In Laws

[ahwe11]

About 4 years ago I got totally disheartened with In Laws lack of interest in our children now aged 5 & 7 (the first and apparently desperately wanted granchildren for MIL & FIL).

Once my brother-in-laws later went on to have families of their own, the already rare contact with our children (maybe 2 or 3 times a year) absolutely dried up. FIL has seen our children once in nearly 3 years - MIL doing much better - she's seen them twice in the same period

Other grandchildren get seen pretty well everyday (yes there is a geographic issue - we are 1.5 hours drive away not 5 mins) - In Laws have totally immersed themselves in the other grandkids - providing daily childcare - including at weekends.

Now before anyone says "its not a competition" (I'm not that shallow!)... has anyone gone through something similar and have any advice.

Up until about 3 to 4 years ago I used to e-mail In Laws regularly as to what our kids were up to... friends said this probably meant In Laws felt like they had regular contact - which was far from reality. They suggested I reduce contact - which I thought would be make or break... It was break... even the twice yearly meet-ups have now disappeared.

At least I'm no longer getting disheartened - rather now resigned to things never changing (unless someone has some pearls of wisdom for me!)

Cheers

Ahwe11

my inlaws blatently favour the youngest sons children and always have done. for many years this totally baffled me, upset me, astounded me. eventually i came to the conclusion that this is how it was going to be and i lived with it.

we moved away - and it was no great shakes, the youngest kids were about 7 at that time and already knew that their nan and grandad liked the other Gks better.

they are now nearly all grown up and due to circumstances beyond anyones control - youngest bro now moved to live mear us - over 300 miles from ILs.

which means we get more frequent visits and my children still do not make time for their GPs, becuase you only get out what you put in - they will say hello and then go out

moral of the story is - don't get pset about it - it;s their loss and your kids will soon get the drift of whats going on.

it took me a long long time to figure out that grandparents don't necessarily love their grandchildren - and as parents we expect that they do

bollocks to em

Have you ever phoned them and asked if it would be alright if you drove up to visit them?

If you have, what was their reaction?

This is just fishing at the moment trying to make some sense of why they are like this.

Is it always up to them to come to you or do you offer to go to them?

Can't think of any pearls of wisdom. You sound genuinely puzzled as to why in-laws are like this.

Are you bringing your kids to see your inlaws or expecting them to come to you? If you want your children to spend more time with their grandparents maybe you need to be more proactive in arranging visits. Maybe your inlaws think you're not interested in seeing them.

It sounds like you are jealous of the fact that they spend time with other grandkids, as you say geography does come into it so unless you want to move 5 minutes away you'll have to accept this or do something about it.

Yes, of course it is nice for children to have their grandparents in their lives but it's not essential you know. My three have had very little access to grandparents due to geography, and now we are in Australia and down to one grandparent on either side it is quite likely that they will never see either of them again. I'm the one who finds it nearly unbearable to see the many extended families around and kids surrounded by adoring grandparents - I had to leave the park on mothers day as I was practically in tears - the kids are fine because they don't know anything else!

About 4 years ago (when neither of ours were at school) I suggested meeting up on many occasions over a 6 month period midway distance-wise for all of us. Each time it got met with the "yes we must sort something out - I'll get back to you". Obviously they didn't, so I eventually started suggesting driving up to them - again the kind of "we must look into dates" was as far as their interest went. After that I stopped asking - it definitely got to the stage I felt like there was no point as I knew the answer before I'd even asked!!! (Might have been due to fact the first of the new grandchildren had been recently been born - and several visits to them meant they were too tired to visit us. Thats a genuine observation not a bitchy comment - hence the suggestion to meet midway!)

As for phone calls - between our houses there were 5 phone calls last year (hate to sound like I'm keeping a record - but its so rare they aren't easy to forget)... once for each of ours to call to say thank you for b/day pressies, once each to call and say happy birthday to MIL & FIL, and once to say Merry Christmas. They didn't call here once!

My parents say you can't change people - and although it took a long time - I now know they are right. Still looking for someone to suggest a miracle I could perform to change the situation though!

Don't listen to sunnydelight.

You obviously have tried everything to maintain contact and it's pretty obvious that they aren't that fussed.

Next thing this thread will turn into another MIL rant.

Not a lot of people these days even get their DC to phone and thank people for presents.

Do they realise that you feel this way. Maybe phone and make a definite date.

Say, Hi! We would like you to come to dinner on such and such a day (state the date and time).

