to be getting seriously p**sed off now?

[JazzieJeff]

This little problem kind of follows on from a problem I had before and have asked for help on previously. I have tried to have patience with this issue; unfortunately, that patience is rapidly running out and I am beginning to come to my wits' end.
I apologise in advance for the rather long tale...
I'm 22, live with DH in a lovely home and we both have full time, secure jobs. I fell pregnant just after Christmas with our first child, and we are both so excited. Unfortunately, my parents didn't feel the same way. We are not married under UK law, as our ceremony was a quiet affair on holiday in Africa last year. This was because when I mentioned a private ceremony with literally just both sets of parents and us, the idea was laughed at and I was told to stop being such a 'silly girl'. Besides, what would my father's family think? We went and had a quiet beach ceremony anyway and decided that should any children come along, we would simply make any extra legal arrangements that would be necessary. When I fell pregnant, this was done so our child would be safe should anything happen to us. Both of my parents it seems, are ashamed of me. I thought this would pass, since both of us are very happy, but I understood that becoming a grandparent must be a really big life - change to adjust to. I had my three month scan last week and everything is healthy. When I rang my parents to update them, my Dad just grunted 'oh' and passed me straight over to my Mum. I rang my Mum today and she admitted to me that they are both disappointed in me (although what else I am supposed to have done with my life, she didn't make clear) and that my Dad is telling his side of the family this weekend, and such is his shame that he doesn't want to speak to me at the minute. She said 'I'll let you know when to ring next'. I am so flummoxed, I hardly know how to feel. I realise perhaps I should've waited a few days to calm down before asking for advice, but I just can't. Why should our baby be a source of shame? Why do I need to fit into their stereotype of what they consider to be a 'good life'? When I asked what they thought to be a better alternative, my Mum told me I should've waited another 5 or 6 years, gotten married 'properly' and bought a bigger house. I just can't believe they're coming out with all this, I don't know how to feel other than utterly hurt and slightly disgusted with the whole thing. How much more time do I need to give? Until I'm six month's pregnant? Nine months? Until the baby's born?
I'm terribly sorry to ramble but I just feel so shaken up; I thought all this would've passed after two months, but it's actually gotten worse. I can't bear being the source of shame, because I haven't done anything wrong. I love our baby so much already.
Thanking you in advance
xxx

I'd give them until the baby's born and if they then can't fall over themselves to worship him/her then maintain your distance a bit.
I was a bit when I went to a friend's wedding (we got married about a year earlier), they already had a baby and the groom's father made a comment along the lines of "at least you're doing it the right way round", but they are loving, doting gps at least.
Congratulations btw

What is their problem?

The fact you got married without them there?

The fact they feel you are not legally married but are having a child?

I am not feeling charitable at the moment so would just ignore them for a while and enjoy your pregnancy.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Oh my word, you could have done a lot, lot worse in life!!!

Your parents sound a nightmare. I really hope for your sake they don't live too near.

I bet they will not be able to help themselves when your baby is born - they will be totally in love.

However, I would let them make the first move now.
And it should start with an apology.

Poor you.

Fabisgettingthere; I think they have a list, but this morning when I called my Mum, she said that my Dad was really worried about what his brother (my uncle) would think of the whole thing. I was becoming fairly cross by this time and asked her what on earth mattered what anybody else thought, in fact, what was more important than a healthy child? She very elusive and said that it would all be better when the baby was born; but that's hardly the point is it now? Then she came out with 'don't forget to come and visit soon, just to cement the bond between you and your father' I was absolutely seething when I got off the phone, so much so I could hardly tell DH what had happened.
Still feeling very unfriendly about the whole episode and really don't know where to go from here.

I think they are acting like you are a child tbh.

lockets; DH's mum is an utter dream, always calling to ask how I'm feeling and if there's any advice she can give. I feel rather guilty about providing such unco-operative in laws to DH

firstly- congratulations for your wedding and your pregnancy!

