poster
JaneS · 11/04/2010 19:12

compo, we don't have kids but he has a lot of good things about him. And I do in general find my parents more annoying than he does.

LitR, he is still ill - he's just not asleep any more. He obviously has a rotten cold and I didn't realize that. I want to cut him some slack as he's been working 7-8/9 all week for the last few weeks and he is knackered.

I am just not sure if this is partly a cultural thing, since I know he doesn't think he's being rude.

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 11/04/2010 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JaneS · 11/04/2010 19:48

Oh dear, Lady, I feel a bit silly now. Er ... would you not think it's my job to look after my parents? Or is that a crappy excuse (it's my excuse for him, btw, not his own stated excuse).

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