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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be irked somewhat ny MIL...

24 replies

AliGrylls · 27/03/2010 15:16

Usually MIL and I get on quite well but recently I have been having a bit of a struggle with her.

There have been a few incidents, particularly in relation to how I feed BabyGrylls that have been getting to me.

A few weeks ago she told me off for putting diced peppers, with the skins on, into his meals (I think he was about 7 months old) - she thought that he may not be able to digest them.

The last time we saw her she said that G liked the food she made "because it was worth eating" and this was the reason why he did not want to eat my food. I got a bit upset by this.

Yesterday, she said to DH that I should give him Laughing Cow cheese because it is full of calcium. I explained to DH that normal cheese was also full of calcium and he loves it so why would I give him Laughing Cow.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable and that I discard everything she says because it comes from her (although TBH this is not true - I don't think I would ignore it if I felt she was being sensible).

OP posts:

bargainhuntingbetty · 27/03/2010 15:21

Just do what I did and take it for so long and then totally blow up and rant about how it is your child and you are the one bringing him up not her etc. It certainly clears the air. Although to be fair I wish I had spoken up before then and avoided all the upset that it caused. Since I did speak up though (it wasnt with MIL but another family member) it has been so much less stressful to go and visit etc. It is definatly worth speaking up but maybe not in the way I did it.

activate · 27/03/2010 15:21

every choice you make is differnet from hers and she takes it personally because she feels you are implying that she does not know what she's doing / talking about

the thing is it's your baby so you're allowed to make the choices.

But honestly what's the big deal about laughing cow? or any other food advice, just laugh it off say thank you and carry on being bloody minded - if she says cutting things say "well I know you don't mean anything but that was quite a mean thing to say wasn't it?" and smile sweetly

you've usurped her as the mother and turned her into the MIL which is hard for her to work out because everything she says is rejected

just be kind!

saslou · 27/03/2010 15:23

I think I would be upset if someone told me my food wasn't worth eating. Think you should just do what you want with regard to feeding your own baby. husbands are often oblivious to the little digs inlaws can make. I would just say that the baby is thriving, so you must be doing okay!

LadyintheRadiator · 27/03/2010 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maggie00 · 27/03/2010 15:32

Ignore her!

but ........ the skins of red peppers did used to make my children sick!

or you could start giving her dietary advice whenever she starts up. Low salt high calcium very important at her age!

Original poster

AliGrylls · 27/03/2010 15:32

DS is doing so well ATM although he is skinny and he has always been skinny, due to bad reflux and a small frame. She is always saying that she can see his ribs and he needs to gain weight which I do find irritating. I take it personally and I know I do because I have always been really proud of the fact that DS is such a good eater and I hate the suggestion that I don't feed him enough.

OP posts:

diddl · 27/03/2010 15:33

OP-does he eat your food?
If so, why care what she says!
If he doesn´t-she might have a point.
Is Laughing Cow as revolting as Dairylea?

southeastastra · 27/03/2010 15:35

she sounds like marie in everyone loves raymond

jallsort80 · 27/03/2010 16:48

My MIL used to buy me jars of baby food every week thinking she was helping. Lost count of the number of times I nicely explained that he ate fresh food (mashed) most of the time but 3/4 jars aweek were handy for if I went out and thanks. She still bought 10 ish jars a week till he was 18 months!!!!! I gave up mentioning it in the end!!!! I was honest when she asked if he had enjoyed them saying he's only had the .....one etc as he eats the same as us when at home. Then one day she turned up a bag of bananas and some carrots - I was so OTT grateful that she got the message and bought useful food stuffs for us.

Point is be grateful for advice but still do what u thinks best its yoiur child.

BTW you not want to hear this but if your child suffers reflux red pepper is NOT the best food to be giving him!!!!!

trixiechick · 27/03/2010 17:11

mils don't go away and it's a long road into forever. Have patience and carry on doing what you know is best for you and your baby. If you are giving the baby fresh fruit and veg in front of her she can't give out and you can always pull out the salt in processed foods argument. She wouldn't want to endanger her grandsons health now would she?

Ivykaty44 · 27/03/2010 17:14

Oh goodness he does get his skinny ness from his daddykinss

goodness laughing cow they are laughing all the way to the bank with the crap they put in that

peepr kinned - you do know the sjkin is where all the goodness is, how on earth did dh survie in your hosue chortle chortle

or just say dear MIL i am taking your remakes personeely and feel that we may end up falling out can we come to an arrangemnt to not critise each other

giveitago · 27/03/2010 17:19

She's been very very rude about your food - tell her back off. Really do it - if really made that comment about being food worth eating then she's asserting her power - don't let her - tell her (nicely) to back off.

Bloody hell if my mil her way ds would grow up on a diet of pizza, pasta, pork fat, steak and no fruit or vegetables at all.

