to want to buy stuff for my DS

[chelseamorning]

I like to buy the odd thing for my 3.5yr old DS. I don't spend much, perhaps up to £5 or so. I sometimes use it as a surprise reward for his good behaviour or a distraction if we're travelling etc. He certainly doesn't get regular presents and nor does he expect to get them.

However my DP says I'm spoiling him and that we shouldn't buy him anything 'big' outside of his birthday or Christmas. I think he's being a bit unreasonable - and tight!!!! I found a couple of books in a charity shop last week and bought them for a total of £3. I gave them to DS that day and DP was a bit off with me for doing so.

I don't see anything wrong with trying to stimulate DS's imagination by buying him the odd thing. He's desperate for a Playmobil recycling truck as he's obsessed with the real thing, but, at around £30, he's now not likely to get it until his birthday in October which is just aaaages away.

AIBU???

Depends on how much stuff your DS has already and whether or not you get rid of things as well as buying them in, I guess.

I do buy DS stuff as well, although I have a self-imposed bar on any cuddly toys (he has waaaaay too many) - but it isn't going to be long before DH starts whinging about the amount of stuff DS has and tells me that it will have to be "one in, one out" if I keep doing it.

OTOH - books? gotta be done, or go to the library if you have space issues.

I kind of see where your DH is coming from as I have the same issue (but the other way round) with DH.

He is always buying DS1 little things - cars, books etc. They tend to be things DH likes too .

The reason I (mildly) disapprove is that DS doesn't distinguish that they are cheap. He just thinks he gets treats whenever we go shopping - cue much whining etc when I don't buy them.

I certainly wouldn't buy him the playmobil truck unless it was his birthday. He's not actually desperate for the truck is he? And if he can't wait until October, that means he would probably be fed up with it by then anyway.

We go to the library every 3 weeks for new books. Although DS does have lots at home anyway.

I will also buy him replacement things like play doh, felt tips, that kind of thing.

If he has been a very good boy he can sometimes have a magazine.

Yes, I can see where DP is coming from too! And I agree that £30 for the truck is probably too generous for a non-birthday present.

However I'm not talking about a constant stream of gifts. Perhaps one every 3-4 weeks or so and always linked to very good behaviour above and beyond his usual. As I said, sometimes he has a new toy if I need him to be extra good, say at a wedding or a long car journey.

He's not a greedy child and rarely badgers me to buy him things when we're out shopping. He's one of the few children I know who is happy to go into a toy shop to chose a birthday gift for a friend, without demanding one for himself! In fact, I once said to him when out shopping, 'You know, you can't have everything that you see'. Later that day, he repeated it back to me when I saw a dress I wanted!!!

We're all great at getting rid of things we don't need. DS will tell me when he's too 'big' for a particular toy and he likes to take things to the charity shops. The toys he has are played with on a very regular basis. No tat and compared to his friends, he doesn't have a lot of stuff.

As for books, DS and I love them. I have a lot myself and - nature or nurture - DS has a decent stash of them too! To be honest, my motto is always 'if a book's worth reading then it's worth buying'. However, unlike me, DS will give me books he's outgrown for the charity shop pile, so that all his books are current ones with no babyish titles. We do go to the library but he's not keen to actually get books out and so we just spend time there reading them which is really nice.

Btw, I like your idea of a Reward Cupboard, Mutt! Might start one of those.

YANBU. Some people seem to have this incredibly controlling attitude to children and feel they should control what they get and keep it all very minimal. I say don't be so afraid of kids, they won't turn into two headed monsters if you take the pole outa your ass!!! Of course I understand people want to teach them the value of money etc but that can be done whilst also giving the odd treat etc. If no one is ever generous to them (except on two 'designated' days of the year) how do our children learn about generosity?

Yes there are other ways of being generous eg time, thought, etc but that doesn't mean that a little gift now and again isn't generous too.

chelsea I think your DS sounds fine with it and you are doing nothing wrong.

Exactly what Cirrhosis said, with bells on!!

My children have little treats all year round too...I didnt as a child and I used to watch my friends get little treats and be rather envious.

If its something a child really wants and you can afford it - why not? I love to see my dc happy.

Books and educational stuff arent 'treats' they are essentials imo.

As long as they know its a gift bcos you love them and dont start to see it as a foregone conclusion just bcos they are out/youre out etc then I think its perfectly acceptable.

On Saturday(we tend to buy a small gift at easter cos ds3 has a dairy intolerance) we paid for something to be done to ds2s bike,bought ds3 a millenium falcon from lego and ds1 who is 16 was really happy to get £10 towards a new t shirt.

