To have declined my friend's offer?

[phoenixflower]

My best friend has invited me to a 'travelling meal' with her church, where you travel to different people?s houses for different parts of the meal. I don?t go to her church and don?t really know the people. I have met some of them once at a church evening I went with my friend too but that?s all.

I have said no for a number of reasons. One of my main reasons is that I am quite fussy about what I eat now I am on a diet so would probably not be the best dinner guest with strangers. Plus, I do not like eating food in front of people I don?t know (I need to loose some weight and feel people judge whatever I put in my mouth). Plus, I am not particularly comfortable with the discussions about God that went on last time I went to something at her church (although I am a Christian, this is different type of church with very different beliefs). I totally respect my best friend?s beliefs etc but I do not share them and it makes me uncomfortable when they say things that I do not agree with. My DCs have gone with DH to his parents this week so I can write my dissertation.

I didn?t mention anything about the religious beliefs as I wouldn?t want to upset her ( she feels very strongly about her beliefs in a ?my way or the highway? type attitude). Please don't think I am being all judgy about her beliefs, I am in no way saying her beliefs are wrong, just that I do not share them.

I told her that I would not be able to come as I need to stick to my diet and write my dissertation while the DCs are away.

I haven?t hears from her since I turned her down and wondered whether I was unreasonable in doing so?

I don't think you are BU.. and you have some good excuses..

Why not call or text her on some other pretext?

Sorry for the errors, should read "went with my friend to "

You're overthinking this. You turned down a social invitation, that's a perfectly fine thing to do. She didn't beg you to come because she was nervous and you knew them better, or anything. She'll have fun, you'll have a nice peaceful evening on your own ( what I wouldn't give), it's fine.

No, you are not BU to turn down an offer to do something, especially as it's not something 'for' her - like a birthday party.

If she's got the hump over this, then she doesn't sound like that great a friend to be honest.

If you want see if she has the hump or not, or smooth the waters over, why not suggest meeting for a quick coffee.

You are allowed to say no to social events. You don't even have to have credible 'reasons'.

Just say no and forget about it.

thanks Feel a bit better now, was starting to feel guilty for turning her down. ( I have the odd need to please people! )

Oh, don't get me wrong - I'd feel a bit mean and guilty doing it (saying 'No thank you') - but it would still be better than actually going! Not to mention the fact that she is showing very little respect about your religious beliefs.

You are allowed to say no.

Is she trying to get you to join the church?

Don't feel guilty - it's not your thing. End of.

YANBU, you can't say yes to everything. She'll get that.

I'd have been inclined to say that you have a pact with God. You don't bother him and he respects the courtesy.

But no, YANBU in turning down what sounds like a hideous evening. I cannot be doing with evangelising, happy-fucking-clappies either.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth - yes I think she might be. We used to go to a different church together when we were in secondary school, bit that was years ago and she goes to a different type of church etc. I think she wants me to go to her church but it's really not my thing!

I hope she isn't trying to manipulate you into saying sorry for this,

you have done nothing wrong, and if she reckons you have and thinks you're going to feel bad about it, she is very very wrong.

Bear in mind some people like to have 'friends' that feel bad and apologise a lot,

it makes them feel somehow gratified

i have ditched a few like this simply by saying no thankyou to events they want to rope me into,

just because someone wants to be your friend does not mean they are 'nice'.

I did apologise when I turned her down as I felt bad that I had said no. When she first asked me if I was free, she didn't say what for just asked if I had the evening free so I said "well it depends how much of my dissertation I have written" etc as I didn't want to say I was free before she mentioned what it was!

Well done!
No it's fine to say 'sorry, I can't make it' but not to go grovelling becauise she is now not speaking to you...wait for her to make the first move, and don't mention it again.

She might be waiting for you to grovel.

But you're not going to, are you?

Just phone her after the meal and ask if she had a good time.

If you have finished your dissertation suggest you both go for a coffee.

They expect you to travel for dessert???? YANBU

Thanks again for the added reassurance! The guilt was creeping in a little more today and I was considering telling her that I could make it after all. I haven?t though.

YANBU. I would have declined too.

It does sound like a particularly unappealing activity anyway - I mean, really. I thought travelling dinners went out with car keys in a bowl?

I bet the grub was gonna be like this