to expect my PIL not to undermine me when we visit? Long rant...sorry!

[Delta4]

I'm probably being a bit hormonal as I am 28 weeks pregnant and finding it hard work this time around, DS1 is nearly 3....but.....

We spent the weekend at my PIL, and they don't live far away so we see them every 2-3 weeks. (if we don't, my DS1 being their first grandchild, we get the...oh she'll have forgotten what we look like, or well, isn't she different from the last time we saw her...drives me mad!)

Anyway, DS1 is going through a 'pushing the boundaries' phase. She is generally good at eating, but sometimes keeps chewed food in her mouth without swallowing, wants dessert when she's barely touched dinner, etc...fairly normal I guess for a 3 year old, but I am quite strict about this, if she has said she is full after a tiny bit of food, then asks for dessert, I don't give it. She does have treats, but I try not to make it an every day occurrence so she has a healthy diet, with a good balance of treats.

So, I give DS1, after a busy Easter day with too much chocolate, cake etc (in my opinion), her cheese sandwich which she asked for, for her tea. She picks at it for a bit, then says she wants pudding. I refuse, she cries, MIL says, oh, let her have it...it breaks my heart to see her crying. DH tackles her saying that we are trying to teach good eating habits. Then DS decides she will eat sandwich as she is hungry. (arrgghhhh!).
I say to DS then, for pudding you can have yogurt, fruit or rice pudding (all of which she is happy with). I had already said to MIL in kitchen that this was the plan as she had had enough cake etc all day. MIL says...or would you like jelly? (knowing that this was not on the list of things I wanted). I said not jelly, then of course the 'I want jelly'....chant starts...we have the beginnings of a tantrum etc etc

This is happening alot more now (not just treats, but too quick to put on TV for her etc) and MIL has the cheek to chunter, under her breath, out of my hearing, that she would do this differently, and how she would give in, how glad she will be when the next baby comes along so they can have DS1 all to themselves at their house etc etc.

I am quite fed up of it... and I am feeling that she rides roughshod over what I want for my daughter and completely ignores my requests. If it happens again and she says anything to me I'll probably say something to her about it.....or should I just keep the peace? If we saw them irregularly, I'd probably do that...but I wonder if as we see them so often, I should make a point?

Sorry, when you say your DS do you mean your DD?

Well - I'd sort of just accept that grandparents want to spoil their grandchildren and if its not every day - then I personally wouldn't have a problem with it.

And is it a girl or boy - DS1 normally refers to darling son but you mention a daughter . . .

Sorry, half asleep...must go to bed! I meant DD1 all along....idiot!

Things like offering pudding, being quick to put the TV on are things I would just let slide. It is especially easy if you are visiting them, as your DD will understand some things only happen at nan an grandad's house.

I'd be more annoyed about the things she is saying. How do you know, out of interest, if she is saying it out of your hearing? Does your DH hear, and if so, does he say anything?

Gosh it sounds hard.

I would just be inclined to stick to my guns and firmly but nicely tell the PIL that they need to follow your rules for your DD (DS is DarlingSon btw, what you meant was DD!)

Personally, I don;t withhold pudding if DS doesn't eat his main, as I don't want DS having the attitude that pussing is some sort of nicer treat than the main food, and sometimes when other people tell DS he can't have pudding unless he eats more main I just undermine them there and then and say "actually DS doesn't have to eat anything he doesn't want to eat, as long as he tries it".

Stand firm.

You'll probably have to accept that when you are not there your MIL will apply her own rules to what she does with your DD/

when it comes to food then if your there you are in charge and she shouldn't dare question your word or try and make your parenting harder.

However although i am quite like you in this regard, i don't lay down rules when GPs/ILs have grandchildren by themselves and we parents are not there, unless its a safety reason etc.

so tell your ILs that what you say goes when you are around and you do not appreciate them them undemining you infront of your DC, But that they are more than welcome to feed her chocolate cake and coke when shes there alone.

My parents are like this - far too easy on my kids although they don't undermine me like your lot do, they want the kids to have everything they want and me to not discipline them in any way during their visit And when I think of how they used to yell at me as a kid! Something happens to people when they become grandparents I think.

tbh, overindulging in crap during visits wouldn't bother me - unless it was every day! But it really doesn't matter that it doesn't bother me when my parents give my kids lots of junk . It bothers you (and presumably your husband) and this is your child you're on about. You should tell them to not undermine you and say that if they can't respect your parenting, then you will have to stop going over.

Don't be afraid to stand up to them!

