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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my mum she shouldn't call upon my brother to ditch his family and come and look after her over Easter?

10 replies

Spidermama · 01/04/2010 20:11

To be fair she has pneumonia so and has had a temperature for about three weeks. I've been telling her for the past two weeks it sounds to me like she has pneumonia (I had it a about four years ago.) They've finally given her an x-ray and told her this.

Now here's the thing. She has chosen to live hundreds of miles away from all her children but still calls on us all the time.

She called me earlier today to complain at how pissed off she was with her cousin for trying to help. She said, 'How dare [her cousin] interfere like this. She's trying to come and help out and I don't want her.'

The thing is she gets on well with her cousin normally. Her cousin is a single woman, like her, who lives just 40 miles or so away. She ought to be fostering these links as she needs a support network. She always alienates people around her and then me, my sister and my brother have to be on call despite having young families of our own with whom she never helps out btw.

However, my mum has decided that my brother has to travel the 300 miles, leaving his wife, 3 year old dd and 6 month old son, alone over easter. (SIL is from South America and relatively newly arrived here so has very few friends and was probably looking forward to BIL having some time off to spend with the family.

I'm torn between guilt at feeling irritated with her when she's so ill, and unbridled irritation with her selfishness.

OP posts:
FairyCakeBump · 01/04/2010 20:14

YANBU and also YABU. YABU because it's up to your mum where she chooses to live. That shouldn't enter into it.

YANBU because, hey, she's got someone down there who is offering to help and she's rejecting it in favour of dragging your brother down.

How does your brother feel about it though? Do you know for certain that he doesn't want to go? Maybe he's happy to.

Spidermama · 01/04/2010 20:17

Fairycake he's a mummy's boy. He hasn't cottoned on to her selfishness and the need to preserve his own family life and protect it from her excesses in the way I have.

His wife has certainly noticed though. It makes me worry for their future. SIL gets stressed about this but DB still puts his mum first. SIL is lovely too and very accomodating to my mum considering.

OP posts:
JaneS · 01/04/2010 20:22

Spidermama, frankly it sounds as if you're adding another stress to the mix for your brother! If he hasn't 'cottoned on', as you put it, and his wife has, isn't it between them/your mother? Why do you come into this?

groundhogs · 01/04/2010 20:25

Hmm, me thinks you have to let this one go for now, give him enough rope and all that....

BUT, then I'd be sitting him down and giving him some tough sister love and telling him how it is. that if he runs off at every slight whim of his mothers that he'll come home to an empty house....

Tell him she is rejecting perfectly reasonable help and guilting him into running around after her.

Ooh, if she is from South America... depending on which one of the fiery latin countries, she will give him merry HELL over that one...

If you get on with her, call her and see she's alright, offer her your support and make sure she is OK. As you say she is alone in a foreign land with a 6mo.... been there, done that, it's hell on wheels.

I speak fluent brazilian portuguese and passable shite spanish if you need any help communicating btw....

groundhogs · 01/04/2010 20:26

Ooh, an easter emoticon? don't mind if i doo...

groundhogs · 01/04/2010 20:26

No [ebiscuit] Tech?????

skidoodly · 01/04/2010 20:35

YANBU on any score.

It is perfectly reasonable to comment on where she chooses to live. This mad shite today's rising OAPs are into, of moving miles away from their family when they are soon going to need their care, is selfish in the extreme. It puts massive burdens on their children and often their unwilling neighbours.

It's also reasonable to talk to your brother about putting his mother before his wife and family. That's what sisters do - boss their brothers around and tell them when they are being impossibly thick

Your should accept help from her cousin if that is available, rather than ask her son to abandon his wife and child over Easter. Of course he should help her when she is ill but it is not fair of her to be deciding the terms of that help while refusing other help when it is offered.

Even if he is to travel to look after her, why must the rest of his family stay behind?

Spidermama · 01/04/2010 20:42

Groundhogs she's Brazillian and if she's reading (I know she's an occasional MNer) HELLO!

I will have a quiet word in his ear at a later date.

Skids thanks for your post. You obviously get this because you agree with me.

I've discovered it can be really hard to critisise your own mum. Bit of a sacred cow and all that.

OP posts:
groundhogs · 08/04/2010 19:16

Oi Cunhada da Spidermama... Tudo Bem? QQ coisa, estamos aqui, ta? We got your back!

RunawayWife · 08/04/2010 19:20

Did he go?

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