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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What should we do?

15 replies

Angelcake33 · 30/03/2010 13:21

I have a really good group of friends that I met when my DD was born 2 years ago and I still see them on a weekly basis.

There is one child who is really badly behaved and keeps hitting all of our children. His mum just sits and chats rather than follows him around and if she sees him being spiteful she shouts across the room which scares everyone in the vicinity! However he is still horrible regardless of being told off and we have started to go on days out/have playdates without her. I feel really mean but I don't know what we can do about the situation tactfully? Any ideas?

OP posts:

DuckyCukker · 30/03/2010 13:23

Message deleted

traceybath · 30/03/2010 13:27

Its not the child's fault - poor thing. I really can't bear lazy mothers - ds1 was a pusher and I had to follow him round all the time for a while until he grew out of it. Not much fun but its not all sitting round drinking coffee

In your situation I'd say to the little boy 'be gentle, ooh you've hurt x - now say sorry' - I would then take him over to the mother and tell her what had happened. If after a few instances of this she still doesn't get the message you could either speak directly to her or just keep excluding her. Depends how much you like her I guess.

Tricksy though.

LIZS · 30/03/2010 13:28

I'd tread carefully as sooner or later it will be another child, possibly your own, behaving badly who faces being ostracised and labelled as "horrible". Moving meetings to neutral territory would be beneficial all round and you can each bail out as and when without causing offence. As time goes on parenting styles will differ and maybe this friend needs some positive alternative examples of effective discipline and support rather than to be left out. If the others don't see this maybe you could meet up for shorter periods one to one - swimming, park etc - or without the children.

TestPleaseDelete · 30/03/2010 13:28

Message deleted

DuckyCukker · 30/03/2010 19:16

Message deleted

spongebrainbigpants · 30/03/2010 19:18

testplease, are you saying the mum should hit the child back?

You're obviously taking the piss .

runnybottom · 30/03/2010 20:53

2 year olds aren't "spiteful". get a grip.

parakeet · 30/03/2010 21:30

YANBU. You have little choice but to avoid her.

It's not your responsibility to set her a positive parenting example.

spongebrainbigpants · 30/03/2010 22:12

My DS is hair pulling at the moment with our ante-natal group. I'd be utterly devastated if I found out they were meeting without me to avoid me and my DS .

sherlockH · 30/03/2010 22:16

Message deleted

MudandRoses · 30/03/2010 22:47

Woah can't believe some posters are suggesting teaching their own kids to combat violence with violence??! that's crazy! Or am I being obtuse and missing the irony?

I suggest if the mum is lapsing in her parental duties, as an traceybath suggests, do some parenting for her and she'll a) get the message, and b) hopefully be a bit embarrassed. And her kid might benefit too. As will yours, by learning that bad things happen, and how to deal with them (ie, not by hitting back!)

littlepetal · 31/03/2010 00:54

Ah yes lazy parenting and why do some parents expect the other children to fight back to teach them a lesson. Won't that just end up with a full blown fight between toddlers. Why can't they just intervene immediately. I love the way some parents pretend they haven't seen what's happened either when they're sat only a few feet away. I've also heard one parent say "no hitty hitty" in a sing song voice which didn't work either and yes my daughter has just started to hit other children, so I watch her like a hawk, intervene immediately & go home if needs be.

Original poster

Angelcake33 · 31/03/2010 12:26

Wow! I can't believe how many of you are saying our children should hit each other! I think littlepetal has got the right idea - watching them and intervening and then going home if the situation doesn't improve. Will try to tell her to do this!

By the way I though 2 year olds couldn't be spiteful either runnybottom but the look on his face when he is doing it isn't pleasant - he has an angry look and I feel he knows what he wants to do so spiteful was the correct word to use in this case.

OP posts:

PrettyCandles · 31/03/2010 12:36

Maybe he's doing it to get his mum's attention.

I would have no hesitation intervening. I would go ove trto the child and tell him, quietly and firmly "No. You may not hit." and give him a toy to divert him, or take him to another part of the room. If he continued hitting I would say "No. You may not hit. Go to your mummy now." and take him gently there if necessary.

Do this often enough, and perhaps she will her dc's behaviour is not tolerable for the other families, and that her own attitude is not right either.

marge2 · 31/03/2010 12:51

Difficult isn't it? If the Mum isn't noticing or bothering to correct the behaviour, then you have no option other than to deal with it yourself and drawing her attention to it. Or NFI-ing them. You can't stand by and watch your little ones be beaten up.

I know what it's like to have the boot on the other foot though. Aged 4-5, my DS1 went through a phase of wacking and hitting the other kids on our little group of friends. ( usually DS2 was the victim, though but often others too!) Kids would come wailing 'P... HIT ME!!' I was SO embarrased and certainly didn't ignore him, when he did it. I guess my friends could see I was aware and dealing with the problem.

He seems to have grown out of it now and we are all still friends.

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