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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say thanks but no thanks to future MIL's offer to do our wedding flowers and cake?

28 replies

bowbluebell · 06/04/2010 09:10

So, it's not like I often turn down kind offers from loved ones, especially if it saves us time and money and is essentially a kind offer.

Since we started planning our wedding, MIL has been keen to do our flowers and cake, but I'm increasingly thinking we may have to risk deeply offending her by employing a professional. Here's why:

MIL makes lots of wonderful plans that amount to nothing (such as her art exhibition in India, which we changed our wedding date to accommodate, which amounted to nothing) and has already let us down with an offer to do flowers for a christening.

She has a very forceful personality, I would get NO say in the flower/cake production process and she will most likely fall out with various members of the church/village as she takes liberties and treads on toes.

She is a determined attention seeker, the wedding, for her, would be about nothing more than the cake and the flowers (she made a cake for DD's christening and had a photo of the cake rather than my daughter framed for me as a gift!)

MIL likes to delegate less glamourous tasks- she has already offered my mother the opportunity to make the buttonholes and 'other boring things'

Oh, and she drives me mad if we spend more than ten minutes together, she doesn't contribute to our family life in any positive way and I hate the way she treats DD and DP as people to be 'shown off' to her friends, rather than to have a relationship with (okay, so this might be about more than flowers and cakes...).

As you may gather, I don't have a great relationship with her, but she's not really noticed! But I don't want to hurt her feelings. On the other hand, I would actually like some flowers at my wedding and to stay sane in the process. Also if she let me down, I don't see how I'd get over the fury.

Any way forward on this, or do I just (get DP to) bite the bullet and say we are making other arrangements?

Thanks for reading my rant

OP posts:

TidyBush · 06/04/2010 09:13

"Thanks for the kind offer MIL but it's more important to us that you just enjoy the day. We've already arranged for someone to do the cake and flowers. We're not telling anyone about the designs because we want it to be a surprise".

Job done .

Firawla · 06/04/2010 09:15

I think it will be better to get your DP to just say making other arrangements.

BelleDameSansMerci · 06/04/2010 09:17

Wow, Tidybush, you're good...

octopusinabox · 06/04/2010 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hassled · 06/04/2010 09:17

Can you let her do one but not the other? If she's less likely to cock up the flowers, could you let her do that and refuse the cake?

RJRabbit · 06/04/2010 09:18

You're risking alienating her from day one, which is not a good thing if you plan to be married for a long time! Either let her do it and have something else lined up in case it all goes wrong, or find something else for her to do. If she's an artist she may want to design the invitations, order of service, etc. Or what about table design or favours? She gets to design, someone else can make favours / set the tables?

Sn0wflake · 06/04/2010 09:19

Well my mother did the flowers for my wedding when I thought it was a bad idea. It sounds like she has a lot of similarities to your MIL but is actually quite sweet with it....but still drives me up the wall.

Well it ended up with her lost and in tears on the wedding day and totally strung out. I wish she had listened to me and just had a nice chilled out day toasting me.

Anyway you just have to say: "No, I want you to relax and have a good time on my wedding day."

The cake on the other hand you could accept (as it is done in advance and have a crafty alternative if it fell through).

I suppose I should also say that the flowers were lovely on the day but it really upset me that my mother was upset and tired and strained and not just enjoying herself.

Trust your instincts.

ElleBing · 06/04/2010 09:20

Just tell her that you've already put a deposit down for someone to do both (unless she knows differently of course) and you'll lose your cash if you cancel. Tell her she can do the orders of service or something.

RJRabbit · 06/04/2010 09:22

Also, you should know this: weddings are ALWAYS going to ruffle feathers, no matter what you do, and often the feathers will blow from the least-expected directions!

Iloveponies · 06/04/2010 09:28

Tidy bush puts it brilliantly, dont risk it, give her some other (non essential) but pompous sounding task, so she can bask in glory and you can enjoy the day.

She sounds like my Mum I bet she wears white to your wedding

gagamama · 06/04/2010 09:36

Draw up in terrifying detail the exact cake and flowers you require, and excitedly present them to her saying that all your family and friends have seen the plans and think it's incredible that she's willing and able to make them up. Imply that failure to stick to the plans will bring shame upon her and everyone you've spoken to will be so disappointed and blame her for messing up the beautiful envisioned cake and flowers.

She'll either backtrack completely or give you what you want. I doubt she'd risk losing face and glory.

QuintessentialShadow · 06/04/2010 09:41

Well, the wedding cake is not as important as the relationship with your future mil.

