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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want someone else to take my 18mo swimming?

48 replies

cat811 · 02/04/2010 17:23

Not sure if I'm being very pfb, but I don't like the idea of someone else taking him - even thought it'd be mil, and not some stranger.
I just feel a bit concerned about safety - obviously he's generally fine with her and I don't usually worry, but swimming feels a bit different when he's so young.
Dh disagrees and says it's fine and I'm paranoid - so thought I'd see what people generally think (so I can hopefully prove him wrong...unless I'm BU!)
Thanks!

OP posts:

seeker · 02/04/2010 22:52

When did a child last drown in a toddler pool?

And when people here are talking "older people", exactly how old are we thinking about?

caughtinafog · 02/04/2010 23:49

my dd (age 3) climbed out of the pool, took her arms bands & rubber ring off, walked down the steps & immediately sank to the bottom of the pool. It took seconds. Fortunately Dh saw her go under & pulled her out.

I think YANBU. Can she do something else with him ?

Condensedmilkaddict · 03/04/2010 00:54

YANBU

If you are uncomfortable with it, that is enough.

I watched once as my MIL walked off with my 2 older children and left 2 year old DD at the beachfront .

Yes, she raised 3 children of her own - but not mine.

MadamDeathstare · 03/04/2010 01:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cat64 · 03/04/2010 01:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

coralanne · 03/04/2010 04:01

I have been taking DGD swimming since she was 12 months old.

DD has taken her to swimming lessons from 6 months.

Last Sunday DGD phoned and asked if I could take her swimming.

So off we went.

We play lots of games in the water. We take "noodles" with us and she dives through them.

Then she gets her flippers, goggles and hat on. (Looks like a litle fly).

She then climbs on my back, her head facing the sky, brings her arms over her head and hangs onto the straps of my swimmers.

Then I breaststroke the length of the pool while she sings and then says "swim Grandma swim."

I understand mums' being worried when children are left with MIL or DM because what you don't realise is that we don't feel any older or different to you.

DH and I were very young when we married and MIL was only 38 and when I look at photos of her at that age she looked so terribly, terribly young.

At the time I just thought of her as DH's mother not someone still relatively young with her own needs and wants.

Of course none of the above applies if MIL has health problems.

I feel I can take two safely to the pool 7 and 5 but if I take the 2 year old as well I always get DS and his DP to come with me.

BooKangerooWonders · 03/04/2010 04:50

yabu - I'd gladly pay someone (mil, anyone!) to take my toddler swimming! But then it is my dc number 3! Maybe you could sign your pfb up for regular swimming lessons and that could be mil's special time with your dc?

thumbchick · 03/04/2010 05:25

I'm a bit on both sides here for several reasons.
We started DS swimming very young, doing the baby swimming; both of us went as it was at a time that was outside DH's work hours, however, I usually went in the pool with him. Initially we were going to take it in turns but DH was a lot rougher with DS and a lot less careful (DS was only about 6mo when we started), treating him as though he were a toddler rather than a baby. So in the end, he left it up to me because DS would cry with DH and not with me.
Now he is older, I am happy for DH to take him swimming on his own as DS is now a toddler. But requires constant vigilance - he has stepped off the side of the pool into the deep end before because he wasn't watching where he was going.

MILs - yes, they have raised DC of their own but it has become apparent to me that MY mil has forgotten what it's like to have a very young child to take care of - because the last time she was looking after DC they were bloody teenagers! So DS has had a few accidents because MIL doesn't watch him like a hawk (she's getting more used to it again now) - and tbh, when they're that age they need watching like a hawk, especially around water.

Here in Australia there are several cases a year of children drowning - read this and nearly always in a controlled environment. It takes much less time for a child to drown than an adult.

Soooo - if you are happy that your MIL will watch your PFB like the proverbial hawk, then let her take him swimming - if you are not sure, then don't.

seeker · 03/04/2010 06:15

It is entirely possible - even likely- that the mil in question is in her early 50s!

traceybath · 03/04/2010 06:44

As long as you trust her and she's fit and sensible - I'd let her.

But then I loathe swimming and would be so grateful for someone else taking one of my dc's.

Sakura · 03/04/2010 08:00

Iknew this'd be a MIL thread. YANBU!!!
ITs your bloody baby and you should be respected. It doesn't matter whether other people think you are being precious or unreasonable. In fact if someone gives you the impression that you are being over-protective or whatever then they clearly don't respect you as a mother. Yes, some mothers are over-anxious. So what? In time they'll find their way and when they have their second baby they'll be more relaxed.
Don't be pressured into things you don't feel comfortable with to please other people.
There's no point some people saying "I would hhave loved someone to take my child off my hands". SO what? A lot of women don't want their baby to be taken off their hands. And even if they did they are perfectly reasonable to not want their baby to go swimming with someone else for the obvious safety issues involved. How can a mother relax and have a coffe if she's worried about her child?
When I put my foot down about my MIL'S demands on my child I became a much more relaxed mother. FAir play my MIL respected my wishes and our relationship is still intact.

