To draw a line under playdates for dd for the time being..

[minxofmancunia]

Eever since she turned 2 (she's now 3.5) Dh has been mad for arranging friends to come over/meet in park etc etc for dd. He's v sociable and so is he.

However there have always been issues which don't seem to be abating. Obviously when they're 2 you expect a bit of snatvhing, fighting and general silliness but she still has huge difficulties at coping even now. being with female friends the same age seemt o trigger some really difficult emotion in her. She becomes possessive, aggressive, deliberately nasty, pushy and generally a complete PITA. She's v directive with her friends and gets into a complete frenzy if things don't go her way. This isn;t a prob at nursery though just when they're at ours/she's at theres. She IS popular though and can play really well but it only takes the slightest thing for it all to descend into complete chaos. I have to be constantly on her case about sharing, personal space, aggression and various other negative behaviours.

She invariable has to apologise AT LEAST once for hitting or pushing. She often gets into a frantic cycle of "are you my friend?" asking over and over and if they say no or refuse to respond she gets hysterical, she also can't cope with leaving/them leaving ours and is an absolute nightmare running after them into middle of road or tearing off on her scooter. they ALWAYS end in tears.

I've asked dh not to arrange any more for the time being, it's too stressful and i'm sure she's getting a bad name as the agressive naughty disobedient child, which I don't want for her. i've said fine to parties, dancing and sunday school as well as seeing them at nursery which i think is enough. Dh thinks I'm being mean as every weekend it's "who can i play with? who's coming round?" etc.etc.

She's LOVELY when it's just family or in the company of other interested adults, she's also brilliant with boys, older girls, babies and children she's just met, she makes friends everywhere we go and plays nicely. But with the little gorup of girls she knows well it's a disaster, and it's s**t for me too as it's me who ends up refereeing/limit setting/invariably having to look like a crap Mum and raise my voice.
today we've had a fantastic day. Farm this am then an adult friend round who was v interested in playing with her and then just quiet time drawing. No behaviour probs at all.

AIBU to say no to socialising with nursery mates for the time being? My opinion is it stresses her and she just can't cope with it.

How is she if she goes to their houses?
I dont think YABU at all.

Sometimes they just need a break for a while from playdates.

Sounds like she does enough socialising in the week so let her have some quiet time at weekends.

You are YANBU at all... sounds as though it's a bit more than she can comfortably cope with and down time is ok.. 3 year olds don't actually NEED a social life like a teenager!

Mine are all older now but we used to do nursery then down time.. the odd afternoon playdate is fine but calm time is essential otherwise they were overtired and not much fun!

I'd quietly cut it all right back for a good few months and then slowly reintroduce a few playdates but as occasional treats not regular 'must do' events

YANBU. I suspect that nursery keeps her occupied and tires her enough that quieter weekends are just what she needs. I also suspect she's picked up your DH's (rather unrealistic) interpretation of the social life that a two year old needs and this'll add to the mix. I'm sure she needs that break from nursery playdates and will be a much more sociable little girl when she's a bit older and you can restart them.

Sorry, should read "interpretation of the social life that a three year old needs".

She goes to nursery 3 days a week so has 2 days at home with me and ds who's 6 months. To be fair this must be a bit frustrating for her as he's a fairly demanding baby and no longer sleeps much in the day ahd takes up a lot of my time. She's exceptinally good with him and tries her little best to amuse herself on those 2 days but I can see her getting fed up. everytime I get the paints out or decide to do some planting or something with her it gets interrupted.

She ends up watching too much tv and looks so sad sometimes !

I usually try to arrange for a gp to come up one of those days to take her out and spoli her a bit.

TBH she mainly plays up spectacularly when it's her and me and one of her friends and their parent(s). I wonder whther she's attention seeking from me? She no longet has that one day per week just me and her and she may be missing it?

Do the playdates last too long, I wonder? I sometimes had that problem with friends who would arrive and stay for hours. Once I shortened the duration (I read somewhere that 1.5 hours is max for a pre-school child), it all improved overnight.

Just a thought..

In any case, YANBU - why bother if it's so stressful?

I think that there is a wee bit too much going on in her life - it's a wee bit too busy! I wouldn't can 'playdates' totally, but pick & choose when/how many/how long a bit more carefully.

If you keep filling up her days with things/people she will keep asking for that to happen and wont learn to amuse herself and wont have any 'down time' - tell your DH this isn't good for her!

When the GP's visit, can they not spend half the day with her doing something and the other half with DS so that you and DD can spend some time together without DS?