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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider this?

23 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/03/2010 19:48

I really want honest opinions. I better than anyone know what went on in the past but still....

Now many of you know the problems i have with ds1 and how it gets me down. In the last week his father has been texting me and me replying. We have come to an agreement that I cancel the CSA case and he pays money into DS1;s bank, and if he needs shoes/uniform he will help with it.
Well during the texts he has said he wants to see DS1, and I have now decided to sort something out because DS1 is really wearing me down. everyday he is rude to me, threatening, ignorant etc, he is aggressive towards DS2 and has now started being even harder to deal with.

Am i wrong for arranging a visit even though DS1 says he doesn't want to go but when he hasn't got the chance he wants to go.

I registered with a new Dr yesterday and they have told me I have to calm down as my blood pressure is up. I seriously need a break/magic wand

OP posts:

TheArmadillo · 31/03/2010 20:17

IS ds1 father agressive or just general arse?

If he fails your ds1 by only seeing him once or repeatedly letting him down is it likely to make your ds1 behaviour worse - will you be able to cope with it if it does?

thatsnotmymonkey · 31/03/2010 20:23

Um...I don't know your back story and have not been on your old threads which you alude to.
However if there are such issues surrounding your DS and your XP, perhaps it would be wise to take some advice from Gingerbread? They have been a real life line for my friend who is a single parent with XP issues.

Have you got someone at your DS school that can support you, like a PSA?

It really sounds like you need some impartial support and advice from people who are able and relevant. Does that make sense?

What do you think?

Hassled · 31/03/2010 20:28

If DS1 has issues with his father, then creating some "you have to see him, there's no choice in the matter" scenario will just make his attitude worse. I'm assuming that the father isn't abusive or anything. So talk to DS1 along the lines of building up a relationship, getting to know his Dad, just an hour or so and see how it goes - do it gently and gradually. But yes, you deserve a break and it could do you both some good.

The whole money straight in DS1's bank bothers me though - what if DS1 refuses to spend it on shoes. What if, when he's 16, he'd rather spend it on cider or whatever? You're giving up any sort of control re how the money gets used. Are you sure that's wise?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/03/2010 20:39

Armadillo he was agressive to me, but towards DS1 he has been an arse more than anything. His behaviour is atrocious tbh and he has been diagnosed with ODD - oppositional defiance disorder. I would need his father to follow my rules to a T for me to let him stay there iyswim?

TNMM back history in brief is we split when ds1 was 22m, he has had very little to do with him since then. before xmas his g'f was trying to help sort out visiting with me for DS1 and his father. But it went tits up. This time ex and I have been speaking via text.

Hassled ex thinks it is DS1's bank account but it is actually my savings account so he would not be able to access it without asking me as I have the card me no that silly lol

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 31/03/2010 20:47

no,TLE,this isnt going to work!!

think you know that though.....

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/03/2010 20:50

TBB see you are what I needed someone to ground me after i got caught up with the joy of a day of peace without his hassle and screaming etc.

I just wish it were really an option that would work!

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 31/03/2010 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GypsyMoth · 31/03/2010 20:54

i know how you feel,truly i do!! i have 4 dc with the ex h,he's not allowed access,court ruled. so i have no choice either.....no break.....its horrible!

the money thing could tail off,or be used to control you....

ds wont take kindly to all this will he? its just not going to work long term

these men dont know how to play fair

thatsnotmymonkey · 31/03/2010 21:10

The motivation for contact doesnt seem to be grounded in what will be best for your DS and you long term. Sounds like although there is text contact now, is it something taht your XP will follow through on and be on the sma epage as you in terms of what your DS needs in terms of boundries? If there is hesitation then please pause.

Have you made contact with a PSA and other services that could help you out with your DS and the relationship with you?

I work for a LA in Education Development Services and I know that there are some external services that you can access. How old is your DS?

It sounds like you are having a really rough time, and I really hope things improve for you.

GypsyMoth · 31/03/2010 21:16

i find it tough now hat the court order states no contact.....he pays csa,all well and good....yes,i get £5 a week to share between 4 dc....but what about actual physical support?? nobody offers that. i'm left on my own to bring them up. no break,nothing. no point in getting money to support them if its a constant struggle to cope.....government could perhaps assist with this i wonder???

i don't want csa money....i want another parent/adult/ to hand them over to for a break!!

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/03/2010 21:48

sorry for delay in replying my connection keeps cutting out.

