to ask dh to take time off work to look after sick dd who is ill?

[Quicksilver]

My 2 yr old dd is unwell. Nothing serious but she is very unhappy with a temperature and a runny nose.

Dh and I both work full time. I have taken time off today to look after dd, and I don't think she will be well enough tomorrow for her childminder.
I have asked dh to come back from work early (he is working away this week) so I can go to work tomorrow. I teach and need to give my Y11 their work over Easter.

Basically dh has said 'no' as he deems his job more important than mine. I am very cheesed off about this.

I don't think IABU. Do you?

oops, title should have read 'dd who is ill'.
She is not normally labelled 'sick'

Is that why he isn't coming back? Did he say that?

When our DS had chicken pox, DH took most of the time off - well, worked from home - because he can. I'm also a teacher, and DH knows there's no flexibility. But if he were working away it would be because he was on a project, and in that case I would take the time off, because his projects are less flexible even than teaching.

But every sympathy with the dreadful timing.

YANBU, unless you hb is a heart surgeon and holds the power of life and death in his hands.

I take it no other family members can help out in a pinch. Are there any days better for dh? Otherwise he just needs to step up to the mark, part and parcel of being a parent and hb.

No advice, But YANBU. I would expect my dh to take his turn if both parties work full time.
What is his job that he deems it far more important than yours? Trying to get the next generation through their GCSEs.. very important. Unless he is a doctor/emergency services/ a matter of life or death, I would say your job probably tops his.

well it depends really...

if your DH is working away there is obviously a reason he needs to do this and maybe if your DD has a runny nose and temp, he might feel that it would be a wasted work trip to have to cut it short. i would maybe put her in the CM in the morning and ask her to call you at work if DD is too ill to stay all day. TBH a runny nose and being a bit miserable wouldnt stop me from putting my DD in the CMs simply because she most likely will have caught this from the other mindees (she got hand,foot and mouth from being licked by an infected child there) and i would rather my dependents leave from work be used for when my DD actually is far too ill to leave the house (chicken pox or suchlike)

it is up to you what you do obv and no YANBU to be annoyed that your DH appears to think his job is more important as it definitely isnt! but maybe he is not actually able to get home due to restrictions from work (my DH works away often and definitely would say no to being asked to come home early)

TheFallenMadonna - no he didn't say in those words that he thought his job was more important, but it was the way he wouldn't even consider or discuss coming back that irritated me.
What would happen if I just flatly refused? Obviously that would never happen and he knows this.

What is he doing while working away? For me, that's the crux. DH can do a lot of his job at home. He doesn't, 'cos he needs the discipline of the office, but he can at a push. So he is the first port of call. But when he is working away it is because he is doing a study or something that has been months in the planning and very time-dependent. I can't imagine how ill he would have to be to miss it on his own account. He has been off on a trip the day after being discharged from hospital for example. If ypur DH is just doing the same old same old and you need to be sorting out your year 11s, then he is being unreasonable.

I understood taking a day off from teaching was no easy thing.

Either way, bottom line, is that if you both have proper jobs then yes, you have to be equal and you have to share.

DH had an assumption for a while that it was easier for me to get out of work than for him. I've stuck to my guns and he's fairly even about it now. Took several years though.

If you feel like that, don't ask him, tell him.

I am a student with disgustingly flexible hours, but if DP wants me to stay in all day, he still has to ask me properly or I will be busy.

How about, 'tomorrow, I am busy. I took time off yesterday, so I can't again. You can look after DD yourself, or you can arrange a childminder. I myself am busy, must prepare for tomorrow'. And then you ignore all calls until after 5 pm.

Can you have a separate discussion with your dh about this when your dd is better?

Sounds like it is something that he takes for granted that you will take your time off work should your daughter be ill, and that he won't have to.

Longer you let it go on for, the more ingrained his assumption is going to get.

If he has got something at work that he thinks is important then it is very easy to assume that whatever your partner does is not as important (regardless of whether it is or not) because it makes it much easier for him not to have to figure out childcare.

So you need to point out that next time your dd is poorly (here's hoping that it is not for a long time!) that it will be his turn to stay at home - or if it is in the holidays when you are around anyway, then that means he really really has to step up to the mark and do the looking after when you are at work. Doesn't matter if he has got something really important, so have you.

I am guessing you will know if he has got something really really important on (like surgery or scoop of a lifetime interview or the like) and when to give leaway. But sounds like your dh doesn't - and isn't prepared to even consider it.

Do you think also, on a slightly idfferent note, he is worried about looking after your dd when she is poorly?

YANBU at all. I would be very cross at a blanket refusal to come home. You've taken a day, so can he. And as the daughter of teachers I know just how hard it is to take a day off from teaching (or more accurately, how hard it is to catch up the next day) and the knock on effects from one day can be big, as you've shown re; the easter work needing to be given tomorrow.

Your husband is taking it for granted that you will be the one to shoulder the stress of these occasions at the moment and yes I think you need to have a serious chat about it and make clear that he takes equal responsibility for stepping in at these times.

I am also a teacher and on the rare occasions this has happen, I have taken DS (2.6) into school with me. The school haven't minded as the other alternative was for me not to be there at all.

Also if you're only worried about your Yr 11's, in my experience, they are BRILLIANT with little ones, so go in for your yr 11 classes and get cover for the rest.

It is the end of term after all (hence still up at this time!).

By the way your DH is BU!

I would not be allowed to do that...

Thanks for all your advice.

mummychicken there is no way I would bring dd into work. I can't even imagine the chaos that would ensue!
I have finished early after seeing my y11.

Dh has not relented.

His job is not life and death, he works in construction and seems to feel the whole site would have to shut down and vast amounts of money would be lost if he is not there.

Nevermind, the plus side is I get to spend lots of time spoiling dd!