Talk to your husband and make sure that the two of you are in agreement about this, and that he is going to stand with you on this, when it comes to it.

Oh ok, the treats in and of themselves wouldn't bother me. BUt I understand why her undermining you does. Get DH to speak to her?

If it's only once every 2-3 weeks let mil be a grandma. Your DD will have to learn that different things are allowed in different situations and 3yo is a good age to learn that. It also means that you don't stress yourself out too much and you mil gets to be the lovely grandma she want to be. I really don't think you need to fight this one.

YANBU to expect it, it is unreasonable to think it will happen.
I don't tend to let comments about my parenting slide, but we do have a philosophy of being flexible around grandparents because DS seems to accept those rules don't come home with us.

Hi. You are not being unreasonable at all! I can't believe your mil would be so disrespectful to deliberately go against what you say in the circumstances you describe. Also to say that they can't wait to have your daughter to themselves so they can, basically overindulge her, is seriously out of order- very rude and, in the same, situation I would be looking at all possible alternatives to that happening!

You mention your dh sticking up for you at one point. I would be asking him to have strong words with his mother to tell her to back off! (In the nicest possible way of course at first! I know first hand how sensitive mils can be!) But you are certainly within your rights to tell her how you feel one way or another.

Sounds like you are doing a great parenting job and if your pils have been good parents to your dh they should understand and respect your wishes. In the long run your daughter won't love them any more if that's what they think she'll just run rings round them and be a better behaved child for you so eventually they'll see they've not done her or themselves any favours.

So stick to your guns, get hubbie on board and good luck! Let me know how you get on.

Thanks everyone, I am quite ok not knowing/controlling what they give her when we are not there...as you all say, let them be grandparents and spoil them....

It's the fact that she blatantly ignores what I have said and offers things to DD that I have just asked her not to, it is difficult to know what to say to DD when I have just said the opposite.

DH did hear her, and challenge her the first time, but let it slide the second time as he felt he wanted to avoid a confrontation. Infact, she never did give in to him and his sister...and this is what makes it more annoying.

Overmydeadbody...re pudding, I know exactly what you mean about not making pudding seem like something better than food....I did exactly the same as you until more recently when DD started saying she was full, then asking for pudding and crying about it. I guess I have got a bit stuck as to the best way of dealing with this myself, never mind when MIL gets involved!

I think I'll let it slide for now, but if it happens again, and I hear what she says/she says it directly to me, I'll be polite but firm about it...out of DD's hearing, obviously as DD has already worked out how to go to grandparents to get what she wants, especially if she knows I've said no!!

Is it the treats you object to? I don't think jelly does much harm as a once off, or that getting a bit spoiled by the gps causes a dc any harm, and it obviously brings them happiness. What would bother me would be the undermining element of it. Could you get dh to speak to them about this? Say that she needs clear boundries and it is confusing to have one person ok one thing and another say something else.

Delta I had the same thing with DS, then I realised he was just looking forward to pudding more, so I let him eat if first, or eat it in the middle of his dinner, then he would go back and eat some more of what the main meal was.

He also knows that if he doesn't eat what he is given there is nothing else, so if he doesn't eat much because he doesn't like it then that is his choice and he might be hingry later. He is now 7 and will generally eat some of the meal if he doesn't actually like the food much, sometimes think he's full and have pudding only to go back to his main meal afterwads, and sometimes eat two helpings of main and then pass on pudding (it's only ever yoghurt or fruit anyway usually).

If your MIL undermines you in front of DD just challenege her in front of your DD, it's good for her to see that you are the boss and your decision is final.

i think if you see them every 2- 3 weeks, it's perhaps a little too often for them just to cram food in which isn't healthy - i think you need to have a discussion with them about what is acceptable. ask them what they gave to their kids at that age.

i'm more bothered abut the comments of having dd to herself once the second is born - is it something that you expect to happen? i have always been happy with dd staying with people, even if they will spoil her for a day/night, but the 'off-stage' chuntering is v undermining, and, of course, it means you can't challenge her, but she's making sure you hear it. i get that as a g.parent she'd love some one-on-one time, but surely, she needs to build up trust to do that?

The pudding stuff is not much of an issue but her words are very very undermining - did she really say they can't wait for new baby so they can have dd1 to themeslves?

Creepy.

I'd relax with what they give her when she's there but really stamp on this verbal undermining stuff.

I would say something she is undermining you in front of your DD, she'll only get worse and your DD will grow up to dismiss your rules in preference for granny who spoils her.