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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take my children to stay elsewhere when dh wants to go out and get drunk ?

23 replies

Nastydrunkhusband · 03/04/2010 06:57

dh is a great father and husband

He turns into a nasty verbally abusive pig when he is drunk.

It is his friends birthday today and he wants to go to the pub at 4pm with him. I know he will get drunk and he is saying he will be home 9pm ish as they dont want to stay in the pub for the 'evening crowd'

I asked him if he could stay at his friends so he did not have to come home drunk but he took offence to this as he said ' I have my own home why would I want to stay out'

Last night he got quite drunk at home and came up to bed and was really nasty with me - the usual story of drunk ramblings swinging from self pity 'you dont love me like I love you' to calling me a filthy pig.

I am not happy as this has not happened for a long long time (I actually left him 18 months ago as I did not want to put up with it and dc are getting older so I NEVER NEVER want them to see it or be subjected to it)

I am going to tell him that if he wants to go out later that is fine but dc and I will go to stay at my mums (she is on holiday for a month)and he can get as drunk as he likes.

dh tells me I am trying to conrol him and not let him out but I have told him till I am blue in the face I dont object to him going out / drinking etc it is the ABUSE I dont like

Please remind me I am doing the right thing as I dont want this abuse to creep back into my life and any other strategies / points of view most welcome

OP posts:

cluckyduck · 03/04/2010 07:13

If he's abusive at ANY TIME then he isn't a great husband or dad, sorry. You should be thinking of how to leave him long term.

Hopefully someone with some helpful advice will be along soon, or re-post in Relationships, the ladies there are great with this stuff.

Good luck

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 03/04/2010 07:26

You have the right to live in your own home without being subject to abuse. If the person you live with, cannot control his behaviour enough to mean this happens, you have the right to ask them to leave or leave yourself.

I'd suggest you point this out to him and say he's a temporary situation but there's nothing to stop it being permanent

Don't accept it. It's a slippery slope. He should be on it ...not you

EricNorthmansmistress · 03/04/2010 08:26

YANBU
but it should be him that stays elsewhere not you. If you take the DCs away he will think that he can do this whenever he fancies and you will just take the DCs away for him. That's not a good message - 'yes sweetie, we're staying at grannies tonight, no daddy's not coming, he's having fun with his friends.....again'

I feel for you, I don't know what the long term solution is, but in the short term state very clearly that if DH chooses to go drinking he must stay elsewhere.

Bremusa · 03/04/2010 09:11

I have been in exactly the same position as you, DP nice decent easy-going person until he'd have a few drinks too many and turn into a complete arse. Victoria is right, so he needs to control his drinking or stop, end of. You have to be firm and mean it. What's more important, his family or his drink?

When he's sober tell him how you feel and what you want to happen and the consequences of his choices.

I did this and had to kick my DP out years ago and I only agreed to get back together on the condition that he stopped drinking because he couldn't control how much he drank once he started. It worked for me because DP didn't want to lose his family. You have to mean it though and not give empty threats.

You shouldn't have to feel like this.

bruxeur · 03/04/2010 09:21

Hmm.

In vino veritas, much?

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 03/04/2010 09:47

Does he not believe you when you describe what he's like?

If that's the case then get a dictaphone and when he comes in, drunk, quietly press record. Don't tell him you have it or you are doing it. Just let it record.

The next day, sit him down and play it for him.

However, I should tell you that drink doesn't change a personality. It removes inhibitions. Someone would not do when drunk, something that they were totally incapable of doing or wanting to do, sober. Being drunk removes the fear of consequences that exists in the sober person. So if this man calls you names when drunk, it is in him to call you names and to think of you in the ways he describes.

bruxeur · 03/04/2010 09:49

My version was pithier.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2010 09:51

Your H is abusive, sorry. He thinks that he is the imortant one in the family and that you and the DC are in second place, that you should just accept whatever he does because he is The Man Of The House. A reasonable bloke who normally became a knob when drunk would at least say 'OK darling I will stay at Fred's house tonight'. This man basically doesn't care about your feelings, to him you are a domestic appliance with tits.

Broodymomma · 03/04/2010 09:51

I agree with the abive idea - he needs to know how badly his actions affect you and just what he is like when drunk. Sounds just awful and no yanbu.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 03/04/2010 09:54

it was indeed, bruxeur.

In wine - truth. yes?

bruxeur · 03/04/2010 09:57

Spottus onus.

Original poster

Nastydrunkhusband · 03/04/2010 11:12

thanks

I have told him very clearly that I will not tolerate it and he was quite shocked when I said I wish he had hit me years ago so the decision to leave would have been clear cut.

He is still saying I am being a drama queen and am reacting to someting that might not happen (sometimes he is ok when drunk)
I am just tired of it all.
I will stay at my mums tonight as a bit of space will do me the world of good tbh and I wont have to worry about what mood he will be in.

