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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it rude to leave a wedding before the evening do if you've been invited to the whole thing?

29 replies

iamwhatiamwhatiam · 10/04/2010 21:47

MOre of a wwyd really but just trying to gague how this would go down or if I should not even consider it.

Family member getting married in two months time when I will be 36 weeks pg.

Wedding is 3.5 hours away so will involve overnight stay. In laws are coming to look after DD for the day. My plan was to then drive back to put her to bed and they've offered to babysit for the evening.

It's just it will be a 30 min drive back, then willl put her to bed, then drive back, by which point it will be a full-on pissed up dancing type thing that I will probably be too knackered to enjoy anyway.

Am wondering if it would be rude to ask the bride if we can just come to the ceremony and dinner then leave before the dicso? I know they are having extra people for the eve so think it would be better to fess up to wanting to do this now so she can invite 2 more for the evening, rather than just skulk off.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 10/04/2010 21:49

i think it's fine if you say beforehand that you'll have to leave

but if it were me i think i'd let the in-laws get DD to bed and just stay for a little bit of the evening, before going

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/04/2010 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mamsnet · 10/04/2010 21:52

Fair play to you for going to a wedding 36 wks pg in the first place!

If she doesn't understand she will one day when she's 36 weeks pg herself!

Vallhala · 10/04/2010 21:52

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't. It's not as if you haven't a good excuse!

I hope that your plan is accepted with understanding and that you have a great day.

MrsCrafty · 10/04/2010 21:52

Absolutely not. Tell them as if your partner and yourself are not there, then if they were doing a buffet for the evening they have 2 less to think of.

I am utterly sure that I would not be pissed off if you told me this.

emsyj · 10/04/2010 21:52

In general I would say it is rude, yes, but if you have a young child and you need to go home to put her to bed then I think that is fine, just let them know so that they don't pay for buffet food for the evening for you if you're not going to be there.

emsyj · 10/04/2010 21:54

Oh good lordy, just seen you are 36 weeks pregnant too!!!! OF COURSE YANBU to go home early! I would think the bride will already be expecting you to dart off early, but would be courteous just to confirm.

Original poster

iamwhatiamwhatiam · 10/04/2010 21:54

Thanks all.

Thisisyesterday - did think we could do that but in-laws don't want to put DD to bed as they've never done it before (no one other than DH and I have) plus DD will be in a strange house so don't want to confuse her even more.

In laws don't live nearby so can't do trial run of them putting her to bed either (I think she'd be fine, personally, but they won't do anything that it outside of their comfort zone!)

OP posts:

omaoma · 10/04/2010 22:11

Goodness, I think an invitation is there to be accepted or refused isn't it? It's not rude at all to decline, if you decline graciously emsyj - there's a clear and good reason why they cannot accept the evening bit after all. I honestly wouldn't have even bothered explaining and would have assumed it's merely a polite nicety to add the evening do to your invite - does she seriously expect you to be boozing and dancing all night at 36 weeks!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 10/04/2010 22:14

I think if it was a sit down dinner you will be missing then yes YABU if it is just a piss up and a buffet then no.

omaoma · 10/04/2010 22:16

but even if it was a 24-course chinese banquet, it's not UNREASONABLE to let them know you aren't going to make it for god's sake! as long as you let them know

redskyatnight · 11/04/2010 08:31

I did the precise same thing when I was 40+2 pg with a 20 month old. I told the bride in advance and she was absolutely fine and understanding about it.

MrsVidic · 11/04/2010 08:35

YANBU- I did this last summer when preg with dd. My best friend's wedding and I told her I had to leave (as on the day I was throwing up all day etc). I appologised and she welled up saying I shouldn't be sorry as I have made such an effort to travel all the way for the wedding, done both hen parties (one of which in Tenerife) and she was just so happy I'd made it.

I'm sure they wouldn't mind- they'll just be happy you came

pigletmania · 11/04/2010 09:08

Its not rude at all! Just tell the bride/groom your situation and they should be understanding after all your 36 weeks pg. My friend had to do that at a wedding and the bride was fine.

chipmonkey · 11/04/2010 09:30

YANBU and I'm sure the bride will be fine with it! My cousin was pg at a family wedding and went off for a nap after the meal and no-one batted an eyelid.
I have to say, I do think your ILs seem a bit odd for not wanting to put dd to bed! Dh's 17 year old niece regularly puts ds4 to bed when she babysits; it's not that difficult, surely?

ImSoNotTelling · 11/04/2010 09:41

Don't worry about it, it's not rude at all and will be fine. you will be there for teh most important part of teh day to see them get married and at that stage of pregnancy anytihng else is a bonus!

We did it with one of DH friends and they were very pleased that we came at all and stayed as long as we did (left about a hour after the meal), also had a 4week old for a family wedding and they were absolutely fine with us not staying for teh whole evening.

People are normally understanding about this stuff

omaoma · 11/04/2010 09:47

frankly if they're not understanding, they are lost in pre-wedding psychosis and you shouldn't take it personally.

Ellokitty · 11/04/2010 12:05

I think it is rude if you get up and walk out of a wedding after the formal meal.

But... If you contact the bride before, explain the situation - I would say that is perfectly acceptable. Given your young child, and your pregnant status, I would say that this is fine (So long as she knows in advance, and you don't just walk out)

mampam · 11/04/2010 12:15

OP, I am in a similar situation to you. I am 33 weeks pregnant and in 2 weeks we're going to a wedding. Although it's only an hour away I'm planning to just see how I feel on the day. I'm suffering with SPD and walk with crutches so find it very hard to get comfortable and if I'm not comfy my pelvis quickly gets very painful.

I'm sure the bride and groom won't mind if I don't make it through the whole day and evening too.

YANBU you have to look after yourself when PG and do what's best for you.

TrillianAstra · 11/04/2010 12:40

Totally understandable.

But is there any way that you could let grandparents have some practice at getting DD to bed? You might be grateful of it when you have another.

Coldhands · 11/04/2010 13:15

I have no idea why anyone thinks this would be rude. Of course it isn't!

You have a good reason, pregnant, and you have a DD that her GPs don't want to settle, thats fine.

You don't have to make yourself do anything for anyone else. Explain beforehand that you will leave before the evening.

Original poster

iamwhatiamwhatiam · 11/04/2010 14:25

Trillian, no chance of them practising no, unfortunately. They don't live nearby and when they do visit it's normally not overnight so genuinely don't think they can have a practice first.

Thanks all - I'm going to talk to the bride - she may well be grateful for being able to invite another 2 for the evening.

OP posts:

ElleBing · 11/04/2010 15:02

You should tell the bride that you cannot attend the evening reception.

Then she can use the extra space to invite someone fun.

ElleBing · 11/04/2010 15:03

Oops pressed send before I finished my post.

After "invite someone fun" I was writing "that's what my friend told me when I told her I couldn't stay to the evening reception when I was 32 weeks pregnant."

Cheeky mare.

Original poster

iamwhatiamwhatiam · 11/04/2010 15:05

Thanks for that EB.

Now get back to your flaming thread while it's still warm

OP posts:

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