AIBU - Small children and phone calls from Ex husbands

[shoptilidrop]

DD is 4. her dad does have her every other weekend when he is around. other than that he has no contact/input into her life at all. He doesnt even know where she goes to nursery!
Anyway, Sometimes he phones her, sometimes he doesnt. I have tried for about a year to get him to phone on a regular set day but to no avail.

I got a text from him last night - it read:
FFS get off your landline im trying to call.

I ignored it, as i was on the phone at the time.

10 mins later i got another one-
FFS is there a reason you have not picked up my calls for the last two nights. I demand to speak to my child.

I replied about 30 mins later, when i had finished my phone call. I said. Sorry i was on the phone. We are not in tomorrow, but you can call thursday and we should be about.

At which point he called me and went mental aat me. I refused to be drawn into the argument. i dont see that i should stay in and off the phone on the off chance that he wants to call his daughter. Incidentally, he says he called for two days in a row, but i did not hear the phone call the day before.
its possible that i was outside, or in the shower, or any other reason.

I just wondered if i was bu, or if he is just being the dick he normally is.

no yanbu....he is,of course!

Sounds like a dick to me. I guess, being generous-minded, maybe he had been looking forward to talking to his daughter and got frustrated. But really, no, he sounds horrible.

well, he might have been looking forward to calling her, but he hasnt called or spoken to her since last thursday.

There is no restriction on when he can call. AND we were off all day yesterday, which he knew about, so he could have called at any time.

defitinely NOT unreasonable.

Sound like he was after a row and thought of you. If he was genuinely wanting to speak to you DD he would not have started the text with FFS. he would have made a polite request, like hi wanted to speak to dd when's a good time to call?

My ex calls every now and then but i dont always let him speak to her - as he will call just as we are getting ready to go out, have lunch or two minutes before bedtime. So i say no and let him know when he can call back, and when he does I will ask her does she want to speak to daddy - so he can hear - and if she says no, I tell him he will have to try another day/time.

so you were reasonable to offer him a better time to call. if he doesnt call then, that will tell you he was spoiling for a fight, not a chance to speak to your dd.

your ex cant expect you to stay in and off the phone in case he calls.

Stay strong, stay firm and next time suggest a good time to call and if he calls at a different time thats not convenient to you and dd dont speak to him, he will have to accept thats just life.

There's nothing to stop him texting you and saying "would love to speak with dd - can you call back with her or let me know when she's free?".

Going straight to angry is not a reasonable response at all. Would he react like this to a work colleague?

sounds like he went straight to angry cos he thought you were being deliberately obstructive though? It doesn't benefit your dd to have her 2 parents fighting and this sounds like one that didn't need to happen.

if it was your mum or someone else texting you to say they were tying to get through, would you have carried on leisurely for another 30 minutes? maybe you would? I don't know, just playing devil's advocate here.

Maybe you could have texted back to say you'd call as soon as you were off the phone so he knew you were not being difficult on purpose?

I know if I tried to call home and dh was on the phone, and then texted to say I was trying to get through I would be really pissed off with him tbh if he carried on for 30 minutes, and I see my kids every day. If I knew I wasn't going to see them I think I'd be even more angry.

Just trying to see things from his point ov, but am sorry it all sounds so angry and uncooperative bwn you two.

yanbu! Give him 2 set day's a week with say a 1 1/2 hour period, where you are going to be at home. let's say in the morning between 7 & 9, or in the evening between 4 & 7, times when you are going to be in for sure. Tell him the times & say you will be around at those times, but explain that if you dont answer, it may be because you are in the shower, bathing dd, etc. He's the one that doesnt see her much, so he shouldnt just expect to have contact at the drop of a hat! Good luck. x

YANBU but Ernest makes some good points above.

He went straight to angry because she dared to be on the phone when he rang though. He got an engaged tone and straight away sent her a text swearing at her.

That doesn't seem reasonable to me.

Also OP I'm not sure whether you mean you didn't reply to his text as you were on the phone, or you didn't even look at the text until you were off the phone? Not that it makes any difference really...

hmmmmm, sounds just like my ex!

I have agreed that i will make sure the phone is answered on a set day at a set time (when I know he isn't working) and any other times he can try and call but I make no garantee's.

he is being unreasonable. young kids need to know when their dad will speak to them, I think it is better to never call than to call randomly.

I can see why hes your ex!

YANBU

Why doesn't he just call the mobile if you are on the land line?

dick for definite

Well its kind of hard to know whether YABU as we have only heard your POV.

