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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that my bf takes phone calls from his ex gf when he's with me?

24 replies

Fizzfiend · 06/04/2010 12:39

I get really upset about this...am I being over the top...he stops what we're doing and has a chat and a laugh with her. He takes calls from anyone when I'm with him btw which I don't really like either....

OP posts:
RealityIsWalking100K · 06/04/2010 12:40

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RealityIsWalking100K · 06/04/2010 12:41

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SmallShips · 06/04/2010 12:47

eh?!

Why do you have a problem with people ringing him?

5Foot5 · 06/04/2010 12:47

Well would you find it preferable if he only took calls from her when he WASN'T with you?

Original poster
Fizzfiend · 06/04/2010 12:48

That's very interesting...maybe I am being a bit of a bunny boiler...that's why I wanted to know if I was being OTT.

I just think it's common courtesy not to answer the phone when you're with someone when it's just for a chat. If it's work, that's different, but still nice to be told he's expecting work calls and may have to take them.

and no, not in the biblical sense, although he did once answer it when it would not stop ringing when we were in the middle of something but that was fair enough.

OP posts:
Kaloki · 06/04/2010 12:50

I think it depends on the situation. If you are out for a meal then it is rude to answer the calls. If you aren't doing anything special, then it's fair enough.

Original poster
Fizzfiend · 06/04/2010 12:50

5foot5...that is a really good point. Oh God I think I might have just blown it...sent a really stroppy email, I mean really really stroppy

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzfiend · 06/04/2010 12:51

we were having drinks at a bar and he looked at his phone and rushed off outside to take it....

OP posts:
SmallShips · 06/04/2010 12:52

How long have you been together?

KAEKAE · 06/04/2010 12:52

MY dp of 11 years used to do this when I first started seeing him. His ex would always call him and he would take the call. It did annoy me - an ex is an ex for a reason, and I didn't like the fact she would call him when we were together and speak about old times etc, etc. It wasn't as if I could get involved with the convo. So I asked him to stop taking her calls, he agreed it wasn't right so it stopped.

Original poster
Fizzfiend · 06/04/2010 13:00

We've been together 18 months but very much still in a dating situation. Am separated with H but still living in the same house so I guess anything more is difficult - we would never have another partner back to the house for example.

OP posts:
minipie · 06/04/2010 13:06

I find people's views on this vary loads. If I meet up with a friend for a meal/drink, I wouldn't answer any calls. But some of my friends will. I think this is rude as it leaves me twiddling my thumbs while they chat... but clearly they don't!

So YANBU to be cross that he answers calls when you're on a date with him. But YABU to be more cross about calls from the ex-gf. If I were you I would say to him that really it's him answering calls when he's supposed to be on a date with you that winds you up... leave out the ex-gf part.

Original poster
Fizzfiend · 06/04/2010 16:59

Bumping my own post....just really interested to get other people's views on this scenario...thanks for all comments so far. Starting to feel like I might be a bit too demanding....

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 06/04/2010 17:07

If you're still just dating, then I imagine you don't have much time together, so I think it would be reasonable to ask if he could call people back later instead of having long chats in your limited time together. Different if you are together a lot - the rest of his life can't be on hold every moment you happen to be there!

traceybath · 06/04/2010 17:11

Well if you were out on a date and he went outside to chat for 10mins to an ex - I 'd think that was a little rude if it wasn't an emergency.

Reality - you do make me laugh.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 06/04/2010 17:25

I think it depends. If you see him several times a week and want his 100% focussed attention every minute he is in your presence, then you need a slap and probably a huge wedgie, frankly When you are in a relationship with someone, then them chatting on the phone is no big deal.

If you only saw him once a week for 2 hours, and he spent ages on the phone, then that's a bit different and tbh, I'd say it's a sign he's just not that into you.

ElenorRigby · 06/04/2010 17:28

Did he have a child with his ex? If so maybe he is trying to keep her sweet.

plimsolls · 06/04/2010 17:40

I kind of had a similar problem.

His ex used to call/text him all the time and I was convinced she did it more often when she knew I was around. It used to really bug me that DP didn't brush her off or anything. In hindsight, I was being a bit irrational

So then he just started taking her calls when I wasn't around, which i wasn't too keen on either [is there a hypocritical emoticon?!] Then I realised, I justt had to try and get over the fact he had an ex who wouldn't leave him alone..

So the Ex issue....decide what you want- for them to be in contact but in 'secret', or for it be open?

In terms of taking phonecalls from anybody, as other posters have said, I reckon it depends on the context and how often you see each other.

So if you are just hanging out, then I don't think it is unreasonable for him (or you) to chat on the phone for a short while. If you are on a date or doing something in particular, then maybe you have a point. Try making a face at him when he is on the phone (in a jokey, nice girlfriend way) and see how he responds. He might not have realised that he was being a bit rude.....

good luck!

2rebecca · 06/04/2010 17:41

I think if you see someone infrequently then them leaving you in the lurch whilst they chat to someone else is rude, it's basically prioritising them over you. I tend to keep my mobile on silent if out with someone. I agree that if he has kids with his ex he has more of a need to keep her sweet than if he hasn't.
I'd just ask him to put his phone on silent with you unless he's expecting something urgent as you find him rushing off to speak to other people and leaving you rude.
I wouldn't do this to my female friends either.

Pikelit · 06/04/2010 17:43

It's a question of proportion really. If your bf spends much of your time together on the phone to other people then yes, I'd be pissed off. Especially if he has plenty of time when he isn't in your company to have these conversations. But equally, life can't stop when you are in the company of someone else. It does strike me as rather insecure to spend very much time chatting to an ex while he is with you though. It is courteous to answer your phone but not rude to ask if you could phone the caller back later provided it isn't an urgent call.

TinyPawz · 06/04/2010 23:33

My exDH used to take calls from his ex all the time when we were together. Like you said, stop everything that he was doing to concentrate wholly on the the conversation and ignore all that was going on around him.

I suspected that there was more to the the convesations than I could understand (english is not their 1st language). He convinced me that I was making a big deal out of nothing. Needless to say she wasn't really an "ex". He left after 4months of marriage to go back to her.

I would say, trust your instinct. I wish I had.

KiwiKat · 06/04/2010 23:46

But then again, I'm good friends with one of my old boyfriends, and quite good friends with another, and keep in touch with a number of others (who are all married or in relationships) on Facebook. And nowt at all flirty about it. Just because our romantic relationships didn't work out, doesn't mean that I dislike them - although of course there are a couple, including ex-DH - that I dislike A LOT. But everyone's different, so I think you and he should have a chat about friendships, boundaries, what you both expect of the other, etc.

Casmama · 06/04/2010 23:54

Erm . . . you are still living with your husband although officially separated and you have a problem with him chatting to his ex on the phone to the extent you have sent him a really really stroppy email? Pot, kettle?

I can understand you finding it a bit irritating but I think you need to have a quite chat, not send stroppy emails, and that you really need to acknowledge that although you would prefer it, you know you don't have any right to demand it.

jasper · 06/04/2010 23:59

chatting away to ANYONE on our mobile while you are in company is a bit rude, I think

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