To say NO to unsupervised access / overnights with DD?

[cananybodyhelp]

XP recently out of the Priory for addiction to heroin, valium, codeine and cannabis. He is still having a joint every night 'to help him sleep'.

I have no idea whether he is still taking anything else, and suspect he is despite wanting to believe him.

His mother knew he was taking heroin before he was hospitalised, and kept it to herself despite knowing he was having DD overnight every week.

I have said either are welcome to see DD as much as they like/are able, on the condition someone else is there, who is responsible for DD. Since he came out of hospital XP has only seen her when I have physically taken her to see him because he is 'skint' and can't afford the £3 bus fare. His mother has not been in contact for months and last saw her in October.

I am under pressure to let the two of them to take DD on holiday for a week and have said no on the grounds that I can trust neither of them. I'm worried he is not quick enough to be responsible for her (she is two, and super-fast), and about what he might have in his pockets or lying around. I'm also worried about indoctrination from his mother who spends her life undermining everyone else to gain control over them. They are a scary pair.

AIBU and is there anything they can do about my decision? Are they getting a reasonable offer from me under the circumstances?

OMG, YADNBU. Do not let this pair take her away for a week, if necessary involve lawyers.

YADNBU. If he's still smoking cannabis every night, he's not alright to be supervising a two year old. And that's despite the other drug addictions.

Given the history here, you are perfectly reasonable to insist on supervised daytime visitation only. If he can stay clean for a period that makes you feel comfortable, you can talk about overnights again, but a week away from you, for a two year old, is way too long even if there wasn't any drug history there.

So I'm saying that not only are you being reasonable to say no to a week, but you're perfectly reasonable to say no to overnights at all. And I'd consider supervised access, which you have done.

That was a very long way of saying, I think you are entirely correct on all counts.

I think I'm being painted as some sort of cow for extending the same stipulations to his mother - other family members are starting to canvas on her behalf for the sake of 'harmony' -- the thought of letting her go makes me feel sick to my stomach - I just can't allow it.

I should add that they are all in agreement with me that she has serious issues and that she has had a terrible effect on her son.

They are all scared of her though. She's a very dominant and bittr character.

Does anyone know what they would likely be awarded in terms of access if this did go to court?

Well "they" wouldn't be awarded access; the mother would feature as a support system for the son, and be relevant in that sense, but she can't petition for access rights in her own right. It will rise and fall on your ex.

It's probably worth you having a conversation with a solicitor - I gather a lot of them do a free halfhour consultation in family law. The fact that your ex has documented serious drug abuse issues is going to hurt his case, as is the fact that your daughter is very young. Past that, I can't tell you.

I'm reasonably confident that no court in the land would agree to a week away from you, though.

I've just got a horrible feeling that they are going to get a lawyer. I spoke to a family lawyer who told me to 'trust my intincts' where access was concerned. Which seems open to interpretation? But that is exactly what I am doing I suppose.

At this point, I'd document absolutely everything. I'd speak to your ex via email only, so you have a written record. I'd stay away from any accusations, I'd make it clear over and over again that you have no problem with contact but you'd like it to be supervised.

And then sit back and wait. If they get a lawyer, you'll have to get one as well. But they won't get the week away.

Try posting in legal issues or lone parents maybe? You'll get some more specialised advice there, I think. I don't practise family law so I don't want to mislead you.

Thank you so much. I am only just keeping a lid on a complete wobbler - the situation has been so depressing and sad all round and I don't want to fight with them, but just can't trust either of them.

I've got a lot on email already as he is so monosyllabic on the phone and in person that it's impossible to either know what's going on to make arrangements with him about DD. It's so so sad.

He is a documented addict and is by his own admission (?) still using substances. I think the best case scenario would be contact dependent on court ordered drug tests, I don't know how likely that would be but a recovering addict must be clean to be sober and he's not. The fact that it's 'only cannabis' is neither here nor there, he's dependent on substances to function, ergo you have the right to withold unsupervised access.

The mother wouldn't get contact by herself.

DO NOT LET HER GO !

I've got texts from over the last two years, when everything started falling apart. I have emails, long ones, begging his Mum for help, telling her what he was doing, begging for some sort of collaborative effort to help and I've also kept her responses which are things like:

Cananybodyhelp,

Thank you for giving me this information.

XP Mum.

She just ignored it all and fed his bank account so he never ran out of money. I ended up going to other members of hr family who have been great, but she then said that I had declared she could never see DD again (not true). I think this was to deflect attention from her own appalling inaction. It's so fucking horrible and messed up. I have proof of EVERYTHING though. Not with a view to needing it for court, but as reminders to myself of what has been happening and that I have not been going mad.

He's taking steps to get better/ clean...... Court WILL recognise this. He will likely be granted access, which will be then upped gradually if he stays clean. Yes. Courts will order tests. Cafcass may be involved too.

Have just been through 2 years of court and they really do promote access.

Try and separate your (very valid) concerns about what kind of people they are from the drug taking.

You need to remain calm, cool and objective over this one.

The drug taking is non-negotiable. She cannot stay there. No court of law would entertain the idea of forcing a child to be in an environment where drugs are likely to be present. Speak to a solicitor.

It is such a hard situation - I'm scared this arguing will set him back, and I WANT him to be well and for them to have lots of contact. I don't want to be his enemy. But can't trust them at all at the same time.

does your XP have addiction issues too?

There is NO way I would be allowing any of them unsupervised access - not a cat in hells chance.

As others have said, document everything.

I know you want him to be a good Dad, I know you want them to have a good relationship etc - but to allow them unsupervised access would be putting her at risk and that has to come first.

If he wont accept that, let him go to court to get access, with his history it is doubtful he would get more than you are offering him now, not initially at least! It will also give him time to get himself properly sorted or screw it up.

You dont need to ask this question,logically you know this is not on.get legal advice if needs be.