to cut my father out of our life?

[straightupplease]

So first off will confess to name changing for this post, but please give it to me straight. I really go back and forth in how I feel about this and need AIBU right now.

My father was an excellent father when I was growing up and we became very close. Five years ago he entered a downward spiral - became a raging alcoholic, had affairs & eventually left my mother for one, alienated lifelong friends horribly (ie. violence, threats, etc.), he lies whenever he is awake, vicious lies that ruin lives. He started using drugs (has since stopped this he says), met new "friends," ruined his life in every way you could think of. I have been the only one who has continued to stand by him and try to get him to fix his life despite ongoing verbal/mental/emotional abuse. The rest of the family has nothing to do with him, and I don't blame them one bit; he is toxic and has no sense of right and wrong anymore - he would do anything to anyone and not feel bad. Suffice to say that while I have tried to "do the right thing," mainly because he was a great father for 30 years or so, I have done it in absolute terror and it has taken it's toll on my health and other relationships. I have lost many friends over things he has done in our community, and still been the one to pick up the pieces each time. I would not repeat any of it, but it is shocking how cruel and intimidating and manipulative he has been.

Then I had DS. This has changed how I feel about many things. I feel that I unequivocally cannot expose him to a threat of danger (not specific atm, but could be on any given day when he "loses it"), or even the negative influence. I am ashamed to admit it, but I think I would like to cut my father completely out of our lives. I feel like a horrible person even typing that, which I guess is my AIBU question.

I have always thought that family should never give up, never cut each other out. Now I am wondering if that was a bit idealistic on my part. Is a horrid thing to think? AIBU to cut my father out of my life?

I think the fact you're thinking seriously about it means it's right for you at the moment. You're not horrible, there's only so much a person can take. If he sorts himself out you can always rethink

Hi there

I am no contact with my adoptive father. He was a bully and emotionally abusive. I am now beginning to experience flashbacks and memories which make me believe he may have sexually abused me as well

YANBU to think about it or to do it if the price is too high for having him in your life. You say he was a great father for 30 years. Someone who could be so cruel and manipulative to his own daughter now? Have you had counselling? Could there be issues from your childhood that you have not dealt with?

My adoptive father could be 'nice' at times as well but I now realise that was part of the abuse. I think it is termed hoovering - they be nice to suck you back in so that they can abuse you all over again. It is confusing and distressing.

Have you looked at the stately homes thread?

If you were not related I presume you would have nothing to do with him. Personally I don't see the point in having a toxic person in your life just because they are a blood relative and I know my wise (years ago) psychotherapist would say the same.

It sounds as if you've already done a lot for your father You can only help so much and tbh you can't help him unless he admits he has a problem and tries to help himself.

Now you have a DS and he has to come first. So, no, YANBU if you decide to cut your father out of your life.

yanbu, if your instincts tell you he poses a threat to your dc in any way then he needs to stay away. he sounds really unpredictable.
your father is entirely responsible for his own behaviour, and the very fact that his behaviour has taken such a toll on you suggests that you need this space for yourself too.

hi op. sorry to say i have been through similar with my dad. my dad behaved so baly when i got engaged that i just stopped contact. he does not know that i got married and went on to have dd. throughout my pregnancy i felt compelled to reconcile but i just couldn't. it has stopped just being about me. i dont want dd to grow up thinking that one has to tolerate unreasonable/abusive behaviour from someone just because they are a relative. i also resent my dad enough to want to deny him the pleasure of meeting dd.

fwiw my dad made a huge effort with me at times when i was younger. he always provided and made sure i had someone to play with/took us on days out all the time. on paper i had a v priviledged childhood. i appreciate all of those things but i'd have given it all away in exchange for a dad who was ordinary/nice/predictable.

Thank you so much, I am actually in tears with relief, not sure why exactly but I am...

Jung - do you think there is a "second chance" if someone sorts themselves out once you do that kind of thing? I wonder this...

Rose - you have really given me something to think about with the "hoovering." I haven't seen the thread you referred to, is it on AIBU?

I hadn't even considered it, but yes Shaking, I would unquestionably not have him in my life if we weren't related...

