To be grateful but just not materialistic

[strawberrykate]

My DH loves technology etc and often has a want list, be it a car, phone, pc etc. If we have the money for something I'm happy for him to have whatever his heart desires. I'm crap though at choosing things with him or giving opinions as I never seem to want things. I'll get something out of need or to replace something broken but otherwise I just don't spend. My phone is about 6 yrs old, my wardrobe simple etc.

My DH likes to express love though by getting me things, which I see his logic as they make him happy he presumes it has the same effect on me. I think it's lovely-but I know I just don't get enthused enough on receipt ( I do try). Today he bought me an expensive present (Ipod touch) lovely idea and wonderful thought. I'll try to use it and not against it BUT I'd prefer he just bought things for him that are expensive as better use of money as makes him happy and I'm just not too fussed about owning stuff. If I do have a want it's small, and I'll say if I do need something big and am not worried to buy for myself (we share all money and he tries to make me treat myself more so no worry about taking from joint account if wanted to).

Would I be really ungrateful to say something along the lins of thank you for always offering/ buying for me but can you stop/ reduce it to very small things? Do you think this would be taken the wrong way or make him feel pressured to not buy for himself? I don't bregrudge him treating himself, but to be honest I'd rather money spent on me went in savings or on something someone else really wanted. Seems wasteful. Would I be really ungrateful to say this? I know he goes without what he wants to give me, which though lovely is unnecessary. I think he feels the need to balance out a bit what he spends on him my spending a similar share on me, as I don't despite encouragement want to spend. I think it's how I grew up. We both came from villages (me Russia, him Ukraine) and were poor. It had different affects on us though. I got used to going without, whereas he plays catch up trying to get everything he went without. For me we have more than we ever dreamed of having tuned up in the UK with nothing and I'm already a bit overwhelmed by what we've gained over the last 10 years. I still feel the urge to save, save, save and get everything as cheap as possible just in case.

P.S. I know this isn't one of lifes big worries and I'm lucky-but I'm just having difficulty judging the right response.

`ok didn't see you were overdrawn. Hm.

Maybe you need to look at his emotional need to buy you expensive gifts?

Point taken madameD! I guess it's all about compromise.

I'm with you - I don't like expensive gifts. I think you should have an honest conversation with your dh and explain nicely. You can buy him something you know he wants to make the point that you're not saying he shouldn't have these things, but explain that you just don't like them yourself.

If there is something else he can do to show his appreciation, let him know too.

Yeah compromise.

Get bought nice things

WORRY that its been bought

OH DEAR GOD

WOT A FARKING DISASTER

get a grip ffs

Strawberrykate, I don't particularly go for 'stuff' either, so I understand where you are coming from. As a compromise, could you persuade him to take you on a trip somewhere where you wouldn't usually go, such as a day at the races or an evening out somewhere?

This would be in place of a physical present in fancy wrapping paper!

Strawberrykate, just have an honest conversation with your husband and explain that you feel uncomfortable having things bought for you that you consider unnecessary. Tell him you love him to buy you gifts, but it's the thought that counts and not the money spent on it so it needn't be expensive for it to mean something.

Reallyffs, you are behaving like a jealous child.

Jealous child? Why

For saying to op 'get over it?' and her precious gift?

I live in the real world. If op all has to worry about i will take the piss

Reallyffs, just look at your posts. The rantings of a jealous (and frankly immature) person.
The OP is living in the 'real world' too. She's perfectly entitled to ask opinions on something that's bothering her.

can we swap dh's your the kind of wife he likes

ReallyFFS- BACK OFF! You are sounding bitter and spiteful- if you don't like the thread leave it!

strawberrykate- Why don't you ask him to set you up a savings account instead- however- it is nice to be bought things I understand if you don't feel like you need the excess.

I think a big thing is that he wants to treat you and show you that you do deserve these nice things. MAybe he gets the enjoyment out of treating his woman? If he enjoys it I would let him buy things for you occasionally.

Cat/Mrs Vidic-I spelt on it and thought about the why, I think it's a combination of being nice and feeling embarrassment at how we lived when we first arrived and there were no extras, or hardly basics... I think as a traditional male he felt he didn't provide? Lots of reasons. I'll talk to him about savings, I'll have to check all our accounts. He may already! Thanks for the comments, they've helped me thin about the other side more.

chilblains-I'm quite attached too him :-)

too/ to... just to add to the typos

strawberry
you might also want to think about whether you are hanging on to the fear of having nothing again.
When you have grown up in poverty it is hard to truly recognise that your life is different and that you don't need to feel scared anymore.
I used to keep opening accounts and squirelling bits of money away -just in case. I also had a real problem throwingthings out. I would hold on to my DCs clothes because it seemed awful to throw away stuff that had cost lots of money even if it was to the charity shop. It felt like bad karma.

He may be over indulging you because he wants you to relax more - you could be kind of provoking each other because you are so far apart.
My DH will sudden;y buy me stuff because he wants me to feel like it is ok - I am 'allowed' this stuff.
Does that make sense?

I agree with pag.

There is also a bit of subconscious Russian - man needs to be spoilt by wife thing going on too sk.
Realityffs - your posts are totally disproportionate and rude beyond belief . What an unpleasant person you seem.

Maybe you could look out for times when he does nice things for you that you do like - makes you a meal, arranges a night out or whatever - and lavish him with praise, and then you have something to refer to in the future - 'i loved it so much when you did X, that really made my day, it would be great to do it again' etc.

I do know what you mean - although I sure like presents, I don't much like them out of an overdraft. dh is making me a curry tonight and that is a fab birthday present.

Hey strawberrykate.

I completely see where you are coming from and don't think you are being ungrateful. I also don't like to have gifts bought for me that I don't really want - it's a waste of money and I hate waste.

I think the way to approach it is to think of something you would like him to give you instead of the gadgets. That way he still gets to "spoil" you but without the money waste. For example, he could buy you Premium Bonds (or some other kind of savings). Or he could write you vouchers for things that are free but require effort from him eg "I owe you one night babysitting" or "I owe you one back massage". Or maybe he could buy you theatre/cinema tickets or pampering treats (if you like those)?

I wouldn't raise this with him just after he bought you the Ipod, leave it a little while. But then you could say "You know, if you ever were looking to get me a gift, what I'd really like is XXX".

(Of course the first question really has to be whether you can, as a couple, afford these gifts anyway... but if you are confident you can, then I suggest changing what the gifts are).

What pag said.

And drop hints about flowers/chocs/cd's etc - as at least they're cheaper and it might make you feel a bit better about receiving gifts but not worry too much that he's overspending.