So, not saying yiYABU but just trying to play devil's advocate like Ernest did:

• You say he has no contact/input into her life at all and he doesnt even know where she goes to nursery. Is that entirely through his own choice or have you been deliberately sparing with the information / contact he gets?

• That must have been a marathon call - at least 40 minutes - are you absolutely sure you didn't spin it out on purpose because you knew he was trying to get through?

• I realise you can't just stay in and off the phone for his convenience but you must see how frustrating it was for him if he had tried to call three nights in a row and the first two he didn't get an answer and the third you were permanently engaged. Not your fault but it is easy to understand why the conversation would kick off on the wrong foot.

I'm not sure if YABU, as others said this is only your side of the story. It's generally difficult for NRPs to have to work around RPs schedule and tread on eggshells daily in order to be able to speak to their own children.
He hasn't handled it well, but there's no way you don't have any responsibility for the way things are between you atm.

I agree with 5foot5

he might be the worlds largest TWAT to you, but he is her dad. can you imagine trying to speak to your kid and not being able to get though? I'd never underestimate how much he loves her. why does he have to call on a "set day", are you that busy?

I just feel so sad for dads that only see their kids every other weekend thats all

he is obv angry and taking it out on you, but be honest, do you make it easy for him to see her??? to talk to her?? does not sound like it to me...

I dont know the background, so am just going on the OP post...

ive not been sparing with contact. Ive even changed plans last min so he can see more of her.
If he wanted to see her in the week he could. But he lives an hour away and he says its too far to come.

He can call her any time he likes. Ive never stopped him calling apart from when he is abusive to me.

If dd says she wants to call him i let her. but he often does not pick up.

I didnt spin out the conversation. I was on the phone and didnt end it just because he wanted to speak to dd. I dont see why i should stop what im doing to facilliate him.

He has no input in her life though his own choice. He simply is not interested. TBH when we were married he didnt either. so thats not any different.

He said he had tried to call 2 nights in a row. I dont see how its my problem if im on the phone/am out/busy and dont pick up.

I have tried the set day thing, so we would know what day/time he would call to try and make sure we pick up the phone. But he wont agree to that, so i think he just needs to accept that sometimes hes not going to get through.

YANBU

He only lives an hour away, most people commute that to work everyday. If he wants to see her more/speak to her more he needs to put plans in place. You have offered him regular alls/visits etc but he doesn't want that - therefore he cannot expect you to just sit around the house and not use the phone just in case he wants to call... that is totally unreasonable.

I, personally, think 'good on you, for not being controlled by guilt.

Thanks.

i dont think i should feel guilty for his failings or inability to do things.
Thats his problem and i spent far to many years pandering to him and making excuses for him to keep doing it now.

I kind of think that as long as i make access to her avaliable, which i do all the time. Hell, i even drive halfway sometimes to take her to him. Then the rest is up to him.

If he phones and im on the phone im not going to cut my conversation short. i wouldnt normally do that and 40 mins is not really that long a phone call in my house ;) Or if he phones and we are out, again, not my problem.

Ive also said in the past about webcams/letters or whatever, but he says he doesnt want to or doesnt have the time. But thats just beacuse its easier to blame me.

hey fair enough, I was just going by what you said in the OP, I do have strong feeling about dads not seeing their kids, but now it does not sound to me like like you are preventing this, its hard as the first messages are so easy to interpret.....

It does sound like there is an opportunity for you to talk and revisit his acess, you can always be the bugger poerson and say "given recent issues do you want to look again", then if hes a twat, well you have done what you can....

agree if he is only 1 hour away he is being super crap

good luck

thats a fair point. but i dont see why i should chase him up for more access.
WHY should i hastle him to get his arse in gear to seee his child more.

hes a 32 year old man ffs, not a child and i am not his mother.

Its rubbish dads not seeing their kids. i agree, and i fought tooth and nail to keep firstly my marriage together, then to try to get him to be a better parent with more frequent access. the only person it hurts is me. beacuse he will never be responsible, he will never care about anyone other than himself
and his actions will always be my fault

Blimey, are you sure you're not me?

Mine is just the same only he ALWAYS calls my mobile which I'm not good at having with me, and sometimes it's off etc. He refuses to call the landline or my husband's phone despite the fact that in the evenings at least one of those phones is always with our son.

I wouldn't tolerate the aggression, it's just a controlling thing. He can phone the mobile.

Idiot. I know how hard you can work to keep them together... in the end it's up to him

Hi ShoptiliD. My ex used to call at the same time every week. It worked great. He doesn't do this now so I find it hard to organise social etc. He can ring when he likes but I don't answer if it is bed/bath time. He is emigrating to Aus. I can't imagine how calls/cam are going to fit into the time difference.