to wish that my mum would stop mothering my "little" brother so much?

[ElleBing]

Sorry about the incoming rant but I've just about had a gutful...

My mum was supposed to be coming over this afternoon to help me with some chores as I'm pretty ill with gastric flu and I'm finding everything a bit much atm. She's just called me saying that she cannot come over any more because she's got to wait in for an emergency plumber. She went away for the weekend and my twenty year old brother ran out of loo roll so rather than go buy some, he used cotton wool (wtf?) and it's blocked the loo. She hasn't said a word to him about it despite the fact it'll cost her at least £55 to solve. Then she drops in that after the plumber's been she simply won't have time to come over as she's got to take the lazy little shit to sign on for his Jobseekers allowance. I mean, come on! The idiot's blocked the loo and she's driving him to get his free cash?

Something's gotta give, right? Whenever I question her on why she pussyfoots round him, she just adopts this really pathetic "what can I do?" voice, like some burning martyr. Divvy bro' is off to uni' in September and I've told her that she's got to cut the apron strings now if he's to survive longer than a week without mummykins rushing to his aid every five minutes.

To cap it all off, it's not even like he treats her like a mum. He talks to her like crap and treats her home like a hotel. AIBU if I tell her to grow some kahunas and let him sort his own bloody problems out like most other 20 year olds?

Yabu , dont fall out with your mother about it ,just keep repeating to yourself 'she is doing all the wrong things for the right reasons ' ,in other words because she loves him .

oh and it will probably go on for another 10 years ,so be prepared

It is upsetting her that he treats her like a doormat and that he expects her to do everything for him, so it should follow that if she is unhappy with it she should stop doing it, right?

She does it out of some misguided belief that if she is his nursemaid, he'll eventually show her some respect.

It doesn't sound too bad from what you've said here, pretty standard stuff. Yes he was an eejit to use cotton wool, but presumeably he didn't realise that he had run out until he 'needed' it, and wouldn't have known it would block the loo. If he is on jobseekers presumeably he wouldn't have the cash to pay for it? To be honest, even at 29 I don't think my dad would expect me to pay for this if it were us.

I think what you're more annoyed about by the sounds of things is that she isn't coming round to help you out instead, which is a little unreasonable but fair enough if you're feeling pants. Hope you feel better soon.

My MIL was like this with BIL - it was like if she made him grow up then she wasn't a 'real mum' anymore. She'll be like this at uni holidays as well, just to warn you - BIL was rather spoilt every holiday and she genuinely thought he couldn't cook - how she thought he coped without food for 3 months at a time at uni is beyond me...

Oh, and unfortunately there is nothing you can do, if it does upset her then she needs to address it. It isn't really down to you to intervene, and at 20...nothing you can say to him will pull his head out of his behind! A stint at uni might sort him out.

I don't think anything you say will make a difference. Is your brother the youngest child in the family? If so, your mum will 'mother' him for as long as possible.

My brother is the same age as yours and I have the same problem. My mum does a 400 mile drive to bring him home from uni for the holidays, whereas I had to struggle with my suitcase on the train. He brings back all his washing which she does without complaint. My parents went on holiday and DB had a drunken party where one of his friends ripped the sink off the wall and didn't pay for the plumber. Instead of being angry, my mum laughed it off in a 'boys will be boys' sort of way. He's never been given any responsibility so is incapable of stuff like cleaning etc. I pity the woman who ends up with him. But it's the way of younger brothers to be spoilt.

MrsC it's not to do with her dropping me when I feel yuck. I'd rather she didn't come round because tbh I fancy a lazy day in my jammies and if DM comes she'll be all "come on, get showered/dressed, pull yourself together" so am secretly happy she's not coming I'm more cheesed off that she lets herself be used like this by such an ungrateful idiot.

I don't want to drip drip information in but I do tend to remember other stuff after my initial rant... She often calls me to complain about LB being a little sod to her. I tell her to toughen up and she does her weak kitten routine which pisses me off no end. (My mum was stricter with me, which I hve no beef with. it's how it should be) I think she just wants me to say "awww poor love. You do put up with a lot, you ought to be canonised etc etc" rather than have me tell it to her straight. Other relatives have made the same observation, that she just wants the violins played to her martyrdom rather than good advice.

Actually, I think I may have more of a problem with my mum's actions than LB. I mean, if you give some people an inch they will take a mile and he is definitely one of those people.

If it pisses you off so much (and I can see why it would) then tell her you don't want to hear about it. When I was 18 I went to uni and was responsible for myself in every way. My 33 yr old bro still gets collected from the pub by my parents in the middle of the night and my 21yr old bro still has my mum and dad ferrying him to and from college, sorting out his housing and finances etc. Think it is just a boy thing.When I look at the pair of them, they are like kids compared to how I was. Mind you, they baby my sister too and she is also 21! Hmm thinking about it, it was just me left to my own devices

Sounds like my MIL and BIL and he's 32 .

YANBU when its constantly affecting how she can help you out aswell.
I wouldn't expect a parent to help out one child more than the other unless they had a bloody good reason for it. and your DB being a lazy twat isn't a good enough reason.

but,,, you can't change your mums behaviour towards your brother so you just have to let it run its course, i warn you now though she will put up with it for as long as he likes to take the piss, and at 20yrs old id expect it for at least the next 10 yrs

I've told her this OTT. I said that he'll take the piss for as long as she's willing to let it happen.

LB had to come and live with DH and I for a while (mum had some problems...) and guess what? He pulled his weight because I made him. My mum is by herself and i think he takes advantage of that fact. For some reason, she feels that she needs "back up" from a man to discipline him. Pathetic, ain't it?

I do feel for you, my 'little' sister (26!) is very similar. Uni course after uni course (7 yrs and counting now), never had a job etc, lives at home when not at sea/uni and gets an 'allowance' (a generous one) when she is in halls. Her current course pays her around £10k per yr (which is what I was on as a TA last yr while building teaching experience) which my parents conveniently forget when playing the 'but she's a student...of course we'll pay for it all' card. Yes mum, a 26 yr old student who goes on 3 foreign hols a yr and blows all of her money on drink and clothes.

And yet despite the fact that by her age I had a very good job (since left to retrain), had bought my own flat, finished uni and the equivalent of a masters (while working 2 jobs and paying a hefty £1.5k per yr commuting fee) she is still touted as the 'independent one' (eh?! I'm married with a baby on the way etc etc). Hmmmmm. As you can probably tell, it gets my back up! I do point out that it is a contradiction in terms, she is the independent one to be lauded and yet is the one that they still fully financially support and tell me off for not inviting round/entertaining more.

Anyway, excuse my rant, I'm just trying to say that I completely get how annoying siblings can be sometimes and especially when it comes to parents.

Yep my MIL an BIL too - he's 31 and older than my DH.

Absolute waster and PIL just keep on mollycoddling him and giving it the he's just not as independant as his brother. Translates as he well educated but lazy, spiteful and sly and would rather sponge of his sick mother and his girlfriend than get a job.

Me and DH both have good jobs and our own house. End of last year we bought a new sofa, old one was seriously on the way out. Huge lecture about wasting money, getting into debt (we saved and bought it outright). For Xmas the PIL bought BIL and girlfriend - wait for it - a new sofa wtf? Then BIL moaned it wasn't as expensive as ours. None of this would bother me but PIL still tut disapprovingly at ours everytime they come round!

DH just laughs now, probably the best reaction to be honest.

Sounds like my MIL and SIL.

MIL panders to SIL (the younger sil obviously) to the extreme, so much so it really alienates(sp) the rest of the family