<ggggrrr> f***kING EX-H.

[drloves8]

I HATE HIM, i loath him, i dont know what i ever saw in him.
He has dd2 dd3 and ds2 for holidays (3 kids from him).
I bought dd3 a mobile phone for xmas. it was her main pressie. its 4 months old.
Stupid ex has bought her another mobile, to try and out do my gift and make it rubbish in her eyes. i just asked her if she chose it and she said he had it for her when they arrived.
he does this all the time.
why?
the girls who are 14 and 11 are still awake and have just emailed me via facebook.
im really angry at the fact they are not in bed by now.
what kind of idiot have i let in charge of my kids?.

Well from what you have written, it could be an awful lots worse. An 11 and 14 year old staying up til midnight in the school holidays doesn't sound that terrible to me personally. The phone thing is a bit annoying - but not the end of the world.

Also, not wishing to be rude, but they are his kids too, not "your" kids, so you haven't left him in charge of your kids he is looking after his own kids.

From what you've written.... YABU

My friend does the same thing. Always outdoes her ex hubbys gifts.

Really don't understand the mentality of it at all. - perhaps they really believe you can buy love. Or, more likely, are just being hurtful towards their ex partner.

I sympathise with you but can't suggest anything to make things right, sadly.

I have a similar ex, who has after ignoring DDs (13 and 14) since DD2 was 7 weeks old, only in the past few months decided to see them and in the past month had them to visit and stay. Suddenly he's wonderful in my DDs eyes and it makes me furious.

All I can do is keep my cool (with difficulty!). Look at it this way... your daughter has a new phone, she's happy with it, who cares who paid for it? In fact, better he did than you, then you can spend your money on something else, be that food/bills or another gift for the children. As for being up late, it's Easter, no school tomorrow, so don't stress. You can do the same as a treat next weekend, stay up late and watch a movie with popcorn, play games, have a chat, make plans... then you'll be the wonderful parent.

Don't let him get to you, just make the most out of what the children get out of it and enjoy your free time, I'm damn sure you've earned it.

but its not an isolated thing. every chance he gets he does it.
i consider them my kids , he has then 21 days out of a year. i do everything he does next to nothing for them.

its not fair - he has more disposable income than we do , so he can get them better stuff, (its only stuff i know,) but in the kids eyes that makes him wonderful.

its definatly the hurtful imo.
dd2 has just txt me to come get her.DH has had a few beers and i cant drive , so cant get them until morning .... theu are 60 miles away.
worried , what has he done?.

drloves8 keep calm, I'm sure it's nothing terrible that can't wait till morning.

I know how you're feeling, and it's a horrible feeling that someone who is irresponsible in your eyes has the care of your babies, but they're old enough to fend a little for themselves.

Make that call first thing in the morning and find out from them what has happened.

Text her back and ask what has happened and IF you think it's that bad, pay for the taxi home or call her now if you can't wait.

have txt her. she just wants to come home.... hes been reading her facebook and txt messeges and is giving her grief... he used to do that with me...controlling .

Dr Love, I'm sorry to hear that he was controlling with you. You are obviously upset, but from the small snippet of the situation we have now been told about it does seem to me that you may well feel more anger and hate for him because of how he has been in the past rather than because he is doing terrible things when he is looking after the kids.

If your kids are only 11 and 14 then I can perfectly well see why he would want access to her texts and Facebook messages. That seems quite sensible to me actually, so I would class that as a good responsible parent thing to do. You can't go getting upset and rushing to pick them up every time they are with him and he does something they don't like.

The phone thing is bloody nasty.

the DD had a NEW PHONE at CHRISTMAS, the "father" (or should that be sperm donor giving how little he has them to stay with him) decided to play spiteful one-upmanship on the OP and bought the DD a better one.

stewie is right. My ex-H is similar to this - no interest in him from the point I got pregnant to the point I left (he was 2.5 then). In fact, he wanted me to abort him even though he was planned (long story but ).

