To think that this is passive aggressive behaviour?

[madamdelfarge]

Have name changed.

You know- those people who have to be on every single commitee, who take on lots of responsibilities who want to take over everything then give everyone bad vibes and snapping as they are not martyrs too instead of slowing down and asking for help.

I have come across this at work and in play groups. Said people like to take charge and run themselves into the ground then instead of asking for help get really shirty if I take don't do as much as them. Never mind the fact that they don't let others take charge too as they want to be in control.

The other day I got told to do something at a group without her asking please or saying thank you when I did what she asked. She isn't my boss so why did I feel like a subordinate?

Don't get me wrong- I am a hard worker. I am also a team player but I don't respond well to passive aggressive behaviour. If you have a problem with me be upfront and tell me the problem. If you want help ask me kindly to help you and I'll help gladly. Don't huff around resentfully without communicating what's wrong then get in a strop because I'm not a blardy mind reader. Or mabe I'm just not as good as using my initiative as some are.

Communication is key and good communication should INSPIRE people to help. Poor communication makes them bugger off.

And I forgot to mention that these people VOLUNTEER to take on these responsibilities. They are not being coerced.

I don't really see how that is passive aggressive, sorry.

I have no idea what you're ranting about or why you'd namechange to do it either.

Name changing is passive aggressive, non?

I do because if someone has taken on too many responsibilities that is THEIR issue and tehy need either ask for help or drop some of them. Thay need to be clear and direct and not flounce around in a strop. I guess my post isn't very clear. And mabe a bit passive aggressive!

who is flouncing around in a strop? take a look a bit closer

YANBU to dislike bad leadership (controlling, bossy, cliquey, self-righteous and huffy).

I agree with you completely, absolutely and without exception. I have a family member who does the same thing - she's the busiest person in the whole world and no one, anywhere, ever has ever ever ever done a thing to help her. Ever. And she doesn't like to ask....Gah!

I think I know what you mean, and my mother does it. She makes herself a martyr and no-one can get in the way of her being a martyr. We went on a family holiday in a country cottage and each of my siblings just left, one a day, leaving me, ds and mother. It was utterly unbearable and on the Wednesday morning I took ds and spent the rest of the week at a friend's house nearby, which was bliss. She got my father to stay with her for the rest of the week.

She is on LOTS of committees and was chairman of governors at a big (and problematic) school and I do wonder whether she has the same affect on them as she has on her own family. That awful week was the closest I have ever come to killing someone. Mum was bending down in the kitchen and I had a frying pan in my hand and I thought one good whack and it would all be over. That's when I realised I HAD to go.

If people want to sacrifice themselves at the alter of martyrdom let them! Repeat your offer of help, be assertive yourself (spell out what you want from them) and leave them ...

You also just described my mum - Staggers, I know what you mean! I live in another country to my folks, but sometimes when my children and I stay with them, my mum reverts to type and I feel like a naughty teenager again ....

Control-freak behaviour. They want to control everything in their lives, and yours too. And it's an impossible task. So they lose the plot!

I'm glad that some people know whta I am on about.

For eg; went to this group the other day. Two people run it and they are doing a great job but obviously have a lot on their plates. I got there early and said a cheery hello. Silence. Atmoshere. On eof them told me to get something out of the cupboard without saying please or thank you and was claerly in a strop. I got the box out plonked it down and was so uninspired to help I sat there and texted my mates.

If she had asked- please can you help us set the group up as we are struggling I would have gladly helped and done more. I will help anyone who treats me with respect.
I cannot be dealing with stroppy sulking.

Mind you- i had a bit of a stroppy sulk due to stroppy sulking atmosphere!

Can I just point out that the OP is madamdelfarge, and i am MadameDefarge.

I would be happier if you namechanged to something less similar to my usual name. Please.

Or maybe you could name change yourself?

I know of these stroppy people. I have suffered them - but not for long enough to be seriously pissed off.

Unfortunately, they abound in every area where time needs to be donated voluntarily and you simply cannot compare their abilities to lead and manage as you would in the world of paid work.

Best to treat them like buffoons, imho.

TheLady, I never namechange. Its one of my things. (well, I do when its just for character changes on fun threads, but not for anything else).

So this OP needs to find a new name. If I want to alienate people I'd rather do it with my own opinions.

Please change.

Getdown, why should I change my usual name for the last year because some wants to namechange (ie, they already have a usual name) to something way too similar to mine? whats with the aggression? Its a reasonable enough request.

What aggression? Sorry if you read my post as aggressive which it was not.

Just wondered why you couldn't change your own name rather than insisting on someone else changing theirs, but hadn't appreciated theirs was only a temporary name change - and it is v. similar to yours!

sorry, thought you were stropping at my unreasonable request!

But all is clear now.

friends again

OP, you have a choice. You don't have to take their orders.

You can say "No."
You can say "Are you going to say please then?" or "What's the magic word?"
You can do it, and say "That's very kind of you, thanks so much. Why you're welcome ."
You can tug your fringe and say "yes boss, whatever you say boss, when I've finished this I'll send me kids up the chimney shall I boss?"

You have so many options you could use a different one every week for a year.

indeedy

it's easy to say these are volunteer roles but i joined a group to help out when there was a woman in charge, a second in charge, and two others... 12 months later and the first, then second in charge have both left. i've been basically forced into being joint in-charge with another and there are only now three of us in total.

i'd now like to leave too but if i did the group couldn't run with just the other two due to quotas

don't get me wrong, if something terrible happened in my family i'd give up the group and let it fold but right now i don't feel i can just because i'd like more time to myself and to feel a little more care-free.

as to asking for help - we do and have and continue to.. but it's not been forthcoming so far.