Why not as others have suggested let her do the cake? Have an alternative up your sleeve. Such as a plain wedding cake, already sliced up (just in case people want MORE cake - and she doesnt need to know, and the decor would not really matter, only the taste, as it is already sliced, this will cut the cost significantly too)

Katisha · 06/04/2010 09:42

Trouble is flowers and cakes are not things you can easily have back-up plans for.

I think you have to get DP to sort it out now, rather than waiting and seeing if they materialise as it will go up to the wire and then it will too late to sort any alternatives.

Unless you just make the point and end up with NO cake and flowers!!!

Go with TidyBush.

JaneS · 06/04/2010 09:45

Really, Katisha? I would have thought it's quite easy to get back-up cake tba.

Btw, if my mum is any guide, your MIL will go nuts trying to make wedding cake, it's not as easy as it looks!

Katisha · 06/04/2010 09:48

Well a plain back-up cake fine. You could do that yourself. But cake makers/decorators (and florists) get very booked up and don't tend to be able to do last minute orders for the full monty.

Katisha · 06/04/2010 09:49

Also do you want the extra stress as the date approaches of trying to decide if you need to try to get back ups, and then having to start ringing round?
Get the situation sorted now I say!

legscrossed · 06/04/2010 09:50

your DP needs to manage his (problem) mother either way.

notyummy · 06/04/2010 09:52

I think the middle ground as outlined by Tidybush sound sensible. She does the cake,which keeps her involved and avoids putting her nose completly out of joint; but the flowers are done by a professional. Tell her a few (made up!) stories of friends you know whose relatives had a HORRENDOUS day at their loved ones weddings when they volunteered to do the flowers as they couldn't relax/had no time to theirselves/had no time to get ready and look nice etc. You just want all the family to relax and enjoy the day so couldn't possibily think of any of your family being put through that....

My MIL did all our invites/replies and it was a nice way of involving her.

Lulumaam · 06/04/2010 09:52

agree with katisha, you won't be able to get a back up florist easily at all
agree with whoever said present her with very complicated and exacting plans and say everyone has already seen them and think it will be stunning.. might just make her focus on how much is at stake

JaneS · 06/04/2010 09:53

I'm only guessing, but if OP is even considering having her MIL do flowers, she might not be too bothered about florist-y flowers? Lots of people just grab a load of something from the flower shop, rather than having 'done' flowers.

Though, OP, if this is not the case, it's another reason not to let your MIL near it. However good she is, unless she is actually a professional florist, she'll find it quite difficult. Can you put her off with practical questions like, where is she going to store the flowers the day before? Will she be happy ducking out of the ceremony early in order to set up flowers at the reception?

jenduff · 06/04/2010 10:10

You lot are clever sneaky some good suggestions OP - good luck

Doodleydoo · 06/04/2010 10:11

Let her do the cake, but not the flowers - reason being that it is much easier for a florist to get exactly what you want at a good price because of the trade discount you get.

Let her do the cake BUT got to M and S/ Waitrose (they do nice ones you see that are vvvvv good) and buy a simple simple white iced fruit cake.

simple cake

Then get the florist to do an extra button hole or string of flowers that your mother can drape over the top at the last minute. You might be £30/40 down but you will have a fruit cake that won't go off quickly and if you don't use it can use it at xmas. Most florists won't charge an awful lot for the cake decor if you are buying everything from them. Also some lovely thick ribbon in the colour "theme" would work well.

Just an idea - they do have some lovely ones on the website and on the m and s website and am sure other people do them but I remember for dd's christening after had paid for someone to make a cake (why did I do that) I thought it was daft I didn't look in the supermarket first!!!!!

slipperthief · 06/04/2010 10:15

I'd think that both cake and flowers would be quite a big demand on her and less likely to both get done. How about helping to source some vases for the flowers / prettily write out the seating plan or something?

Then if she does the cake, keep asking lots of questions like 'so how are the icing flowers going for the top of the cake? Can I see the practice ones? How well do they match up with my favourite flowers? Are you doing the pillars/ribbon/cake stand etc for the cake? Can I see? Have you got some trial run samples of different cake types for us to try (sponge, chocolate etc?)?

All with the excuse of you being excited about it all rather than reluctantly letting her do it. Would put a bit of pressure on and give you warning in case it all goes pear shaped?

taffetacat · 06/04/2010 10:19

I am also loving TidyBush's initial response. I assume she has some artistic leanings - "her art exhibition in India....".

Maybe she might like to use her artistic talent in a more lasting way. You could add you would like her to do something to add to the day that you can keep.

Don't know what sort of artist she is. Sketches on the day?

MrsSaxon · 06/04/2010 10:26

YADNBU, my mil took over the catering for our wedding and on the day produced nothing.

Luckily I had anticipated this and had hired a caterer, I thought if mil does produce anything it will just be extra.

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