SGM we are waiting for camhs atm so shouldn't be too long now!!!

TBB that the thing DS1 says he wants to see his father then says no then yes and so on!

TNMM DS1 is 11 1/2. what is a psa? sorry am exhausted!
I do need him to be on the same page and thats what concerns me....

OP posts:

thatsnotmymonkey · 31/03/2010 21:55

Parent Support Advisor, there is usually one linked to each school if not one working in the school directly. I think this person is worth talking to regarding extra help activities for your DS, things he can do independantly of you that will give you a break. Does your DS have access to a youth worker? Does he go to any clubs? A PSA is a good starting point.

Would your XP be able to make an agreement with you? Would mediation help? Childrens Centres ususlly have a lone parent drop in, and again they would be able to offer you some support and guidnace.

elmofan · 31/03/2010 22:01

TLE - what i would be concerned about most is , will your ex keep up his side of the bargain ? & the chances are that he will see ds once then ignore him again which in the long run will cause your ds more upset ,

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/03/2010 22:11

Elmo - you are all so right, I guess I am just clutching at straws at doing what is best/what everyone wants. Iywim?

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 01/04/2010 06:32

TLE - come on - you know that arsewipe your Ex will not be in the same book as you, let alone on the same page. Don't do this, it might look like the easy option for a break from DS1, but you know it will just make things worse!!

~Find out about the PSA at your scool, clubs, other support networks....

Hugs - I wish life wasn't so bloody hard for you.

titch7069 · 01/04/2010 07:03

If you cancel the CSA case and then he doesn't keep his word regarding payments then what happens? In other words, you reject their help now, he stops paying (if he even starts)who do you turn to then? Better to continue the official route, tough if he doesn't like it, the whole reason he (probably) wants it cancelled is so that he isn't forced by law to contribute. Don't you lose out on any/some benefits you 'might' get if you don't go the CSA route? Especially if the process is started and then stopped due to private arrangements.

You say that ds has been diagnosed, is he statemented? If so you may be able to get some kind of respite care, worth finding out.

seeker · 01/04/2010 07:06

Please don't cancet CSA case - you will be giving your exp all the financial power and control.

You say that your ds doesn't have access to the money but what happens when his father tells him that he is paying money direct into ds's bank account and ds comes to you and days "Where's the money Dad's giving me - I want it now?"

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/04/2010 07:15

Well, and, I'd be concerned that the first time your son acts up around his Dad, says he doesn't want to go for a visit, talks back, etc., your ex is going to pull the "no money for you then" trick and cut him off.

No, keep the CSA involved.

Sorry, remind me how old your son is?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 01/04/2010 08:16

Tortoise he is 11 1/2

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 01/04/2010 09:57

The thing that got me to the point of considering this is..

I have had to buy him new school shoes and trainers as he has skipped 2 sizes in 5 weeks now we are not made of money and I am also as practical as possible. So i bought him a pair of black slip on shoes and a pair of black trainers - gola. he is now in adult shoe sizes and therefore they cost more as we all know. This has now caused a week of him being so fucking nasty and mean to me. Telling me I am a failure as a mother, i should have both of them put in care etc and I am so upset by it all.

He has also in recent months begun playing with knives, cutting kitchen tools, carving into the walls, pointing one at DS2.
He is constantly yelling at me and telling me he wants to live with his father/nan/aunt/uncle/worm at the bottom of the garden (ok so not the worm)

And with holidays looming I just wanted a day without the hassle. i know i sound like an awful mum for saying that but I am worn out.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 01/04/2010 10:53

TLE - it doesn't make you sound like an awful Mum and anyone that thinks that needs to walk a mile in your shoes.

Would any of those other people (except the Ex) have DS 1 for a few days? (Don't dismiss the worm!!). To give you a break & to show DS1 it's not all that green the other side of the fence.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 01/04/2010 11:07

Chippin, my mum does have him but she like all nans has her own set of rules which basically are none. I spoke to her last night and told her she has to follow my rules as otherwise when he comes home he is just so rude to me it is unbelieveable.

OP posts:

claw3 · 01/04/2010 11:11

Hi Lady, have you tried setting a schedule for when your ds is going to see his dad?

When my eldest ds was about the same age (he hadnt had contact with his dad for over a year) and he was worried that his dad would have irregular contact and he literally didnt want to see his dad, rather than face rejection again.

We wrote a schedule on the understanding that if his dad didnt stick to it, he wouldnt have to see him again. Made him feel more secure about it.

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