If they still procrastanate, then you know they really couldn't be bothered.

Either just leave it at that or ask nicely if they have a problem with you.

OP i have 2 DS's. DS1 is 11 I split with his father when DS1 was 22m old. He saw his grandmother on his fathers side for about 8 months after we split every weekend. Then ex stopped seeing DS1 and his mother had no contact. When DS1 was 5 he phoned her and said to her "I would like to see you" her reply is still with him..."it has been too long"

DS2 is 2 and never seen his paternal grandmother.

neither of the boys lack in grandparents as they have my mum who dotes on them...don#t let it get you down. Remember it is the GP loss not the childrens!!

Proscrstinate Before the spelling police get me.

Cheers coralanne! Remind me never to bother posting on your threads.

It is sad but I am not sure there is anything you can do.

Ours were the first GC for MIL. When DC1 was about a year old, DH and I had to go and literally beg her to come and spend time with DC1. We live five minutes away. She grudgingly came a few times. When DC2 arrived, she visited us in hospital, complained that my baby was too big for the gift she had bought( given that DC1 was a biggie as well I still don't know why she thought I would have a prem weight baby for no 2!), visited a few times at home and then it fizzled out. If we asked to visit her, she was always too busy or just on her way out or too ill ( she is a bit of a hypochondriac). When DHs brothers' children were born, she couldn't keep away. They live much further away than we do. She would take time off work to look after them, babysat for them at least twice a week and still has one of the youngest for a whole day every week. She now wonders why our two, who are both now adults, don't see her from one year's end to the next. TBH, apart from a duty call to thank her when she gives them a birthday/Christmas card or a gift, they really have nothing to do with her. DH and I suggest that they should have more contact with her as she is now getting on, but their response is that they would rather spend their time with my mum who has always been part of their lives and who has always made an effort to see them and to include them in everything she does. My mum, at over 70 years old, regularly gets on a train to go and visit DC1 at university for the day, a journey that takes two and a half hours each way. My MIL on the other hand, won't even make a five minute drive to pop in on us! And before anybody asks, yes, we have invited her and continue to do so, to come to us for tea, a meal, at Christmas etc. She always refuses and in all the years I have known DH, (over 35 now), she has never once invited us there!
So, as somebody else said further up, you reap what you sow, and it is sad, but ultimately, it is your MIL who is making that choice, but I bet, like mine, she doesn't realise the potential consequences. It is sad.

OP, I am in a very similar situation with fil at present.

No advice for you as I am likely to throw the mother of all strops if it continues. Saying that though, I don't want dd in the company of someone who obviously has no time for her.

Fuck em.

ahwell and co - have you ever asked them straight out why they don't like seeing you and your family? Even phrasing it as 'have we done something wrong - it hurts that we try so hard but we get kicked back at every opportunity...'

I think most people are reasonable - if a gp lives 5 mins from one set of grandkids then they are likely to see them more than those that live an hour or two (or continent or two!!) away. but if they don't bother to ever make the effort to meet up - either half way or at either house, or bother with phone calls then it does hurt.

If things have got to the point of so little contact anyway, then doesn't sound like you have got a lot to lose.

Alternatively, could you ask (or get your dh to ask) the SIL/BIL what they think is going on?

someone remind me of this thread next time i start one ranting about my mum or mil.

if they dont bother with you, dont bother with them. leave them to stew....

you sound like you're doing all the running with them sitting back and not giving a fig.

it doesn't sound like they have a close connection with dc so just leave it.

eventually they will try and make an effort, if they actually want to.

twice in a few years seems utterly unreasonable since they only live 1.5 hours away! that actually makes me feel a bit sick, i could understand if they were very elderly or unwell but it sounds like they really amke an effort with other gc.

does your dh have anything to say about all of this? you've gone beyond your duty as mum and dil, trying to keep them updated etc. sit back and dont fret m'dear

my parents have just gone to look after my brothers child. he has a cold and they don't want to send him to nursey. because i'm a stay at home mum they aften didn't see the need that i might need a break. my ds2 has a heart problem and we've had a couple of visits to have his pacemaker changed, fixed reviewed etc. at his last operation in the uk it felt like it was a burden for my parents and mil to look after ds1 while we took ds2 to nearest heart hospital 3 hours away. we have since moved to oz and haven't missed grandparent help. i had a que of people to look after ds1 while ds2 was having more heart operations. it worked so much better. it just peeves me sometimes that my parents are now looking after there other grandchild who has a cold! sorry drip over but wanted to let you know you're not alone!

