To not want my dc to do this?

[oramijustamiseryguts]

My exh parents live abroad.

Ex h and I are currently in the process of divorcing.

He has told me that he wishes to take the dc to visit his parents.

Now I understand he is their father and has equal rights etc but these are my concerns.

1. When exh and his father get together they drink excessively and when exh is drunk is a complete waste of space and no good to dc.

1. Because of this most of the childcare would fall to ex MIL. She is ok and loves dc but is not as on the ball as I would like her to be. Things like we were out on a day trip once and I left dd with her and went on a ride with ds, when I came back dd was lying on the floor crying her eyes out, really hysterical and ex MIL was so busy chatting to a couple in the line with her that she hadn't even noticed. Dd was 2 at the time.

1. Another time I left ds with her and went out with SIL. Lost SIL when we were out so went home and told MIL who insisted on taking me back out to look for her. I assumed that FIL was with ds, having found SIL after about an hour we returned home to find FIL drunk and incapable on the sofa.

What I am trying to say is that my dc might not always be her first priority when she also has two adult male drunks to manage.

Would you, under these circumstances allow your dc to go on this holiday. Dc's are 4 and 8 and one of them has ASD.

Many thanks for your opinions and also any advice on where I stand legally on this.

Ouch.

YANBU but I'm not sure if you actually have a legal leg to stand on.

I was hoping part of the child access arrangements could be that we could not take the children out of the country without the other parents agreement.

Hi there,

YANBU, where are you with contact orders or other court orders for the children? Are CAFCASS involved?

You could apply for a prohibited steps order, but would have to be able to demonstrate grounds as courts are reluctant to prevent children having opportunities to travel
(Sucks I know, FWIW I had 3 years and enough in legal bills to buy a small house to get peace of mind with my exh travelling abroad with DS and that was after he'd admitted to the court he'd threatened to abduct DS!)

No contact orders or court orders as yet. We are very amicable about access and it is quite relaxed. However he has just been found guilty of criminal damage within a domestic violence frame, he smashed a window during an argument here and also has 2 convictions for drink driving plus various other minor convictions but not in the last 5 years (yes he is a real peach of a man!)

Fortunately as one of my dc is classed as disabled I am his carer and qualify for legal aid.

Not fortunately that he is disabled, fortunately I qualify for legal aid

It's only if there's a residence order in force that the rule applies about one parent having to get the other's consent to take out of the jurisdiction, and even then it's only if it's to take them out for more than 28 days.

Who has the passports?

Make sure he can't get his hands on them and also let the p/port office know not to issue new ones to him without contacting you first.

I have them.

If you qualify for legal aid, you need to get your concerns raised prior to the first trip (this was where I tripped up)

Would you feel les sunhappy if the visit with the grandparents was taking place in the UK?

Could you offer the grandparents indirect contact such as via a webcam.

if you offer these kind of alternatives you will get a kinder hearing when/if it gets to court.

from a legal standpoint, without court orders in place you can't prohibit anything although you could wihthold the passports and do as mumblechum says. If you do nothing other than refuse to allow the children to go, the ex will have to apply to the court for permission and then the costs will be borune by him not you.

They can and do have pretty much unlimited access to the dc when they are in the UK. Circumstances are different though, they don't usually stay overnight. I don't mind any contact but exMIL and FIL have quite a dysfunctional relationship, she is quite obsessive about him and all sense flies out of the window if they have a row or he has a drink, I worry that if dc are abroad and things go wrong it would be a lot worse than if they went wrong here. Also there are usually other relatives around when dc see their grandparents here. Where they live it would just be grandparents, exh and dc. When we were together I actually had to implement a Ban on FIL and exh drinking round the dc because they seemed to think it was absolutely fine to be falling down drunk around them and MIL didn't see it to be a problem.

no you are not unresonable you are a concerned mother. However legally you need to ensure you are standing utterly sound and safe so I would contact CAB and see what they suggest