Secondly- As others have said- give them until the baby is here and if they continue to behave like this keep them at arms length.

lockets; no, I'm an only child, but I left home at 17. Canya guess why???!

I would now maintain radio silence until they come to their senses and grovel up your garden path and beg to be loving grandparents to your child and sensible parents to you.

Enjoy your lovely life with DH and his parents and make your parents a very small part of your life from now on.

Ashamed indeed - they should be...

Ignore them. stop tugging at their skirts for their attention and approval (iyswim ). You don't have to do that. You don't have to do anything, you don't have to try to talk them round.

They are probably angry because they can't control you.

Are they very controlling people? Want to know the ins and outs of your life? Expect you to run all your choices by them before making a decision (or rather doing what they think is right)?

Get on with your life, with your family - that's your husband and this baby, in case you thought it was your parents!

Don't try to talk them round, don't try to get their approval. You don't need it.

Move away from them (mentally)

Congratulations, JazzieJeff!

It's hurtful, isn't it. DP's mother cried when we told her I was expecting, not from joy either. We're not married yet, though we are 5 or 6 years on from you and have bought a house. But, no, we hadn't done it in proper order.
All through the pregnancy they were stiff and cold about it, but we're all too passiveaggressive polite for open conflict. We were bubbling over with excitement for the entire nine months and I would not dampen it to please them or anyone so burbl;ed away to them as with anyone. Their attitude didn't really bother me - but DP was very hurt.

DD is 9 months now and they worship the ground she crawls on, and are such loving, doting GP's. I'd imagine your parents will be the same, try not to let it sour this very special time for you and your husband.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I guess they think you're too young to be settling down. But you sound like someone who knows what they want, and you are an adult, you can make decisions for yourself.

What your uncles or wider family think should be completely irrelevant to you - however, it sounds to me like your dad is under a lot of pressure to follow a certain path of 'respectability' in his family (not suggesting you're not respectable btw, just that anything outside of cultural expectations can be perceived as such). He's projecting his family worries onto you when he should be supporting / congratulating you. But maybe you could at least let him get over the business of telling his family, since that's such a big deal to him, and then seek his love and approval.

I'm not trying to defend him here - he has not behaved in a fatherly way - but I do think you should take his feelings into consideration (even though he hasn't considered your feelings, I know!) in order to try and minimise the damage to your relationship with your parents.

As for your mother, it sounds like she's trying (albeit unsuccessfully) to be a peace keeper here. Don't give her too much of a hard time.

Enjoy your pregnancy. Enjoy the extra attention from your dh and his mum. Your parents can't stay angry for good. And if they do - it's their loss.

They sound very much like their living in the past theres no shame nowadays in living together and having children.

You have nothing to be ashamed of - you sound like a nice person who's done well. When the baby arrives I suspect all their issues will go out of the window - their attitude now may be part of difficulties in adapting to the fact their little girl is all grown up.

Arrrrggghhhh... They are treating you as if you was some silly tennage girl knocked up by a random bloke and being quite disrespectful towards your family tbh.

You don't need to tip toe around them. You are happy with your life, DH and the pregnancy and they are like someone said quite manipulative. Your mum 'will let you know when to ring next' - wtf?...
What are they trying to achieve? I think they were trying to make you do things their way ('proper' wedding and all that) and because it's too late now they will make you 'pay the price' - will make you feel guilty, ashamed and tip toe around them. They sound very controlling and judgemental - trying to tell you what to do and when ('will tell you when to ring' and 'come in to cement the bond' bullshit).

I would not go and would not ring them for a good while. How about them comming over to you (with an apology of course!) to cement the bond?

It's great that you have great MIL, she sounds lovely.

Not sure whether this is good advice or not, but I would be tempted to put it down in a letter to them. If it were me I would just want to write to them detailing all of the good things in your life (like you told us - loving relationshipe, secure job, own home) and how upset you are at their reaction. I would be very tempted to compare this to how you could be living your life: teenage single mother, drugs/alcohol abuse, working as a stripper, living off benefits...

