about il's, please flame i need perspective.

[ditavionteased]

Il's live quite a long way away, 3.5hr drive, we don't see them very often, they were caring for elderly granparent and couldn't make it to see us, so we tried to go and see them as often as possible, not overly easy with 2 very car sick dc. managed about 5 or 6 times a year, they mamnaged to see us once, thing is fine, except they go to see SIL in Guernsey about every 2 months.
I klnow they can spend there time whereever they like. grampy dies labout 6 months ago, was in a home for 6 months prior to that, thay still haven't been to see us once.
dh took the dc down there last week for easter weekend, they all had a lovely timre and il's saying how they love spending time with dc etc.
Now they are moving, quite randomly and have decided on worcestershire, not for any real reason, so I called this morning and said that I had seen a couple of really lovely places near us, MIL tells me they would not look near us as they need to be near an airpoort (which we are) so they can get to visit SIL.
So AIBU to be a bit miffed (main;ly on behalf of dh) that they seem to have far more time and effort to spend on SIL than dh or their DGC, just for the record I love il's and SIL very much but just find this whole favbourites thing odd and a bit cruel.

I dont think you are bu. Parents should treat their children equally, even when said children are grown up. Perhaps they think you don't mind travelling to see them. Do they know your dc get car sick? Think I would be inclined to visit them when convenient and not put myself out so much to visit them. It should be a two way thing imo

they kn ow the dc are csar sick, they have to have phenergan before we go, so a day sedated at either end of the visit.

Oh for goodness sake, I get fed up with people whining about IL's not making an effort. Maybe they dont want to, maybe they are not that interested, maybe a trip to Guernsey is far more exciting. Why on earth should grandparents be made to feel guilty about where and with whom they spend their time. If you get on well with them and they are happy to see your children as and when then just accept that.

no i dont think YABU to be a bit miffed, but it is their choice where they choose to live.

I thnk often parents help their daughter out more than their son once children arrive
they probably assume your parents come round more often to you

ERM why did your husband and children spend the Easter week-end away at ILs without you?

YANBU but to be honest we have a similar set up, and I would tear off my right arm rather than have my in-laws closer. How is that for perspective

SIL doen't have any children. and SIL dotes on my dc. tbhI would just like to be able to see people more often. I have a very close family and dh's family were very close before we had dc.

I had to stay at home as I work on Saturdays, and we have cats and chooks to look after and my mum was away, she normally does all the animals so we can visit them.

Maybe your SIl enjoys their company, maybe she doesnt. Have you thought that she might resent the fact that they visit her so often and use her for cheap/free accommodation. Maybe your SIL is resentful of your dh in that he doesnt have to spend so much time with them. There are always other ways of looking at things.

How does your husband feel?

Saslou
I know parents should treat all children equally , but life sometimes isn't like that.
I have sometimes felt left out my mum and dad,when he was alive, as my older sister has always had (deservedly) a lot more of their time and attention.

But she as experienced a soap opera life ranging from being a victim of serious DV in her first marriage, through late MC at 20 weeks, repeated MCs chronic illness, and then 4 years ago the sudden death of BIL.She is also loosing her sight.

She needs to be treated differently from me and I accept that.
But we are all loved equally.

Assuming SIL has children then it would be much harder for them to go (with children) from Guernsey, so the grandparents go to them.

If no children, well maybe they think SIL is lonely down there with no family with her, or maybe they just want a cheap holiday. Or maybe they get on with SIL better, or like her house or her DH more than they like your house or you. Who knows? Either ay, it is their choice.

Your children have grandparents who they see regularly, they are good to them when they see them. If you don't think it's worth going up there then don't do it. They may or may not make more of an effort to come down to you. This part is your choice. (your = joint you and DH of course)

Maybe Guernsey is just a lovely place to visit, and they are being thoughtless to your DH. they are probably being selfish and would rather say they have to go and visit SIL rather than they'd love holiday by the sea.

iwastooearlytobeayummymum - when I said all children should be treated equally, I meant that they should be loved and valued equally. I get that a person with disability or experiencing a tough time in life may need more involvement from family but with regard to the op, the IL are choosing to spend more time with their daughter rather than their son. The daughter appears to have no special need for this so on the face of it the parents are not showing equal love and value to their 2 dc.

It is the right of the IL to do as they please but it is the right of the dil to feel hurt on behalf of her dh and dc if favouritism is being shown for no apparent reason.