To think I can't afford to support my mum

[Grannybashing]

This thread has been prompted by the £1300 a month thread, and a request for more money.

My mum is retired and lives quite close to us. She has a full pension which I think is around £500 a month, some DLA of around £100 a month, a pension from my dad of £500 a month. So her income without us is around £1100 a month.

She owns her own small house. She collects the two DD's from school twice a week and feeds them and keeps them until we get home. This takes her around six hours a week. For this we pay her £225 per month. If she does any extra babysitting, we give her £25 a session. The DDs are old enough to occupy themselves and usually help their granny by walking the dog, cooking tea etc.

We gave her £1,000 at Christmas because she was complaining that she was finding it hard to make ends meet. In February DD1 asked me to give Granny some more money because she was in debt. So I duly coughed up another £500.

DD1 has come back to me and explained that Granny is in real financial trouble and the bank won't allow her to withdraw any more money. I've been round and found out that this is true and forked out another £500 just to unfreeze her account.

AIBU to be angry on three counts? Firstly, Granny shouldn't involve the DDs in her financial woes.

Secondly, I can't bloody afford to keep subsidising her. The money was enough for a holiday which we can't now go on, obviously.

Thirdly, my mum just spends loads of money on complete rubbish, so although I shouldn't be annoyed (the money was freely given and she is therefore entitled to flush it down the loo if she wants) I am irrationally irritated when I see her spending £50 a week on fags, and £££ setting up a craft room that she never ever uses.

I just have to stop giving her money, don't I?

yes you do. YOu could offer to go for some debt counselling with her to get it all sorted out but she needs to start living within her means.

Are her means enough though? Am I being mean in thinking she should be able to live within the income she has?

Does she have a spending habit? I helped an older relative to go bankrupt a couple of years back because she had built up huge debts on store cards, catalogues and bingo. We didn't realise until she got ill. Maybe it's time for you to sit down for a 1-1 chat with her.

What are her rent/council tax/utility bills etc it's all relative - it sounds enough if her outgoings are low.

Yep, you have to stop and YANBU.

My mum has way less than that. She too owns her own house and runs a car.

I don't subsidise her, but I do pick up her travel costs when she comes to stay (we are abroad) and send her books off Amazon if there is a new hardback out that she likes. We bought her a laptop one Christmas so we could keep in contact on email. I buy her things that she would like but perhaps can't afford (an good handbag for her birthday etc).

I have asked, when all the gas prices rose, if she could cope financially, and she just snorted at me and asked me how old she was, and that she's ask if she needed to...but knowing Ma, that'll be when hell freezes over!

£1100pm with no housing costs is a pretty decent income. She should be able to manage.

Next time she asks you are going to have to be firm an say "no". Your family can't go on holiday but she is still spending £50pw on fags. She is taking the piss out of you and she knows it.

I would say her means are more than enough. My mum probably gets just over half of that but wouldn't dream of asking any of us for hand outs. I found out recently that she had been going to bed early to save on heating bills and keeping the heating off because she was so worried about getting a big bill. I don't live close to her so was unaware that she was doing this.

I asked her to put the heating back on and we would pay the bills - she's far too proud to accept which is upsetting because she genuinely does need the help.

If she is on a low income she would be eligible for housing & CT benefit, she should be getting the winter fuel allowance too..................

Thank you all. Fluffy has hit the nail on the head - she does have a spending habit. She watches shopping channels and has boxes and boxes of useless stuff that she buys.

Her council tax is £800 a year and utilities are not too expensive - the house is double-glazed and well-insulated.

She runs a car.

DH and I have around £1600 a month income between us, out of which we pay: gas, electric, mortgage, council tax, run a small car, food, clothing and other expenses for the two of us, plus our 16 year old and help out with costs of DC1 at university. The only 'help' we get, other than one lot of child benefit and child tax credit, is that DC1 gets a small grant towards university which enables him to meet his accommodation costs, but we have to stump up for everything else. So, do I think your mum is taking the p*$$? You bet I do!

It does depend where she lives, but that's plenty to live on when there's no rent/mortgage - I've just checked our expenditure (just me and a boyfriend until the bump pops) and we spend just about 1000GBP a month excluding mortgage (sometimes a bit over - eg Christmas, sometimes a bit under).

