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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to want a life as well?

21 replies

iamwhoialwayswas · 04/04/2010 10:10

im not am i?
Im a lone parent. i work 20 hours a week. I have a house and a dog to look after too.

This weekend i went to visit a friend a few hours away and had a fab time.

What i get from my mother is that that is not reality and its down to earth with a bump for me and my life is at home with my child and dog.

Now, child was with her father and dog was looked after.

I dont see what the problem is. WHY cant i be both a parent and have fun? I dont see that my life has to stop.

I have been going out and about a lot more recently and im loving it. But all i get is griefe that its not reality. its not the real world apparently.

Im having a few ( understatement) issues with my mother and as usual she has made me doubt myself. i just want to know if i am bu to want a life as well as being a parent.

OP posts:

Kbear · 04/04/2010 10:12

ignore your mother, of course you can have a life... she sounds like she might be jealous that you have a life and she maybe didn't?

ChasingSquirrels · 04/04/2010 10:13

of course you aren't being unreasonable, and you know it.

If you were out on the lash leaving your child home alone, and coming back drunk and etc - then yes.
But your child is with her father, who presumably loves and cares for her.
Your dog is cared for.

YOU are having a well earned bit of you time.

Presumably your mother has no life experience of what you are going through (or does but had not time for herself and so resents you having some).

Original poster

iamwhoialwayswas · 04/04/2010 10:20

i would not be drunk in charge of my child. I am not carting my child all over the place while im having fun.

But on my child free times i like to do things that i want to do. Like this weekend. I went to see an old friend. We drank coctails in her garden all afternoon then went out for a ( really nice meal, Michelin star).

I get home and am not told that is not reality and that i cant expect to do that all the time and i shouldnt try and keep up with that ( noone had asked me to and i never said i was going to!) and that that that was not the real world and how did i expect to combine that with my life.

Personally i dont see the problem. Why cant i go and do nice things? DDs dad, much as i despise him is very good with her. he bakes cakes and paints and makes thigns with her. she is very happy with him. I dont worry at all.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 04/04/2010 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockSteady · 04/04/2010 10:51

YANBU - why shouldn't you get out and see friends when your DD is being looked after?what else are you suppose to do, sit on your own at home?

ChasingSquirrels · 04/04/2010 10:56

I wasn't implying you were drunk with her, hope it didn't come across that way. I was saying what you are.

You know (or should know) that you aren't being unreasonable, but your other issues with your mum are clouding this.

It sounds like it was the reality of your weekend? What wasn't real about it.

Your mum is pissed off, for whatever reason. Don't let it get you down.

teenagecrush · 04/04/2010 11:08

it was the reality of my weekend. I said that to mum. that it was reality as it was real. it happened.
She then actually questioned if i had even been away and was in fact making it all up.

But it is reality and i will do it again.

Chasing- i knew you werent implying that at all. but just wanted to say in case anyone else thought that.

I think mum thinkgs i should be doing things round the house. or something? def not living the high life with my friends. She keep nagging me that i havent brought any seed potatoes yet this year. Actaully im not going to. I think ive decided i dont actually like gardening after all. And after doing it for years i think this year i might just stick to a few herbs and toms and maybe some courgettes but fuck the rest. but i know she is not going to like that.

emsyj · 04/04/2010 11:09

OP, do we in fact have the same mother??? My mum was asking after a close friend of mine (whom my mum also knows quite well as we went to school together, although she lives a long way away now) as she had a baby a few weeks ago. I said, 'oh she sounds really bright, she's doing great'. Mum: 'Isn't she totally exhausted all the time then??' (sounding a bit disappointed that friend is not quite suffering enough). Me: 'Well she's had a few bad nights, but she rests during the afternoon so she's not doing too badly'. Mum: 'But how can she do that????' Me: 'um, well, when the baby is asleep in the afternoon, she goes to sleep too...?' Mum: 'But doesn't she have to clean and cook a meal?' Me: 'Um, no... what do you mean?' Mum: 'Well in my day I had to clean the house and cook the dinner when the baby was asleep' Me: 'More fool you! She's got a husband, he's not totally inept'. Goodness my mother was HORRIFIED at the idea that a married mother of one 3 week old baby would be so extravagant as to SLEEP in the afternoon when she could be peeling spuds for her husband's dinner...
YANBU. I dread to think what my mother's attitude is going to be when my child is a toddler. 'Well in my day, when you had children you just DIDN'T GO OUT'! Errr, yes mother, whatever you say!!!