Wow, I am surprised that so many have found themselves in the same situation. for you all, but somehow don't feel as alone in this, thank you for letting me know it does happen.

Sungirl - wow that could have been my sentence - "On paper I had a v priviledged childhood. I appreciated all of those things but I'd have given it all away for a dad who was ordinary/nice/predictable."

I guess that is why I say my father was a good father in my youth...you have put it so much better than me.

straightupplease - The stately Homes thread is in Relationships. There are a lot of good people there who have been through horrible things, so they really know what they're talking about.

YANBU. You've done everything you could for your father for as long as you were able - now your life has chnaged, as have your priorities; his haven't. You can't expose your DC to someone if you think they would be at risk from them.

If your father turns his life around then that's the point at which you begin to consider admitting him back into yours. But until he does that (and until you know for certain that's what has happened) don't dwell on it or him. You need to focus on your own family, because they are the ones who count.

Agree with others, if you are considering it after trying so hard then I think it is probably a good idea. I haven't spoken to my fatehr in 6 years. It was orginally a shirt term idea not to answer the phone to him or return his calls as a way to keep my sanity without his gaslighting/abuse but then it got longer and I realised I felt so much happier without the tension over me.
Maybe say you will not contact for a few months and then see how you feel? You will either be relieved or ready to talk to him on your terms.
I got DH to answer the phone and just say I wasn't there/couldn't get to the phone and then I woudl never call back. Cowardly I know but I couldn't have told him as he would have lost it with me.
Good luck with what you decide though, and rememebr, you are the child in this relationship so if your father doesn't make you feel protected and safe then he is not doing his job.

straightup - :-(

if it helps i have also decided that 1. he is never going to either change or become entirely reasonable and 2. i have tried hard/long enough, i am entitled to live/enjoy my adult life without feeling guilty.

YANBU and I do think you should cut him out at this point, for you and your new family. However, do try and keep tabs on him because at some point he will hit rock bottom and will need some support.

My dad, for all his faults, is not like this in any way, so I can't offer the advice others above have. But, I once worked in a homeless shelter for a while and met a bloke about my dad's age who was a severe alcoholic, he was obviously intellegent and often arrogant (he hated the younger smack-heads in the place). One time he told me that he had a family; adult children, grandchildren he'd never met, but said he couldn't think about trying to see them until he'd cleaned his life up. The problem is that I couldn't see him cleaning his life up without the possible incentive that he would be received. Oh, I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but while I totally and utterly sympathise with you OP, your dad is on a slippery slope and when he reaches the bottom, there ain't much out there to help him.

I cannot thank you all enough for your responses, it feels like massive relief....I have no one to discuss this with in RL as no one even wants to talk about anything to do with him, period.

I think am going to take a break at least, somehow. I wish I had any idea how. I know if I tell him directly he will explode, and I will be absolutely terrified for days waiting to see what he does - the last time I tried to talk to him about his new "lifestyle" was the first time in my life anyone has ever scared me so badly that I literally couldn't move. I so wish I could just not answer the phone, but then he drives here.

For those of you who have done this, if you don't mind sharing -- did you actually tell the person that you were not going to have contact? Or did you somehow find another way out?

Thanks Tottwriter, and think I will check it out.

Sungirl - it does help quite a lot actually...I think maybe I need somebody to bonk me over the head with your #1.

Larks - v true, if he ever hits it there will be no one left to be there but me (which is part of the reason I've been so torn); had an experience about a year ago where I was sure it had to be rock bottom for him. Positive. He bought himself out of that too. So lately I'm wondering if he'll ever get all the way down....he just says this is the new him.

Hi, I completely sympathise with you, my father is, I think quite mad, he's extremely difficult, and I am keeping my dc away from him and others in my family that he has made into versions of himself. You are NOT horrible, you are a parent now and you cannot afford to parent your own father. How to do it? I'm still slightly confused myself but I have not been in contact with my family since before Christmas.

I just think everyone has their limit, I want my children to be happy and calm people and if I expose them to my father's influence they haven't got a chance. My mother is in complete denial so it's a nightmare, luckily they live on the other side of the country, but the last few months have been hell because of them anyway. I know I've reached the end of the line with them.