We don't smoke, but we don't suffer at all either - if we want something we don't have to think too hard about getting it.

So I need to broach the subject of managing money with my own mother. I wonder just how bad the credit card debts are . Can I suggest not having a credit card?

You need to bring it up with her about making DD her messenger first. That's not on.

All the crap from QVC, still in boxes, could be ebayed. Perhaps one of your DCs could help her with this?

YY not on

She probably did that because she was reluctant to ask. I hope anyway.

The trouble is that the requests for money have just started and suddenly escalated. I think she's probably spent all her savings and has been living beyond her means for years. It's going to be hard to get her to be a bit more disciplined.

Well clearly she does have enough to live within her means, but chooses not to - she's spending £200 per month on fags FFS!!!

I think the problem here is that you feel it is for some reason your responsibility to 'get her disciplined' and sort out her problems. It isn't.

If it were me, I would actually withdraw from the situation, and even make other arrangements for my childcare, because although that would mean she has even less money to spend, it may shock her more quickly into sorting herself out.You don't deserve to have to worry about your mother and her financial mess.

Thanks.

Yes I do feel a sense of responsibility and I'm not sure why. She's a bit helpless, I think. Also I am an only child and she is widowed.

Oh OK,

I used to support my mum for a period of time before she retired, I ddin't mind as I wasn't married and didn't have dcs.

OK, if I'm honest I didn't support her but rather subsidised her.

Once ds came and my job went I stopped - she is fine as she is now retired on LESS than your mum's income and also in a large mortgage free property.

I needed to do it - it worked and it was useful and didn't stop my lifestyle and she was fine - she now helps us on less of an income than hyour mum.

I think there are two issues - her income in retirement is more than many many part time jobs that mum's do with lower outgoings and the fact that your dcs know about her money issues.

It needs to be tackled - she needs to stop spending.

We are in recession yet credit card companies throw money at the retired. Doesn't mean you have to spend it.

Stop her now and cut off your subsidies. Your kids shouldn't have to understand financial hardship at this age.

Is your mum depressed at all?

I would sit her down and say you aren't happy with her using DD as a messager about her problems. That she needs to realise that was a one off, say to her the money you spent was for her grandchilden's holiday that they are not going on and you have decided that won't happen again as it's not fair that your DC's miss out on things because she's got herself in a mess.

Spell it out she is depriving her own grandchildren.

If she needs assistance to get help, you will do that, you will go through checking she's on the best deals for gas/electricity etc for her, sort out repayment plans for her debts, but you won't give her another penny.

It's going to be embarrassing, but best to deal with it now, rather than when she's in a mess and needs another £500. Because she will.

Did your parents have the kind of relationship where your Dad took care of all the finances? She might actually be a bit clueless about how to balance her books. Would you be able to sit down with her and organise a budget for her to stick to?

She does suffer from depression but retail therapy isn't always the best solution. She is being treated for the depression.

It's a bottomless pit, supporting parents. Rather like supporting children, I suppose.

OBTW - she didn't smoke or have hobbies - it was pre retirement and she was on a sickness benefit only which was tiny - I was happy to help.

1. The smoking - only she can give up and it's hard - dont' come down too heavy on that as she should be able to afford if mortgage free.

1. I didn'tsupport hobbies.

1. I come from a culture where families help each other when in need - she was in need then and it wasn't frivolous stuff and I ensured that she was OK and never checked on what she was spending on as I trusted her and didn't want her to feel that her only child was supporting her stylie.

But your mum is spending in a wierd way (ie craft room if you don't need it). This is why I ask if she's depressed as I had a friend who when solvent was frugal but when in difficulty would spend on the most bizzare things.

I could bring my son up and look after myself in a mortgage free place on her normal income.

OK just seen about the depression - could be why she's overspending.

I have no advice but wanted to sympathise as I am in a similar situation in that I help out my parents.

I find it incredibly difficult to talk about money with them and I hate the role reversal, ie me helping them out and being the more responsible one.

No, Crackfox, she's always managed her own money. Well to be honest with you, she's always been truly terrible at managing money and never learned. My grandfather/father always used to bail her out, but they're both dead now.