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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let DD sleep over at MIL's with her cousin?

31 replies

louloulouise · 05/04/2010 21:49

Really not sure about this, I wouldn't say I have a strong view re this either way but I am leaning towards not letting her stay.

Basically MIL has said DD's cousin will be sleeping over this week (she looks after him the next day), he is 8, and does DD want to sleep over too. Now, the arrangement usually is DD sleeps in with MIL when she stays over (doesn't sleep over often) as her and FIL have separate bedrooms each with a double bed. I don't have an issue with DD occasionally sleeping over in MIL's bed with her (although she often comes back quite tired, again, not an issue as is only occasional).

I think I may have an issue with DD having to share with MIL and cousin a) due to different gender and maybe not appropriate? just doesn't sit quite right with me and b) the space issue, if she doesn't get much sleep in with just MIL she'll get even less with cousin in as well.

I made sort of non-committal noises about not being sure what we had planned for that particular day, I think she possibly took that as a no but can't be sure she won't ask again and not sure what to say?! I don't want to blurt out that I don't feel comfortable with her sharing a bed with her boy cousin. DD is 6y if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 05/04/2010 21:53

It wouldn't bother me. Sounds like it might be fun to have a sleepover at her grandma's with her cousin. Do you have reason to be concerned about this boy? Otherwise, I wouldn't say there's a problem. It really does sound like it would be fun for them.

If you think there's not enough space, what about a blowup mattress? You can get them in Tesco for a tenner.

ChippingIn · 05/04/2010 21:54

louloulouise - if it were me I would have no problem with MIL & DD also sharing with DN - they are only little. I used to share my cousins room when I was little and they were 2 boys, 4 & 6 years older than me (the only harm I ever came to was they would play toss the teddy & make me cry sometimes!!), but they (teddy tossing aside) were great times.

If you are still really concerned could DN share with FIL while DD shares with MIL?

I would also say, that unless she is a very light sleeper, it's probably more due to having a late night than not sleeping well with your MIL.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 05/04/2010 21:56

Wouldn't be a problem here wither.

abbierhodes · 05/04/2010 21:57

I really don't see the issue with a 6 year old and an 8 year old sharing a bed!!! You are creating issues that don't exist!!! What on earth is the significance of gender at that age?

Boys2mam · 05/04/2010 21:58

Nope, no problem here either.

If its anything like my DS and his cousin the tiredness is most definitely the late night rather than lack of sleep.

thisisyesterday · 05/04/2010 21:59

are you sure she is planning on ALL of them sharing a bed?

would be a little cramped i'd imagine! so MIL might have other ideas. why not just ask her?

or buy a ready bed and just say "oh, we got this as we thought you might be a bit cramped"

i dunno, i don't think it would bother me particularly for them all to share in terms of being different sexes. he is only 8 after all! i just don't think it'd be that comfortable for any of them

Thediaryofanobody · 05/04/2010 22:01

I wouldn't have a problem with it at that age there still very young.

Original poster
louloulouise · 05/04/2010 22:03

MIL always says DD is very fidgety in her sleep so could be light sleeping/waking because of DD waking MIL who in turn wakes DD if that makes any sense.

I'm not very down with boy/girl sharing, DS is only 2 and on my side there are no boys in my family. I'm glad the initial response from everyone is to go for it, I'm sure they would have a blast DD and DN get on fab most of the time. There are no concerns over DN, he's just a normal boisterous, innocent child, as is DD.

Sleeping in with FIL, I imagine would be out of the question, I don't think FIL would go for that at all. Blowup mattress could be a possibility, we could buy one to keep over there and send extra blankets etc.

OP posts:
birdworthington · 05/04/2010 22:05

My son is 10 and when he stays with my mum he sleeps in with her. She is is grandmother so I see no problem with this. My niece has stayed at my house before and she is 6, she likes top and tailing with my son as he is her favourite.

You are making an issue where there isn't one.

farmerjones · 05/04/2010 22:07

my parents never let us have sleepovers with cousins of opposite gender. i intend to do same with my kids.
yabr

frecklyspeckly · 05/04/2010 22:10

if you think about when people go camping in tents (not me - fear of outdoor insects!!) you can have several genders and generations all crammed in together, to me, this basically doesn't sound this different.

Having said that if this upsets you enough to post you should let your MIL know so she can re-jig the sleeping arrangements.
IME some 8 yr olds are still mere babes and some far more worldly-wise, have you seen anything to suggest it would not be a good idea to leave them unattended?

Original poster
louloulouise · 05/04/2010 22:11

That's exactly the point though, I didn't know whether this was an issue or not - I have had little to no contact with boys of this age so really didn't know whether it was appropriate or not.

I'm glad of the replies from bods on here before I make a final decision for MIL, it's obviously a non-issue for all who have replied, I feel a bit silly for having posted in the first place .

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 05/04/2010 22:12

farmerjones, what will you do if your children are different sexes? segregate them too?

why on earth would you stop someone going on a sleepover with a cousin of a different sex???

clemette · 05/04/2010 22:13

Sorry to be so frank, but what exactly would be the concern about two children sharing a bed? Not sure how it could be inappropriate??

Original poster
louloulouise · 05/04/2010 22:14

x-posted sorry.

Nothing to suggest DN is more street-wise than any other 8yo afaik, he's an only child and is reasonably sheltered.

OP posts:
frecklyspeckly · 05/04/2010 22:15

Lou-Lou what can seem like a non-issue to some can be a major issue to others, I cannot see what harm will be done if it worries you to ask MIL to re-jig who sleeps where.

birdworthington · 05/04/2010 22:17

Don't feel silly for having posted.

I think if people make an issue out of boys and girls sharing it sends a message to the children that it is inappropriate when it isn't.

Original poster
louloulouise · 05/04/2010 22:18

Children do become aware of themselves though don't they and will do the sort of dr's and nurses type experimenting games which I remember doing at roughly this age with a boy friend?

OP posts:
clemette · 05/04/2010 22:21

But if they do it is entirely normal as well. Children experiment with their bodies without the adult concept of "sex" being part of their experimentation.

seeker · 05/04/2010 22:22

My children will be sharing a bed for the rest of the week - they are 14 and 9 - 14 is a girl and 9 is a boy. Why on earth would it be "inappropriate"?

thisisyesterday · 05/04/2010 22:24

they do, but that is normal too, and if necessary you can chat to your daughter about what is and isn't appropriate with regard to other people's bodies.

but i really doubt they'd be doing it iwth grandma in the bed too! lol

Original poster
louloulouise · 05/04/2010 22:25

Yes I agree birdworthington, I obviously haven't mentioned this to DD at all. But isn't there a gap here for teaching children what is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour?

I suppose I get a bit worried about how I teach DD stuff like this and a what age/when does it even become relative? Not at 6yo I feel personally. It's just silly irrational worries/thoughts which often pop up about different things which makes me stop and think about how or whether to broach certain things and at what age.

OP posts:
birdworthington · 05/04/2010 22:31

wouldn't worry about needing to teach her about all that stuff yet. My dd is 6, all she knows is that is someone touched her 'mary' then she is to tell me.

Original poster
louloulouise · 05/04/2010 22:36

Thanks for all the replies, been really helpful. Off to bed now, lol.

OP posts:
seeker · 05/04/2010 22:39

At 6 all they need to know is that they don't have to do anything that anybody asks them to without checking with mum or dad. And that it's fine to say to another grown up "I need to ask my mum" and nice grown ups never mind of you say that. No detail, no "strangers", no "if anyone touches your {inset euphemism of choice} come and tell me. Just anything you don't like, come and tell mum. Whoever does it.