Anyway, a few months after I left he started to see him a bit more, and now has him every other weekend. He comes home spoilt, tired and with "stuff". Now we have enough money to buy him what he needs (as opposed to wants, despite ex refusing to pay a penny of maintenance) but ex tries to bribe him, possibly partly out of guilt, mostly because he's an utterly crap father and doesn't know what else to do.

When my LO asks me for stuff that I refuse and he comes up with the, "daddy gets it for me" thing, I say that I understand that, but I'm not Daddy, and I love him SOOOOO much but that doesn't mean I'm able to buy anything he wants. It's a bit of a constant battle but in the end I recognise that he loves me and his stepfather immensely and would prefer to be "home" with us than off with ex, even though he gets excited about going and getting new stuff.

It's so easy to get angry about these things and I totally understand it, but the only way to deal with it is to rise above it (as really hard as that is) and understand that your children will recognise that his more expensive gifts do not mean he loves them more than you. Much as they love stuff, it's what you do with them that counts and it's the fun stuff we do with our little boy that makes him really happy - and that costs nothing!

My deepest sympathies though

YANBU regarding the phone, it is one-upmanship and many separated parents (unfortunately) do this. However you seem to have many issues with him that are left over from your marriage (which is normal).

The problem is it is completely normal for your dd's to adore their father (sometimes even more so when you are separated and they rarely see him). Right now, everytime they see him and he provides a gift - it's a token of his love. When they get older this wont be enough. It's hard for you I completely get that but speaking as a daughter who did that myself as a child. If you make a big deal about it, they will resent you not him.

Don't rush over to get them because he's doing something you or they don't like. Would you like it if they called him and said mummy said I couldn't do something and he came straight over to pick them up? Your dd is 11 (right?) she shouldn't even have a facebook account, so actually he is being very responsible in checking it, you are lucky he hasn't had a go at you for allowing them to set it up - they are too young for it.

"i consider them my kids , he has then 21 days out of a year. i do everything he does next to nothing for them"

He doesnt see them much no, I don't know the details of your arrangements but YABU here. They are not your kids, you didn't have them by yourself, and he is their father. However, I can understand you being upset if he doesn't pull his weight. It's very very shit of him, but unfortunately you will have to put up with it until your dd's are old enough to decide to make / not make contact with him.

I can't stand it when someone says 'they are my children' they are not your children alone and never will be. He is their Father and you don't know what happens in their house. Maybe your DD didn't like the phone you got her and has been asking or hinting to her Dad for a better one... maybe they asked to stay up late after all they are not toddlers and it's the Easter holidays.

It is so negative for children to feel their Mother doesn't want them to like their Father, for their sake you need to deal with your issues with him yourself and not try and force them onto the children. What sort of a message does it send them to say they are 'yours' like they are your property?

SK...I am assuming you don't have an EXH with children together. Neither do I but I fully understand the language of mine, and practically single parents who do nearly all of the hard childcare deserve to use it.

my brother split from SIL 14 years ago when my niece was two. we are in Scotland and he stayed down south and over time contact reduced and reduced to a couple of weeks a year (at most) and the odd phone call every month or so.

when he did visit he lavished her with presents and gadgets and money.

SIL (who is a lovely and very patient person) accomodated his visits whenever possible, never berated his gifts, agreed with dn her dad could/would buy her anything she wanted

dn is 16 now. she worked out all by herself a few years ago that her mum was always there for her, her dads gifts were guilt and he is a man she hardly knows. she appreciates that her mum never put any blockers on her dads contact, the lack of it was all his own decisions. nowadays she still takes the gifts (teenagers!), but tries to minimise any other contact.

my brother can't understand why she wont spend time with him when he visits and now doesnt know how to fix it.

what I'm trying to say is, as frustating as it is for you, kids know when they are getting "guilt" presents and know who is really important in their lives, as long as they are safe with your ex let him work out his own relationship with them, dont stress and they will see through him.

SK - I call my DS's "mine" - I don't bad mouth their father (in front of them), I talk civily to him at all times.

My DS's think that it's just a case that things didn't work out with mum and dad but we're still friends.

