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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I Have Said Something

43 replies

Bathsheba · 24/03/2010 16:07

Every week I go to a Women's group at my church. They run a creche for little ones and a music and craft group for preschoolers at the same time, so as to give the women a break, and so our group is essentially a child free atmosphere (except for 2 very new babies who stay with Mums).

About 2 months ago a family started coming (Mum and 3 sisters - they rarely all come on the same day so its a bit of a combination of them). 2 of the sisters have pre-school aged children but they NEVER put them in the Creche or the Preschool group - never even tried - "they won't like it" - so they stay in the large room with the women for the women's group. Now these children run around for the entire group - its a very large room so it is heaven for little ones, but they never stop them, never try and contain them and frankly they are disruptive to what should be a child free time. Today they did no attend the session.
But the Mother and one of the sisters appeared right at the end.

I was feeding my 10 week old and her pram was right beside us. Whilst we were feeding, the child (We'll call her Suzy) came right over and was pulling on the cosy toes of the pram, climbing up on the wheels - presumably in her mind to see the baby. I could hear her Mum gently saying "No Suzy..."...Suzy carried on climbing. I basically turned round and said, firmly but not loudly "Suzy No."

Suzy stopped what she was doing and went off to play. not upset, not traumatised.

I saw the Mum heading towards me and I thought she was going to come over, have a chat and apologise. What she actually did was storm over and say "If you don't mind, I'll tell her what to do and what not to do".

I replied that basically my pram wasn;t a plaything and that she needs to interveen a lot earlier. This degererated into basically an argument - her stance being that Suzy is "Only a little child" and mine being that she needed top tell Suzy what she could and couldn't do.

They then left.

I burst into tears because I really hate confrontation of any sort.

The problem is that its a lovely friendly church group, and as such no-one has said to them that really the children shouldn;t be in the main room - they have never even tried them in the creche.

I know my baby wasn't in the pram, but she had been 10 minutes earlier, and Suzy could easily have tipped the pram over clambering to see that baby. My pram isn;t a plaything or a climbing frame - NO-ONE's pram is and, like I say, the child was FINE with me saying to her No.

I'm now kicking myself that I should just have shut upinstead of causing animosity. My friend has already stopped attending this group because she can't relax and enjoy the session with their children running around.

So, WIBU to have said something

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 24/03/2010 16:40

But Bathsheba. Isn't that what the Church is for ?

(I'm an atheist myself, but when I suffered from PND, one of the church groups near me was full of most lovely and supportive people).

Ignore me. I'm slightly playing Devil's Advocate, because I'm pretty sure I'd have done the same as you, and feel the same as you about these women and their DCs

Bathsheba · 24/03/2010 16:52

Church is for that...but not EVERY group the church runs....

We run a Toddler group - and I'm sure the leaders are happy for families with issues to come, but the group still essentially, for the other members, need to retain some semblance of a Toddler group, rather than morphing over time into a Familieis in Crisis support group...There are other avenues in our church (our Pastor, our full time Community Worker, our Parish Nursing scheme, our Community Cafe) for people to access support....

This is a fantastic women's group, catering for local women, not by any means all church goers, from their mid twenties to their mid 80s. We have craft sessions, we have exercise sessions, we've had talks from the local fire dept and coast guard and the Breast Awareness team for example. There are women there with no children, women with grown up children, women with lots of little children and the group has managed to gell over the years with all of these different women...

It would be a shame to see it broken up because people no longer felt comfortable or relaxed because of some children running around.

Like Is ay, I have a friedn who has stopped going, simply because of this family because she can no longer relax in the setting - if she had been tehre today she'd have been a lot more forthright and not nearly as jittery after it, as I am...

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 24/03/2010 17:00

Bathsheba, your church sounds really great, and you make a good point.

I get shaky, even tearful after asserting myself. Crap, isn't it ? After that event I mentioned earlier with a friend's baby, I spent HOURs thinking of things I could have said to that other mother. Gah !!!

LaurieFairyCake · 24/03/2010 17:03

Yanbu

I would have been much more firm and would have said "intervene earlier then as my pram is not a toy for children to climb over".

You didn't cause animosity - you stuck to your point of view and that's fine.

Bathsheba · 24/03/2010 17:04

Jamie - thats exactly where I am...I so wish I had either not said anything to Suzy, or just mumbled "okay" to Suzy's Mum rather than it becoming a very unclassy argument...

I'm fairly glad most people were packing up and going and very few would have known it was going on....

OP posts:
Bathsheba · 24/03/2010 17:05

Oh Laurie I WISH I had just said that....

Well actually I think I essentially did because I told her that my pram was not for playing on, and that was when she told me "She's just a little child"...

OP posts:
bunnylicious · 24/03/2010 17:11

When suzi ignored her Mum saying no her Mum should have been right over there physically removing her away from the pram and distracting her with something else.

The Mum either doesn't care about anyone else or felt embarassed at her inability to control her child.

Either way YANBU!

StuffedFullOfNothing · 24/03/2010 17:16

YANBU.

She should have gotten up immediately to get Suzy down by force!

bintofbohemia · 24/03/2010 17:16

"She's just a little child"... yes, and that's why they have parents, to keep them out of trouble and teach them how to grow up. She sounds dense.

Bathsheba · 24/03/2010 21:25

Thanks everyone - I'm off to bed as I'm absolutely shattered (which of course probably contributed to my shortness this afternoon) - I know I'll still keep replaying it all over and over again, and wishing I had responded differently or just managed to bite my tongue, but its good to know that the consensus is that I wasn't wrong and I'm not completely rubbish.

OP posts:
troublewithtalk · 24/03/2010 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 24/03/2010 21:45

YANBU i would have said more, you were actually quite controlled. I would have said to the mother that this group is for adults only, and that children should either be in the pre school group or the creche.

ZacharyQuack · 24/03/2010 21:52

Poor little Suzy sounds bored and would probably love playing with some other children in the preschool group.

YANBU

Mermaidspam · 24/03/2010 22:22

YANBU - actually, if it were my child (and I hadn't noticed or was distracted) I would expect you to say something to her.

What's all that village to raise a child bumpf?

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 24/03/2010 22:44

YADNBU. People need to learn to control their children, and if that means the child doesn't like what they say for a while, then tough. it's a lesson we all have to learn in life.
Hope it's all ok for you next time.

Raspberryjam · 24/03/2010 22:47

YANBU - It sounds like the mother you had the confrontation with doesn't ever tell her child not to do something - and she also sounds like a bit of selfish person. Don't fell bullied by her - if she had any sense she would have defused the situation and spoken to her child quietly - it sounds like they are completely ruining the group for a lot of people and are oblivious to that fact.
Stand your ground on this one - it doesn't feel good when someone reacts like that towards you, but I think you acted entirely appropriately!

LittleSilver · 24/03/2010 22:50

yanbu at all.

MrsPixie · 25/03/2010 10:40

YANBU please have a word

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