Original poster

AliGrylls · 27/03/2010 19:21

He does like my food most of the time. On the day she said he didn't eat it though because he had eaten so much at lunch time.

She is coming tomorrow so if she doesn't be nice I will say something (although I think she is ill atm so have to be a little sympathetic).

Is red pepper really no good? He loves it. It never seems to have bothered him particularly. I will cut it out if his reflux comes back and see what happens.

OP posts:

mumbar · 27/03/2010 20:30

Usually foods high in acid can irritate reflux - I suffer but eat raw peppers alot!!!! I do take meds for it tho so not sure if this is why it doesn't affect me??

Reflux cn improve as child grows and is sometimes just a child related thing not an illness so if he's ok personally I'd still let him eat it so as not to cause fussiness.

YYour his mum you know him best so trust your instints I bet your doing a great job.

Firawla · 27/03/2010 20:31

my mil makes those kind of comments about her food is worth eating etc too, or more like "he likes my food as its tasty (and yours isnt)" or just trying to say that he only eats rice etc (she mainly cooks rice..)
it gets to the stage where you have to be very firm and clear rather than ignoring she will just carry on. if she says your food is not worth eating or something, then pull her up on it dont just let it slide. mine always used to ask what have i given him, then often whatever food ive mentioned she will make some kind of critisim so just had to make it very clear that i dont want her input on it. if they are very thick skinned and dont get the message, you may have to be extremely blunt like just tell her i know how to feed my child and i dont actually care what you think about what i should or shouldn't be feeding him. you have my sympathy, it is soo annoying to get such comments from mil, and yadnbu to feel irked.

mumbar · 27/03/2010 20:34

Oh and BTW so what if he didn't eat the food that day does the MIL like everymeal there is going??? Your baby is experimenting with tastes and textures that will change frequently until he's an adult.

Crapweasel · 27/03/2010 20:36

"The last time we saw her she said that G liked the food she made "because it was worth eating" and this was the reason why he did not want to eat my food." YABU to be upset at this, it was plain rude.

The rest: just include it in the heap of unsolicited advice you will receive from all angles now you are a mother - briefly consider its merits, discard what you don't consider useful, move on....

Pikelit · 27/03/2010 20:50

You've got years of "helpful" comments ahead, I'm afraid. So do the smile nicely and take buggerall notice trick. Certainly don't take anything personally or allow your MIL to become the cause of arguments between you and DH unless the argument is worth having.

wukter · 27/03/2010 21:04

Ignore, as far as you can, hold your fire for something that can't be let go. Have a couple of handy phrases that you can say with a smile when she starts, for example try "Isn't it funny, MIL, everyone loves their own mummy's food!"

LilQueenie · 27/03/2010 22:47

Your MIL was plain rude. At least let her know how it makes you feel and if she continues then put her firmly in her place.

Original poster

AliGrylls · 28/03/2010 21:14

I couldn't help it folks .... I had a little tantrum at lunch today. My mum on one side and mil on the other just pushed me over the edge when G was eating happily away they both piped up "do you know, he would prefer that if it wasn't so hot" - even though he was eating happily away.

I think I said something along the lines of "will you both just leave me alone. I am not doing anything dangerous and I don't need instruction on how to feed him". DH got pissed off a bit too although he handles it better than me.

After that they didn't say a word more about my parenting / feeding skills.

OP posts:

catsdontscreetch · 28/03/2010 21:18

Good for you! Hopefully that will be the end of it.

wukter · 28/03/2010 21:23

It's probably a good thing your own mum was there too. Your MIL won't feel singled out - and your mum is probably used to the odd sharp comment , after all she knew you as a teenager

damnedchilblains · 29/03/2010 10:00

"DH thinks I am being unreasonable and that I discard everything she says because it comes from her (although TBH this is not true - I don't think I would ignore it if I felt she was being sensible)." This is the worst thing. Often men only look to their mother for advice of parenting, whereas women tend to look to their mother, friends, health visitors, books etc and pick what they think is best/right for them. It really pissed me off when I had my first born as dh did this often and because I felt cornered I rejected absolutely everything he said, including some worthwhile advice. Speak to him about it and let him know that you don't think everything he says is wrong, but sometimes you want to take a different route and as you are the main carer it's easier to do it this way. Don't let him feel left out though - it's a sure way to being labelled a "control freak"

Think jallsort80 said it best "Point is be grateful for advice but still do what u thinks best its yoiur child." A lesson well learnt, took me over a year to realise this, the advice is meant often with the child's best interest at heart it's just times move on and often things are not done nowadays as they were 20+ years ago.

And with the minor tantrum (don't feel bad) wukter was right with your own mother being there mil wont feel singled out (although she may feel "she wont even take advice from her own mother").

Oh the joys of having your first child

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