Actually - when they can't read it/hear it I want t shout from the rooftops what an absolute fucking tosser my exH is and how he's blatantly not really interested in them/what they do.

Yes - to their face they're not "mine"........but in my heart and my head they are...........until the day he pulls his finger out of his arse and becomes a father to them.

SGM, that is terrible! op, I don't think he is being unreasonable to let them stay up that late, it is the hloidays. Re- the phone, that is just annoying and something you will have to just put up with.

My ex is horrific. He comes across as the most caring man in the world but in reality he is just the opposite. He has dd to stay one night a week to keep up appearances and gives me nothing.

Had a text last night accusing me of spending her birthday money down the pub, clearly slipped his mind that I work my ass off to earn my wages and it would be those I was spending!!!

I'm a bit really, and if I am, it must be a bit confusing for the kids.

Yes, OK, he bought her a new phone - he has lots of money and he wants to spend it on the kids. (You never know, she might have been dropping hints about it for ages, what kid wouldn't want two mobiles? It's OK for you to get her one, but not him?)

They are on FB later than you approve of. So I'm assuming you wouldn't answer their messages. They get caught emailing at stupid o'clock at night - get told off - but now you text back and forth to them about coming home?

Seems to me that your feelings about ex are clouding your parenting judgement and the kids know exactly how to divide and conquer.

They are supposed to be there for the holidays and don't see him very often and I'm not trying to be judgey but what seems to be coming off your post in great waves is that he can't possibly do anything right and you would rather he disappeared.

''Seems to me that your feelings about ex are clouding your parenting judgement and the kids know exactly how to divide and conquer'' Tanga, I completley aggree.

Be happy for your children they are recieving the presents- they are old enough to know that its you who they can rely on.

If you YOUR feelings of resentment spoil your free time then more fool you. If HE wants to play these games- let him- by getting pissed off about it your doing nobody any favours.

Tanga and mrsVidic... i dont think my feelings about the ex-h are clouding my parenting judgement... if they were i would have stoped all contact.
In fact when we split he refused to have the children at all , and relucently agreed to visits , not because he wanted the kids, but because the MIL wanted to see her grandchildren ( she is a loving grandmother btw).
He used to change jobs reguarly to avoid the csa.
He hasnt stuck to the legal agreement over visits and has the children less than he is allowed .
He asks what i buy them for xmas and birthdays under the guise so he doesnt duplicate gifts , then tells them what ive bought.
He gave dd2 £50 last year for her birthday , and took the kids too mcdonalds - then made her pay for it with her birthday money.
All of this i have "let go",(not made a fuss about it).
As far as the kids are concerned i have always told them their father loves them.... even if it isnt really true .
I have spoken too him over the phone on sunday morning , after dd2 decided she didnt want to come home after all. He has admitted that he gave dd3 the phone to be spiteful- because he feels pushed out . WTF?
He moved 60 miles away , not us. Can he really expect sympathy from me ?
Main thing is dd2 is happier today and dd3 and ds2 are fine too.- so im happy ( iykwim?)

I can see that it must be annoying, but why wouldnt you want your kids to view their dad as 'wonderful'?

My ds 16 thinks his dad is an arse hole, he is, but thats not the point. How horrible for a child to have to admit this to themselves. Feeling unloved and rejected is not a nice feeling for anyone, let alone a child.

If you ex, is as bad as you describe (i dont doubt that he is) the kids will make up their own minds, in their own time. There is nothing more harmful than the other parent trying to force the issue.

Problem is i want him to be a wonderful dad - not just look like one for a few days.
I dont grudge my kids love towards him, its what they are entitled to have, i just wish it was reciprocated more.

I know how you feel. I have had to bite my tongue so many times.

My ex has never paid a penny in 12 years and done pretty much the same as your ex. My other ds 13 thinks the sun shines out of his dad's arse. His dad gives him £10 once in a blue moon and you would think he has given him the Earth. I get no recognition from ds for what i do!

Ds needs that £10 as a sign that his dad does care. He doesnt need the same reassurance from me, he knows that i love him.

Unfortunately you cant make someone, something that they are not. Its about making the best of a bad situation.