AmazingBouncingFerret · 04/04/2010 11:12

Your mum sounds very strange, implying that you were making it up?? Could she be jealous?
YADNBU to go out and enjoy your life seperate from your child.
Ignore her and carry on doing what you are doing.

teenagecrush · 04/04/2010 11:20

im bloody going to. God knows what will happen when i tell her im going away with boyfriend next month. Dirty weekend in a five star hotel planned

She will go mental.

Thing is i just dont get it. If i was neglecting dd then fair enough. but as it happens dd is the brightest child, generally well behaved goes to bed easily. i have no problems with her ( bar the occassional strop)

We do lots of things together, lots of exercise, eat healthy home cooked meals. read books sing songs. so you know. i just cant see the problem.

thesecondcoming · 04/04/2010 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabsH · 04/04/2010 11:44

Sorry to hear that your mother is being somewhat interfering, you should do what I do and just let her tell you the way that things should be and then totally ignore her!

It's your life, you sound like you are being a good mum and (although I don't have kids yet) you do have to have a grown-up life occasionally! So long as your DD is happy and well adjusted and you are happy too, then you're doing a good job

OTTMummA · 04/04/2010 15:18

your mothers words reak of jealousy, i would just ignore, ignore, ignore.

posieparker · 04/04/2010 15:31

The perk of being a single parent with an involved EX haas to be a little free time to enjoy yourself without any children!!

Enjoy yourself.

addictedtothefirsttrimester · 04/04/2010 15:34

teenagecrush are you iamwhoiawlwayswas?

mrsboogie · 04/04/2010 15:37

oops

posieparker · 04/04/2010 15:39

You'er already going away with internet man? wow that must have been a good first date!!!

mummee09v · 04/04/2010 19:00

yeah of course you should still have a life!

when i was a single parent i went out in town every week either friday or sat night while ds stayed at my parents or at his dads overnight. i also sang in a band (had to rehearse once a week and gigged once a month or so) and through that met my husband to be who i now have a gorgeous DD with

and even now i am with someone we go out at least once a month either together or seperately. oh and since dd has been born 10 months ago wwe have been away for kid-free weekends 5 times.

it is NECESSARY. so tell your mum to mind her own business its the 21st century!!

Earthstar · 04/04/2010 19:15

just tell your mum you went out for a meal - not that you were in a "michelin star restaurant"

and say you are going away with your boyf, not that you are off to a "5 star hotel"...that might be less controversial with your mum?

JazzieJeff · 04/04/2010 19:23

emsyj: My Mum said exactly the same thing! Haha! Yes of course, because your life ends when you have a baby doesn't it?! God, anyone would think that having kids was the worst thing you could possibly do; in fact I'm shocked babies are still being born these days with the attitudes of some people (mostly my mother and her charming friends, I have to say!).
OP; you crack on and let your hair down; it'll make you better able to go off and be a better mummy for the rest of the week/until your next treat or whatever. We're not all cardigan-knitting cake baking super mums; good on those who are, but the rest of us mere mortals need some time off now and then. Plus, your DC got some quality alone-time with her Dad! Everone's a winner!

foreverastudent · 04/04/2010 19:33

My Mum used to be like that and I have a friend who's Mum is the same. I think it's a generational thing. They were mother-martyrs and expect us to be the same, which is outdated.

Don't tell her you're going out if she just says nasty things.

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