to be confused by ex and access?

[Narabug]

Hi all,

I'm very aaaaaaarrrgghh! tonight.

Basically, me and DD's dad are seperated, he is supposed to have his access on Friday from next week as I am back at work then and he has arranged to have this day off to be with her. We arranged for him to take her from last week in just the afternoons so he can get used to doing solo care for her, and she can get used to him looking after her.

BUT, last week he had a headache, and this week he has 'some things planned' so won't take her until 3pm, then bring her back at 4:30pm for her tea. And he wont take her next week (my first week back at work) as he is needed in work, fortunately its a bank hol and I have it off from work.

But then he bleats at me about not being able to see his daughter, saying I've started putting her to bed too early so he can't see her after work, and saying that its not fair for me to take her to visit my family who are 300 miles away, even though he had a week off during that fortnight and was repeatedly invited too.

I hate that I feel like my precious baby is an inconvenience to him, or a chore, or something to be gotten out of. She is only 10 months old. I would pull my left arm off to be able to stay at home with her every day and not go back to work, so secretly I'm thrilled that I have that Friday with her. I'm so worried she'll grow up feeling rejected by him, and apparently he he wants to see her, says he loves her, buys her things, Hallmark parenting, if you know what I mean.

To top it all off I keep having dreams about when things were good with us and its so hard, I'm in tears most mornings

Am I being unreasonable? Or am I just a tired, stressed and sad single mum who is a long way away from home with very little support?

Narabug - you are me 3 years ago!

Is the contact agreement between the two of you, or was the courts involved? Do you have any other options for childcare when your at work so that you don't have to rely on him to look after your DD? That way you can arrange contact sepearte and make sure that you are both happy with the arrangements.

It will get easier - trust me! Your tired and stressed, have a long bath and a good nights sleep

I don't think you're being unreasonable. So what if he had a headache - painkillers exist for a reason. I'm sure that you have had to look after your dd when you've had a headache. And if he says he has time off work, I think he should do everything he possibly can to make sure that happens. And what are these things he has planned? Could they not wait until the weekend? Has he so little time to himself that he has to cancel seeing his own daughter to do "things"? I would be annoyed but only you know how unreasonable he is being due to the nature of said "things" and how much he is really "needed" at work. You both need to make arrangements that he can stick to come hell or high water.

I don't think I would want to spend time with my ex's family, mind you. I wouldn't expect him to go along for that, but then I don't think there is anything wrong with you taking your child to see her family - it's important, so he shouldn't be narked at you for that.

I'm sorry you feel so sad, but at some point you find a way to get on with your life and you will get past this. I am also away from family and single and have very little support. I can't really advise you on this as I am very shy and things haven't improved in that area for the past 4 years. There are ways of meeting people, I'm just to scared to do it. I'm sure you will do better than me

He certainly seems to be being abit of a knob. Going by what you know of him, is he behaving like this because he thinks that only he and his convenience matter, or is he mucking you about to 'punish' you for not being his partner any more?

Sounds to me like he is scared of having her on his own. My wonderful DH was fantastic all the time we were in hospital with (very prem) DS, with all the tube feeding and the wires and machines that went beep etc (which all scared me rigid!)However, when we finally got home (he'd been back at work a few weeks by then) he was RUBBISH - wouldn't do anything. turned out he was scared rigid by the idea of hurting DS now there were no nursing staff to keep a watchful eye on him.

He clearly hasn't had her on his own much and if he hasn't had much to do with babies he might be really intimidated by it.Does he have any support?

Having said all that it's not on for him to mess you about re work, and you need to make it clear that after next week you regard it as his responsibility to arrange (and pay for) childcare if he is 'not available' to take care of her.

Hi,

I get what you are saying Tanga, but according to ex it is me who is rubbish with DD, I endanger her apparently, he is good with her, and besides he lives with his parents who would be there with him when he has her so he would never actually needingly be alone as such.

And SolidGold, I totally know what you mean, and that is exactly what it feels like sometimes, I am to be punished. I deserve it.

Thank you for all your responses

Jx

OK if he is messing about with access in order to harass you, you need to get it formalised and keep your contact with him to a minimum. The only way to deal with an XP who is determined to make your life difficult is to make sure you are not dependent on him in any way, be calm and civil in your dealins with him and refuse to engage in any squabbles. Remember, while a child has a right to a relationship with his/her father, an XP does NOT have a right to a relationship of any kind with you.

Hi Nara,

I can utterly sympathise with you here as my ex is much the same (DS was 9 months when we split) and it astonished me that my ex could move countries when we did. He then started going on about how I was blocking access etc etc.

Anyway, from a practical point of view if you don't have court approved arrangements in place, make sure you have a written record of all the offers for contact you make (from now on if you have't already). If it does get to court it's likely to get unpleasant and you'll need all the evidence you can find to prove you didn't block contact (it's a classic argument put by people attempting to 'win' in court and the evidence I had is why my ex didn't 'win' with that one.

It sounds like he's being mean tbh and don't ever pay any attention to what his opinion is about your care of your daughter. if the pair of you get through each day with some clothes, some food and a few laughs you're doing just fine! If you get out for a walk or sweep the floor, you're amazing! Never mind being back at work as well.

The two things that got me through the early months of being alone, walking with DS (I also lost about 2 stone through this!) Every time I started getting upset I put DS in his pushchair went for a walk, nothing like fresh air for lifitng spirits and raising energy. The other thing I did was make sure no day passed when DS and I hadn't had a good giggle about something and it's so easy to make them laugh at that age. It really helped.

It can be a long road, but don't think too far into the future, just get through the days.

Good luck