I just really dont know which way to go long term as today, as usual, we are playing the part of a normal family - he is even off to B+Q in a minute

OP posts:

EricNorthmansmistress · 03/04/2010 11:22

These men who are ok some of the time and utter cunts the rest when drunk just don't understand how they condition you to expect the awful behaviour. So the fact that they might not behave like a cunt is irrelevant, you are conditioned to expect it. I know the feeling of dread when they leave and eggshells when they come back. The fact that sometimes they are fine doesn't stop you from feeling that way.

My DH used to drink way too much when he went out. He wasn't abusive just unacceptably drunk (no sense of personal safety, throwing up drunk) and he did that about once every month or two months. In between he could go out and not be that drunk, but I still expected it.

After a party he went to with my DBro when he embarrassed himself and Bro, woke me and co-sleeping DS up, kept me awake and had a hangiover next day at my parents' house, he has not done that since. I'm not saying he doesn't drink but he stops himself before getting too drunk.

It took me about a year of no incidents to start believing he had actually changed properly. If he does have another incident it will probably send us back to square one.

The difference now is that if he wants to have a big night (not very often to be fair) he arranges to stay with a friend so I don't have to see him until the next day. Suits me fine, I don't worry about him, have to sleep next to a smelly drunk man, or deal with him in the morning. I'm not saying this would be acceptable on a regular basis, but I'm talking every 2 or three months.

SwissCheeseIsHolyCheesus · 03/04/2010 11:26

Ah, sounds familiar.

My dp ends like a complete arse when drunk ( think irritating prat ) therefore he stays at his mates when he goes out.

He can get has drunk as he likes and I don't have to put up with it.

Have to add tho, on the one occasion he did try to get in, he ended up sleeping in the outhouse, I found him the next day, wrapped in towels from the washing line ( I always lock the door from the inside and turn the key up. )
The situation you are describing is abusive, make him do something about it or leave.

shakingmyfattybumbum · 03/04/2010 11:33

He is vile for speaking to you like this. My ex was like that (once drank a bottle of vodke and kicked a window over me). I told him to quit drinking or leave. He stopped drinking and became a dope fiend (non stop spliffs) instead. Last I heard he was addicted to COFFEE (shakes etc and had to take coffee to bed with him to drink during the night). I meanwhile have moved on and am married to someone who is nice. (You do realise what I'm saying here hopefully).

Bucharest · 03/04/2010 11:35

"dh is a great father and husband

He turns into a nasty verbally abusive pig when he is drunk."

Er, if the last sentence is true, then the first one isn't.

Dp goes out on the lash on a Friday, and walks round all day Saturday holding his head and whinging. Dd has no idea Daddy has the mother of all hangovers, because he never once lets his night on the town affect either his parenting or his partnering. (in fact, him and his hangover are currently scouring the town for the one Easter Egg dd wants and which is not to be found anywhere)

You need a good look at your relationship.

Xenia · 03/04/2010 12:23

Record him and put it up on youtube so he can see what he's like when drunk and show us all the link.

2rebecca · 03/04/2010 12:26

I couldn't live with a bloke like this.

GeekOfTheWeek · 03/04/2010 12:30

What SGB said.

If he behaves like that he isn't a good husband.

Had an ex like this. Utter prick.

booyhoobunny · 03/04/2010 12:33

you wish he had hit you years ago????

why the hell are you with him? you are obviously just there because you cant find a justifiable (in your/his opinion) reason to leave.

seriously, read through what you posted above.

if i was with someone who i hoped had hit me just so i could leave then my friends and family would be at their wits' end trying to get me out of such a relationship.

show your children what a strong woman really is and remove the priviledge of your love from this 'man'.

LivedinLooks · 03/04/2010 12:43

My father was a lovely man when sober but turned into an evil violent monster when he had too much to drink.

He would always apologise the next day and beg for forgiveness. He never changed and my whole memory of childhood is marred by the uncertainty of waiting to see whether he would come home in a good mood or not. Not to mention the witnessing of domestic violence.

I'm not saying your husband treats you as bad but you must not expose your children to any form of abuse. Children become very frightened at even subtle changes in somebodys personality.

I hope you have the strength to stand up to him.

Bucharest · 04/04/2010 10:13

Is everything OK today?

ChippingIn · 04/04/2010 14:15

How did he deal with the situation when you left him 18 months ago? Did he want you back or did you want him back?

If it was him wanting you back and promising you the earth - ask him what has changed that he is willing to risk your relationship again?

If it was you wanting him back, explain to him that if you leave again, he will not be getting another chance...

I would tell him he has two choices - to stop drinking heavily or to leave. End of.

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