to think it impossible to be freinds

[rotool]

with two people who are married but are splitting up because she has had an affair?
I am freinds with them both ( new him before her)but don't know if I should be friends with them both when she has torn his life apart. Should I support him or her or them both? Is it possible to stand on the fence?

Very difficult, but if you are friends with both, I think you have to remain on the fence and friends with both.

If you take a side and then they decide they'll make a go of it, how would you feel then?

Very tricky.

i'll be friends with you if you learn to spell it properly
do you want to be friends with them both? do you still respect her/want to see her?
and it is possible to stand on the fence, but mostly people are forced to choose. just dont choose. unless you want to of course!
[most unhelpful reply ever. sorry!]

Had this with a friend of mine her ex walked out on christmas night for the 17 year old babysitter, I remained friends with her but i've never spoken to him again in fact if he sees me he crosses the street.

I hadn't thought about what would happen if they got back together. It has really shocked me that she would do something like this. I have looked up to her thinking she was the perfect wife,mother etc. On the outside they had the perfect life,I guess you just never know. We have been invited to a birthday party next week and I don't know how to act with her. I just don't want to hurt him anymore than he is hurting already and I feel that if we act fine with them both it's almost like saying waht she has done is ok. Guess we could just not go to the party but is ds best friends bd and 'he' has asked my dh for us to go to give him support.

My parents found this when they separated (I was too young to ever really be able to decide if my mum moving in with another man was from her having an affair or her version of 'your father wouldn't do the decent thing and move out, and I had to go somewhere'). Our former neighbours remained in voluntary contact with my father, but not particularly with my mum, although she did keep contact going on her initiative. So they hung on the fence. But another couple cut off contact with my mum and to this day remain fairly good friends with my dad, although they emigrated and he doesn't talk to them much now.

I really don't know what to suggest, but if you still get along with them both, there's no reason to completely ignore one or both of them on principle. You might find that things work out naturally with you all remaining in contact (as long as you don't become a tool for passing messages or gossip between or about them), or you might find that one friendship naturally withers somewhat.

Do you get on with them equally, or are you closer to one in particular? Bizarrely, my maternal grandmother still asks after my Dad and is quite happy to natter with him if she sees him - he picked us up from her house once and she invited him in for a cup of tea and a cake. He feels slightly awkward about this I think, but they are happy to have a conversation. My mum is more or less aware of this I expect, but my nan doesn't make a point of telling her. After all, it's my mum who's her child. But it does go to show that you don't have to ostracise one because you still see the other, as long as you're tactful about it.

I was in exactly the same position, and stayed friends with them both. I did, however, tell her how annoyed I was and that I didn't want to meet the new guy. Very difficult situation. But it was all worth it - they are both v dear to me. They have since gotten back together.

It is v.v.hard. I have really tried this, as both were family friends from childhood. It is near impossible for the injured party to avoid talking to you about such an event in their life; it is near impossible for you to avoid having an opinion. With the person who had the affair, it is like there is an elephant in the room you're trying not to talk about.

Really, I don't think it can be done... I am still good friends with the "victim" but only polite superficial conversation when I run into the "cheater," and even then tbh I find it difficult. Good luck if you try, though.

I think you have to remember that you know nothing about anyone else's marriage, really, and that although he sees it as her tearing his life apart, she may well have been unhappy for a very long time for any number of reasons.

So in your shoes I'd be friendly to both of them but make it clear that you don;t want to be dragged into slagging off the other person.

ie, throw away any idea of "Victim" or "injured Party".

I'm trying to think of how I would feel if my friends sided with dh if he had an affair and I know I would be really hurt.

I have friends who separated last year due to an affair on his part. We are in a slightly complicated situation and I very clearly took her 'side', though I was polite if I saw him. Other friends though have tried to be friends with both and it hasn't really worked. She didn't really want to be friends with the OW and and I think only pursued the friendship because her DH was friends with him. It's sort of working out now that just the men are friends because it became too complicated. I know, though, that my friend who was cheated upon was VERY hurt by other friend's continued contact, though.

Interestingly, the division between the man who cheated and his circle of friends is mostly being created by him. It's as though he's walking around with a big A on his chest and he's rejecting everyone else before they can reject him (and/or his new gf/OW).

had this with 2 good friends.i set firm ground rule no protracted discussion of she said/he said.to date have retained friendship with both

shame one of them couldnt keep drawers on