It may not do any good and it may not be good advice but I think it's what I would do.

MrsSawDust; thank you, I am trying to see it from their point of view desparately. I'm not trying to win them over so much as not wanting to damage our relationship. I realise that becoming a grandparent must be a difficult thing to adjust to... I just get so angry with it all.

I'm certainly going to leave things for a while. I'm moving to Cornwall this week, so I've got an excuse to be busy. It just peeves me that after two months, things have gotten worse, become more strained. And for the first time, I'm starting to wonder how long my patience is going to last before I think 'sod it, not worth it'.

Congrats! Babies are so lovely.

You sound like a wonderful person with nothing to be ashamed of. What exactly is their problem-that you're "not married"? Well, you are, so bugger that. (First time I've said that-proud of my little American self ) Anyway even if you weren't, you're an adult and it's no business of theirs. Next time they mention "what would Dad's family say" just say "I couldn't care less at this point; my priorities right now are my husband and child. Must go, bye!" And hang up.

My mother cried when i told her i was pregnant

I was twenty and not married (although in a stable relationship) and told her when she was drunk so perhaps an understandable reaction

The differance is she got over it, and even three grandkids down the line she's never pretended to the quite morally superior extended family that she's anything other than proud of her grandchildren and my choice to have my family young (although she's not above making comments to me about 'ruining my life' and wasting my brain by not going straight into a career lifestyle)

There are alot worse things you could be doing with your life than being in a stable relationship and having children fgs and your family should have the good sense to realise that... personally i'd completely ignore them until they can behave themselves in an appropriate way towards you... but then i have no patiance for people who try and make others feel bad, especialy for such non existant reasons.

Congratulations!

YANBU, I would be very hurt by this sort of behaviour. Even my very very Catholic Nana doesn't care that my cousins had children before they got married. She was just happy that there were two new, beautiful members of the family.

Tell them to bugger off, and please don't let it ruin your pregnancy.

Congrates on your pregnancy and at moving to Cornwall.

What your uncle like.
Will his reaction be the same as your parents. If not could you speak to your uncle first and let him know how your dad is behaving.

As for your parent leave them to it and enjoy the rest of your pg.

Oh, a big, un-mumsnetty hug for you!

YANBU - your parents sound like they're living in the previous century or something. Well, your dad is for certain, your mother could simply be stuck playing piggy-in-the-middle and edging to his side because she lives with him not you.

I can't say I've been in exactly your position, but I'm 22 now, and had my DS a week before my 21st; DP and I had been seeing each other for six months when I concieved, so I'd be tempted to tell your parents 'It could be worse!' (Though DP and I are still together and only unmarried because we can't afford it.) I can remember being very nervous telling my parents and friends because I semi-expected a similar reaction. Of everyone, I think it was my Dad who was most unsure at first, mainly because I think he had big ambitions for me in his heart, bless him! But even he has never been anything but supportive of us, and loves being a grandfather. So your Dad's reaction is totally uncalled for.

Are your father's family particularly religious? If they are, that could be a reason for this reaction. Other than that, all I can suggest is to stop living in their shadow - clearly you want their approval, which is understandable, but you need to realise that even if you never have it, it doesn't make you the lesser person. That honour falls to them.

What the blue fuck? Sorry about bad language, but seriously?

How dare they make you feel like this when you're pregnant? How dare they put their outdated notions of what is "normal" and what other people think before you? How dare they make you feel guilty for bringing a child into what I assume is a loving, stable relationship?

Marriage doesn't make anyone great parents and your parents are naive for thinking otherwise. If outward apperances is their ONLY concern when their daughter is pregnant then they don't deserve your time. I know it's upsetting when your parents aren't supportive but if you have a great DH/MIL and friends then let them shower you with the support and love that your own parents are too stubborn to.

Worry about you and LO from now on. Stuff what they want/think. They're wrong, not you.

Congratulations x