Condensedmilkaddict · 03/04/2010 08:01

Seeker - I have noticed that you pop up regularly in defence of MIL's. Not being aggressive, I genuinely would like to know - do you have a fabulous MIL or are you a MIL? I'm just curious.

I believe you should always trust your gut instinct. If you feel uncomfortable OP, best to go with your gut feeling, rather than be kicking yourself.

lynniep · 03/04/2010 08:11

as everyone else has said. instinct. i think my mil is great but i wouldnt trust her with an 18 mo in a pool. She doesnt pay the level of attention required to safely care for a toddler. theres also the changing room situation to consider. Wriggly toddlers are hard work. Yes she's had kids, but that was 35 years ago. I've forgotten what its like with a rampant 18month old and that was 18 months ago!
My step mum Id be happy with as she does reaslise the houdini tendencies and general slipperiness of teenies. She's also pretty agile. Although not a good swimmer. But then she'd stay in the shallow end!

ChocHobNob · 03/04/2010 08:14

Perhaps MIL assumed that you would have no problem with her taking your son swimming because you trust her to care for him alone normally and she thinks of going swimming as another task such as taking him to the park. (I assume from your post she does have him alone occasionally)

The decision is ultimately down to you but surely a child has just as much chance of getting hurt in the home, in the car, out on the streets with a grandparent than they do in a swimming pool.

I would trust my Mother to take mine swimming.

seeker · 03/04/2010 08:19

No I'm not a MIL, and mine is a normal, human fallible woman who gets some things spectacularly wrong and some things spectacularly right.

I just hate the prevailing attitude that a MIL is always wrong, and is fair game. They either want to see too much of their grandchildren or not enough, are too strict or too lax, too loving or too distant. If they try to help, they are interfering - if they don't they are expecting to be waited on. They are expected to follow their dil's lead in everything. They are controlling if they want to maintain a relationship with their son. They are expected to make appointments to see their own grandchildren - but are expected to babysit at a moment's notice. And so it goes on.

There are hideous, toxic, disfunctional people in the world. But the % of such people among MILs is exactly the same as in the population at large. If you are unlucky enough to have one as a MIL, then do everything in your power to protect yourself and yours from her. But giving your child a fruit shoot, keeping her up an hour past bedtime or clipping off a cm of tangled hair does NOT put her into that category!

RunawayWife · 03/04/2010 08:26

YABU unless your MIL is a raving loon /drunk /cant swim.
As for his your baby and you can refuse, well his your DHs baby as well and he can say yes

Rockbird · 03/04/2010 08:31

MIL wanted to take DD swimming when she was about 20 months and my reaction was no way, she'll drown or something! Then I remembered MIL is probably fitter than me, a better swimmer than me, has more patience than me... DD is probably more likely to drown when I take her

And specialmagiclady is right. Taking children swimming is a monumental pain in the arse.

traceybath · 03/04/2010 08:58

Applauds Seeker.

And no I'm not a mil but I do have 2 ds's so am probably going to be one in the future.

Firawla · 03/04/2010 14:32

its your choice, if you dont want her to take her swimming thats the final decision and mil has to accept it.
no way would i let my mil take mine swimming (or really take them anywhere tbh, just not comfy with her as she always tries to undermine and ds doesnt seem happy with her) but my mum did take ds swimming @ about 19 months(i watched tho in spectator area)
just because your happy for mum to do something doesnt auto mean it should be same for mil. they dont have to be treated "equally" if they dont behave in the same way. but bottom line is if the mum is not comfy, it does not need to happen whatever the issue is. if mil pressurises on this then she is BU big time

mrsboogie · 03/04/2010 14:43

coralanne you sound like the bestest gran ever!

ChippingIn · 03/04/2010 15:11

YABU - if you trust her to look after him, then you should trust her completely - if you don't trust her completely, you shouldn't be leaving him alone with her. If you trust her enough to leave him with her, then you should let her get on with doing what she wants to do with him and not feeling like she has to ask about every little activity/place she takes him.

coralanne · 04/04/2010 09:56

Thanks mrsboogie.

Most of my friends hate me because I have grandchildren and they don't.

There's nothing better than hunting for tadpoles at the local wetlands.

(The same ones I used to take my DD and DS to)

One of the ladies at my sewing group commented last week that I seem to get "stuck" with my DGC an aweful lot.

I thought of all the comments on MN about MILs and started to feel sorry for her DIL even though they don't have any DC yet.

My DGC are equally close to their paternal grandparents as well.

bellamysbride · 04/04/2010 10:14

I agree with ChippingIn. YABU. I don't see why it is cheeky of her to assume she can take him swimming, or does she have to have your approval for all activities? Lucky DS to have a proactive, enthusiastic, confident GM. However if you really don't like the idea, then go with emsy's suggestion rather than just saying no point blank.

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