to not want to go on an expensive holiday... for the MILLIONTH TIME

[soBloodyFedUp]

My parents have always been pretty delighted with their own view of the world, and extremely censorious of anyone who doesn't live up to it.

I moved away years ago; in recent years they have taken to moaning the entire time that I won't fit in with their holiday plans. I say "I'll be really busy with work in September" so lo and behold they decide to come and visit in September, then get really p'd off when I say "actually i'm busy then".

The last few years they have decided they really like a particular island in the Carribean. Lucky for them on their baby boomer final salary pensions, they go there about 5 times a year. Every single time there is a demand that I join them, and then major sulking when I point out that I can't afford about 250 quid per day. there is absolutely no way they intend paying for me - they hate spongers.

I have just said that I am being made redundant in July from my job that pays approximately the minimum wage. I have already spent all my savings on electricity and food. Guess what the only comment was?

"We are having such a lovely time here. We've decided to come here again in September. Given that you won't have a job you'll have lots of free time, so why don't you come with us?"

AAARRRGGGGGHHHHH

maybe just tell them 'I'm sorry I can't afford it but to be honest even if I could I'd rather stick pins in my eyes do my own thing if you don't mind'
and just repeat year after year

So sorry about your DS.

Are your parents for real??? It is just behond words!

YANBU.

They don't sound dissimilar to mine, my father thinks I'm an irresponsible idiot for not having 10k away for a rainy day... I spend all my cash on luxuries like food & rent!

Good lord they sound infuriating. It's sounds like you have pretty much spelled out the situation. I don't know how you don't blow up at them. Maybe they'd get the message if you did that.

I do think there is a tendency for older people of a certain generation just to be urealistic wrt money if they are comfortable financially themselves.

YANBU

I'm sorry to hear about your DS

Re the emails you don't have to open them. I have to admit that if I had your parents I'd be tempted to cut contact even if only temporarily.

HOLIDAYS BAH BAH BAN THEM

I'm so sorry about your DS.

Your parents sound awful. So insensitive.

Your parents (with respect) are vile to make these demands. I certainly wouldn't share my bank statements with them but I think the time has come to be uncompromising about why you cannot go to this island with them. Don't let them play the guilt trip. If they had any decency, they would have treated you to a holiday after what sounds like a traumatic time.

I actually think that you don't need to be "dealing" with their demands. It's so stressful trying to get your point across to someone who just won't accept any points that you make. It might be easier to just accept that they will never be reasonable about this and not make excuses or offer a compromise.

Just say "No, I can't." and don't explain or excuse yourself. If they keep raising the subject tell them that your original answer still stands and you'll let them know if things change in the future, then change the subject or make an excuse and hang up the phone.

My catch-all phrase is "I'll bear that in mind", it's useful for any accusations of selfishness, wilful poverty etc and you can keep repeating it for every new line your parents produce. That way you don't admit any guilt (which is what they want you to feel) or make any promises and it's a bit of a conversation stopper.

I hope you find another job that you enjoy by the time you are made redundant.

This just sounds too bizarre for words.

Why do they not understand your financial situation? Are they exceptionally dim?

Tell them you will cease all contact unless they stop harrassing you to spend money you do not have.

TBH they sound just like mine - only mine wait till I've booked a holiday (for some much needed family chill-out time) and then they happen to book themselves a holiday to the same place, and proceed to organise us every day like a military operation, doing the kinds of things they want to do and then raise eyebrows and moan behind our backs because the kids are getting restless (ie they'd rather be on the beach than looking round yet another art gallery....)

My conclusion is that they want us along as they get bored on their own and need other people along to control for company. They also seem to realise we don't like this but actually it's perfectly clear to me that they don't care about that. They want to be able to tell their friends that we all went on holiday together. end of.

I think you should just say sorry, things are very difficult for me right now and I simply don't have the money. That should be clear enough.

And am so very, very sorry about your son. You don't need to be treated by this by people who should know better.

thanks for all the replies, particularly relating to DS. Not a day goes by without missing DS - and missing DH (the way he used to be, anyway).

Cremeeggs, yes mine also like having people to control. I feel sorry for my niece and nephews, they get dragged round miserably with eyebrows being raised about their behaviour in places utterly unsuitable for them. DS was thankfully too little (3) for much of that to go on.

Wow. I'm really sorry OP, this is going to sound very rude of me but how extremely rude and insenstive of your parents! Umm, first of all I'd like to say how sorry I am about your DS' death , your divorce and your redundancy. You've been through an awful lot. I would agree with QuintessentialShadow, could you not write them a letter being completely truthful about why you cannot afford to come and that it is distressing you that they keep asking?

what a terrible time you've been having I cannot imagine what they are thinking unless they're going down the rather tactless 'distraction' technique to help

I certainly don't think you're being unreasonable at all - some of my most miserable holidays have been in the company of my family or parents and have sworn blind am never doing it again - we always want to think that things will be better though don't we

stick to your guns and when you DO have the cash treat yourself so your own holiday paradise and not what they consider to be the perfect holiday

Well, with parents and a sister like that, no wonder you are unsure whether this is unreasonable!

How did the react to your DS's death and your divorce? Were they sympathic, non-committal, rude and insensitive again?

It's a shame that family is so hard to cut out, whereas if friends or colleagues behaved like this, there would be the recourse and relief of BUGGERING OFF!