In your situation, YANBU. You aren't showering him with gifts for no apparent reason, and you are linking the gifts you do buy with good behaviour or exceptional circumstances (though my parents avoided long-journey bribes by only travelling at night!).

I'm also with you 100% on books, btw, though I often trial books by borrwing them from the library now that my budget is smaller. if I like them, I add them to the 'to buy list' when I'm finished.

DP and I are fortunately in agreement with books though, as we're both mad on them. But I guess I can see how your DP might percieve them as 'treats' if he isn't so into reading. I think you just need to frame the book purchases in an educational light, and remind him how well they will help your DS do at school . For the other things, maybe having a more structured approach to the gifts as Mutt suggested will help your DP understand what you are doing - if he's not at home with you all day, he might not see the context with which the gift was bought.

I don't think the odd gift outside of bdays and holidays are 'bad' at all. I do that for my two (3 and 2), and they never bother me for stuff when we're out. We do clear out often, and both children do have to figure out a few toys to donate on their own, which I think is good. I don't believe in buying stuff for rewards...it is not very helpful in the long term if they expect to be rewarded for every good thing they do, particularly for behaviour that is expected of them.

I buy tat from the pound shop for long journeys/extended lunches in restaurants and any other occasion that might be dull for small children. I don't think it's spoiling them - it's largely to make my life more pleasant

We treat DS often, i'm not a fan of only buying treats at xmas and birthdays.

Anything educational I dont really count as a treat, you can never have enough books.

I agree with Cirrhosis too. I find the "I only buy my children something at Christmas and on their birthday" quite controlling actually. I certainly treat myself sometimes, so why not DD?

In fact, I'm not adverse to treating anyone because sometimes it is nicer to get something just because you love someone rather than because you have to on their birthday/Christmas.

We like to treat our DS too. I don't like just sticking to 2 days a year (and our DS's 2 days are quite close together). Our DS knows he doesn't get something all the time. He doesn't get anything through a tantrum etc. But now and again, I like to treat him if he has been good or like others have said, we get books as me and DS love books and I see them as educational too. We went into the Disney shop recently and they had loads of toys from Cars which is my DS's favourite. He sat very nicely looking at the toys, then turned around and said he wanted to go now (he is 2.2). No whining or asking. He knows hw doesn't get things all the time. I remember my nan treating me occasionally and I was very grateful.

Your DS sounds like he has a good attitude towards gifts and I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Like someone else said, we don't only get things twice a year so why can't we treat our DCs sometimes.

A child can never have too many books.By all means limit toys but buy books whenever you can.

DD's and DS get toys on their birthdays only and Christmas, books I just buy, I buy them for me and DH so why not for them. DD gets a magazine probably about once a fortnight.

I don't think there is a problem with buying your DS the odd treat. But... could your DH resent it because YOU are always the one buying the treats? I think it could potentially be a problem if your DS learns that all presents come from Mummy and not Daddy.

I would say it's worth discussing it with your DH again, for me a united front on parenting would be much more important than treat/no treat.

I think yanbu @ all and your dh attitude sounds excessive to me.
You have linked it with good behaviour and it doesnt sound like your ds has become spoilt from what you've said, I don't see the problem @ all.

Books aren't a treat, they are as necessary imo as food and shelter (in a developed country anyway).

Any kid who thinks that books only come their way on two days a year is educationally deprived. Keep buying them and don't even think about it. Especially if buying and regifting to/from the charity shop. It's a virtuous circle.

My dc get £5 per week of their GP's, ds1 will either get himself a action figure or save it up for something bigger.

He is only 4 years old and knows the value of money and what each coin is. (thinks note money is paper tho )

If me and dh want to get him something we will also, on good behaviour.

For me personally if I want to get them something then I will, they are only little once, but 9/10 I usually buy craft material so we can make/bake/mould etc.... this week we have been making a exploding volcano which is going down a treat.

Was just wondering if you have a dh that would only ever give you flowers/chocs/gift if it was an anniversary or birthday and not just as a gesture to say 'I love you' or 'I appreciate you'

As others have said it's nice to get a treat from time to time - and I treat myself at the shops to a new eyeshadow/pair of shoes/magazine. As long as that treat does not become expected then I don'tt think you are doing anything wrong.

If your ds had a birthday on Dec 24th would your dh only let him have a present on the 24th and 25th and nothing else for a whole year ?