Definitely not alone.

My parents are dead and the pil have spectacularly failed to step up to the plate. I honestly don't think they'd recognise the dcs in a line-up. Just not interested. Dh has even lost his temper with them a few times but it's just fruitless. It's a real shame but you can't make people be interested in your dcs.

I so sympathise with Sunnydelight; I have had a lump in my throat when seeing other children with their extended families and my children have no-one.

Thanks for the responses... Although many of us go through a similar thing - in a way its comforting to know we're no alone.

Interesting comment from MintHumBug - I do feel my BIL has added to the situation - he knows this is something important to us (we discussed it at length a few years back - and he said it was so obvious his children were favoured it made him feel very awkward). However since that conversation he has started to monopolise his parents time for his children so much - sometimes 7 days a week - there never could be time for our children. Relationship between DH & BIL have now become near non-existent - not aggressively - but I think the lack of equality between PIL has influenced them growing apart & not keeping in touch anymore.

Worth mentioning that it is the younger brother who has favoured GC - he was also the favoured child. Other members of the in-law's family have always said BIL has always felt in DH's shadow... maybe this is one way he can get "the upper hand" so to speak and feel more superior in his parent's eyes?

DH - who never caused concern for his parents (middle of 3 who's just kept his head down & gets on with it - he's a gem) seems to just get looked over. Older BIL lives even further away for PIL than we do - PIL are happy to go & visit his GC though!

Ho hum!

I can't be bothered (and nither can DH) with my inlaws since we spent 8 hours in their company last July and they sadi hello to DC's and that was it, had no interest in them at all. They send cards and presents but never phone up to see how they are.

Similar story here - MIL not with us anymore, FIL has new lady friend and spends 6 months of the year 'out of the country' - currently on way back from NZ and Aus (we think as never given any details of trip!). Always says how he will sort things out and see kids more frequently when back - my DS is 3 and he has seen is granddad no more than 5 times - one of those being his christening!

I also think just sod em as it is his loss!

I'm so pleased that I'm not the only one in this situation. I can't give any advise only say that I recognise the situation you are in.

My MIL has never shown any interest in my DC. I did put it down to her not really liking babies/children and working full time, my DH even blamed her partner for the lack of contact.

My MIL turned into the perfect grandparent once SIL had her first. She even gave up her job so she could spend more time with DN! She has seen my DC three time in a year - one a chance meeting in a garden centre. Meanwhile she has seen DN countless times. My DH says she has always favoured SIL over him, so this is just an extension of that.

I don't resent her seeing her other GC, I just wish she'd put herself out a bit for mine.

As others have said, it is the GP loss, but it is still hurtful situation.

Georaphy is surely what's to blame? That and you reducing the email contact?
Maybe they feel like you are not making an effort either?

Sunnydelight apologize sincerely, I did sound a bit abrupt.

But it's too simple to put this down to jealousy. The OP sounds pretty genuine,not the kind of DIL who loves to hate MIL.

My MIL has always been like this.

Didn't come to our wedding because she couldn't find a nice enough dress to wear.

She can just remember my DD and DS's name.

Wouldn't have a clue what DGC are named.

But I have never felt bitter or upset because I understand that that is just the kind of person she is.

She has two daughters whose families she is totally imersed in.

My two don't even know their cousins on the DF's side of the family.

my PIL were like this for years (3 phone calls in one year, all from us to them. they moved house without telling us), then changed suddenly, and we get the teary eyed, we don't see you, we miss you. Which, is true, cos we now live in the US, but they refuse to visit us.

the reason for the change? dh's Sdad became more ill, and MIL realised that she was facing a very lonely widowhood. i feel sorry for her, but she practically ignored dh most his life, dd for 4 years, and now she wants to be best friends.

it can be easier if you're less involved, although the reasons for it are painful.

No worries coralanne

My Inlaws favour my BIL's son. He is their shining beloved star.

We fell out about it several times cos' We couldn't understand why they dismissed our darling first born. We had a family meeting to discuss it. No conclusion really except we'd just muddle through and they'd not tell us what wonderful gifts ( bought on a weekly basis) they'd bought my nephew and what theme park they'd spent the weekend at.

They said they have to compensate cos' his family life isn't as happy as our kids.

It used to really hurt me.

So now I roll my eyes alot and remember it's their loss. I don't invite them here now except for occasions. They can come if they want but I don't beg now. I cope better but still wish it was different.