Your child has to come first, he has to be protected from this toxic grandparent.

Don't beat yourself up about it, don't feel guilty, you have given and given over the years and it has affected your well-being and peace of mind. You have been an absolute saint towards your father, but enough is enough. Time to stop.

Seems he is unappreciative anyway and unwilling to change. Sadly he may be unable to change as the alcohol and drugs (did you say drugs?) may have permanently affected his personality.

Please cut him out for the sake of yourself and your child, I know it is hard and very sad as you are remembering your childhood, but your Dad is just not the same person.

DP has done the same thing, it's the best thing he could have done.

One of his sisters has also cut their dad out of her life.

Some people don't deserve their families. And you definitely deserve better!

Yanbu.
Could he have something wrong, a brain tumour or mental illness, that caused this bad behavior? Just wondering, as that happened with a relative of mine.
I had to cut someone out of my life, very similar situation, but they were not my father. After about one year of no contact, and loosing his kids, home, family and friends, I heard he was admitted into a mental institution, and was diagnosed with a mental illness. Now I talk to him on the phone from time to time, and although I have forgiven him the bad things he did, I will not ever forget them, or ever have the same affection or trust. It is pretty hard to think of all the bad things he did, so I try not too.

If he was not on medications, I would not speak with him, even now I sometimes fear what would happen if he went off of them.

This thread from a few months back had a similar situation in some respects (though not all). Some useful books on the subject of toxic parents are Co-Dependent No More, by Melodie Beattie, Healing The Shame That Binds You, by John Bradshaw, and Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward.

Thank you all very much for your honesty and advice. Really sorry to hear that so many have had similar experiences. But it definitely helps put in perspective that this actually does happen to people.

I wish I could say I thought there was something "wrong" that caused this, but he is quite proud of having become an alcoholic who does whatever he pleases without regard to anyone else.

I have talked to DH and we are going to ignore the calls and when he inevitably shows up, DH is going to tell him I don't want to see him. Then we'll take what comes, and it won't be good....Hoping if I can stay sane through the onslaught that eventually he will tire of tormenting us and move on. It's a faint hope, tbh, but we have to try something. Thank you again for everything, and will definitely check out the books and links, think I'm going to need all the resources I can get.

All I can think to say is to say the feeling of being free when it is done is great.

Glad your DH is behind you. Stand your ground and good luck.

Hi Straightupplease,

Can I suggest you contact Al-Anon - they offer a fantastic service to those affected by alcholic / addicted family members. You can just phone them or go to a meeting on your own and they will help.

You father is an adult. Every morning he wakes up and makes a concious decision to drink. You are not responsible for him or his actions. He is not your responsibilty as he is making a life-style choice.

My father has always been a functioning alcoholic. Last year his second wife died and he went tremendously down hill quickly. We did EVERYTHING within our power to help him. He has ended up now with Alcoholic dementia brought on my a life time of hard drinking. We now think he has had it for at least 5 years but his wife hid it and we passed alot off 'as being pissed'.

He is in his late 70's now and in a dementia care home and off the booze and happy.

If you are worried his is being a danger to himself health wise - contact Adult Social services and make them aware.

There are so many people who can help.

Just stand back, distance your self and look after your husband and child. They are the most important part fo your family now, not him.

Good Luck xx

Hi, I don't have any personal experience of this. However, friends of the family went through a very similar thing and the wife went to the AA meeting for family/friends and with their support was able to get her husband 'sorted out' - he hit rock bottom when he was (falsely) accused of sexual assault (it was def untrue), he has now been sober for many years - but just before bottoming out, he was similar to how you describe your father.

Also another friends Father was similar, he would state he was a happy alcoholic too - turns out he had a brain tumour - he had surgery and gave up alcohol at the same time - hard to know how much of his behaviour was alcohol or tumour - but it's worth getting all medical things checked out (if you can get him to the Dr's).

Do everything you can for him, he was a good Dad to you for a long time, I bet he wouldn't have given up on you without a fight!!! (However, it goes without saying that you need to 'protect' your DS from all of this until your Dad is better).

Good luck, my thoughts are with you.