re this visitor to DS1's father's house?

[grumblinalong]

I haven't been on MN or AIBU for ages so please bear with me.

DS1 is 6 and sleeps at his dad's house every other weekend overnight. We've had problems in the past re access (ex-p used to be a substance user and pretty abusive towards me so we had to go to a contact centre) but over past 3 years he and the situation has really settled down and it's been amicable. 2 week's ago DS1 came home and said there had been a visitor to his dad's house and the visitor had slept on the sofa. Immediately I felt a bit inside so I very casually asked who the visitor was. DS1 didn't know his name or anything about him, just that he was a man. I'm hyper sensitive about the people who come into contact with my dc's because I was abused as a child so I asked ex-p and he said that the visitor was his gf biological father. She had never met him (he left when her mum was pregnant), so after tracking him down on FB (a month ago) he came to stay with them.

I didn't say anything to exp as I didn't really know what to think at the time but after mulling it over I'm not really happy that DS slept in a house with a stranger who neither ex-p or his gf knows that well. I know it's their house and I can't dictate who they have to visit but my gut reaction is that this is wrong. My DP has said that if I don't feel comfortable I should say something because my priority is DS. AIBU to talk to ex-p? Just need some advice and to guage reactions before I take it up with him. Thanks.

as you used a contact centre, do you still have some one from cafcass or social services that you can discuss this issue with?

I would definately address the situation, do not let it go.

But as there is a history of violence, I would seek proper help.

YANBU. Your son was sleeping in a house with a person that no-one in the household really knows.

At the very least, you should be allowed to know his name and a bit of family background. Your ex-p should want to protect his son too, so shouldn't object to that, although clearly he doesn't want to insult his gf.

If you have this man's name and approximate age, maybe you could ask the police to check him out and at least tell you he doesn't have a relevant record. You don't have to tell your ex what you are doing. No point in upsetting anyone if you don't need to but it would give you a little peace of mind.

I think YANBU as well - how amicable is the situation with your ex? Is he likely to listen sensibly or blow up at you for being neurotic (which you're not at all, imo)

Your ex should really think about these things for himself but I know that sometimes some men just don't.

I agree YANBU at all. Your DS is your top priority if you feel uneasy about it you should do something.

Just FYI, the police are not going to tell you anything about his history. It's illegal for them to disclose any history they may or may not have. Even telling you he has no history is technically not allowed.

Thanks for all your replies. You've put my mind at rest that I'm not being neurotic (as I'm sure ex will say).

We don't have A CAFCASS caseworker involved any longer but I could speak directly to the contact centre officer who I got to know quite well. I'm sure she'll advise me.

I have a feeling that this isn't going to go down well with ex and especially his gf which is why I'm worried about speaking to him. . Triggles - can't the police do a background check if there has been previous cause for concern in regards to DS's safety around ex? I suppose it would infringe on the rights of this man though as he wasn't involved in that. I couldn't openly go to the police anyway as that would definitely invoke abuse from ex.

I would say speaking to the contact centre officer would be a good avenue for you right now. The problem is that the police have no valid reason to check into his history, unless he is perceived as some type of actual risk to your DS. He is only staying there - you have no specific info that this visitor is involved in drugs, alcohol, crime, violence..anything really. No threats or untoward behaviour that you are aware of, and nothing particularly towards your DS.

Unfortunately, it's somewhat akin to maybe your ex bringing home a girlfriend for the night that he doesn't particularly know well, or letting a mate kip on the couch for the night. You can't run every person that goes through your ex's home by the police, or even know their history/background. (Let's face it, would you want your ex to be able to demand this of you?!?) Can you simply speak to your ex, quietly and calmly, and ask him if he can simply keep a cautious eye out in regards to this visitor until he knows him better? I know it's not ideal, but it's probably the best you're going to get.