to be miffed with DH?

[Gargula]

I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant with second child and will have to have a CS (low lying placenta and breech).
My husband gets 2 weeks basic paternity leave which he will take but he's already talking about how he will need to "pop into" work during that time.
AIBU in thinking that perhaps he should try and stay with us during the first two weeks? I'm not sure about CS but I thought I couldn't lift anything heavy (such as a two year old DS) for the first few weeks and I may be a little sore?
I do respect the fact that he works and provides for us but I will have no-one else to help me, how feasible is it that I will be able to look after baby, toddler and me within a few days of a CS?
Had a row about it this morning and I threw my dummy out of the pram but am still pretty glum that he can't commit to just two weeks off.

If he only has to 'pop' in for a couple of hours then YABU, you will cope.

If he'll be 'popping' in for a whole working day i.e 8-6 then YANBU. He legally gets two weeks, he should be taking it.

I think popping in for an hour or so will be ok providing he times it ok - i.e. if your DS is having a nap.

I had a CS and was up and about after 24hrs and whilst I couldn't do any heavy lifting I felt able to do most things after a few days.

Perhaps you could arrange it so he pops to the office when you have a visitor around to lend a hand? People are always desperate to see new babies!

dh did the popping in thing (he is teacher), it actually worked out ok as it was nice to have a bit of (relative) peace for an hour or so without him fussing

as long as it is "popping in" and not vanishing for half a day, then i expect you will be fine

My dh didnt take much time off really just a day here and there my sis did come over to help when i had my 2nd ds as i had an emergency cs section, due to being breech. It was hard but taking it bit by bit helps. You will know what positions you are comfy in. And what you can and cant do. Also if you have to go out get a baby carrier, i found it more comfy having baby on me than having a buggy, just remember to relax as much as you can.

I think it depends on your dh - with mine "popping in" or checking emails would be the thin end of a very thick wedge (he is the boss and just doesn't believe the can cope without him). My dh was completely banned from any aspect of 'the office' during paternity leave - frankly I needed the help and his staff needed the break.

What would he have to do during 'the pop' that is so important? Could it be done by phone?

Thanks for your messages everyone - helps to have a bit of perspective.
I do worry that the "popping in" will turn into 6 hours or so but I know I also have a habit of imagining the worse case scenarios. Not helped by the fact that I really don't know how bad a CS is to recover from.
wb god only knows what he feels he will have to "pop in" for - bless him I think he thinks he's indispensible at work and the company will collapse if he is away. He'll probably be disappointed if they don't phone!

If 'pop' means a couple of hours then YABU, if it means the best part of the day then YANBU.

He's probobly trying to keep his employer sweet, as his family's livelyhood depends on that, and with pressure from work not to vanish off the face of the planet for two weeks and pressure from home not to vanish at all, he probobly feels like he's between a rock and a hard place trying to keep everyone happy..

do you think maybe he's not realising yet what it will be like?

If he does need to 'pop in' then I agree that it might be best to sort it so you have a visitor round at that point.

My DH's job means he's likely to have to nip and do bits and pieces of work during his paternity leave, I'm not bothered by it, will be good for him to get a break for baby (and me ) and it is his job that means we could afford for me to have the baby and take a decent chunk of time off work. I would expect him to try and plan to do the work at times when I don't need him though.

Gargula, I had an elective CS and had no problems at all with recovery, I had to be regularly told to sit down and rest as I didn't feel like I'd had major surgery and wanted to go and do stuff like register DD's birth and so on. So you might be absolutely fine.

I'm sure he wouldn't pop into to work if your stranded immobile on the couch anyway, only if you're coping ok

He'll see. He can get the measure of it at the time.
So, as long as he isn't making any commitments to work during that time, and promising to pop in at certain times, I think he'll be okay to grab an opportunity as and when there might be one.

Yeah I'm probably overreacting - must try to relax!
Lucky thanks for sharing your experience of an elective CS. I hope that's how I'll be!
My big fear is that I'll go into labour early (have already passed the time when I gave birth to DS) and have to have an emergency CS in the middle of the night! (Did I mention i was a worrier!!)

I've had one emergency and two elective sections and the only problems I had once I got home was my hubby constantly nagging to stop doing things

You are not supposed to lift things for a few weeks but picking up my 2yr old was fine and I was out and about shopping etc with DH as soon as I was home.

On the other hand remember to be 'ill enough' so you can get your oh to do the housework and cooking

Will he be able to take back the hours he pops in and use them to lengthen the pat leave after the 2 weeks is up?

I've had 2 CSs, you're pretty immobile for the first few weeks, but can be quite nice to have a bit of alone time with the baby as well.

Hope you get it sorted...

SK

I'm definitely with SK - if he does have to pop in, then make sure that it is under sufferance and that only if it means he is able to pop home early or go in late afterwards occasionally too.

and also make sure he realises that, if he is popping into work, it is not the hours that he is in the office that count, it is the hours that he is away from you that are important!

Gargula - I was meant to stay in for three nights, but they chucked me out after two, saying I was disgustingly healthy and they needed the bed! :D Am sure you'll be absolutely fine.

I worried about going into labour early as well but they reassured me that as long as I get to the hospital fairly fast they can still do the spinal block and so on, the way they put it was "exactly the same things will happen to you, we'll just do it all slightly faster!" Unless you're going to give birth in 30 minutes from twinge to delivery then you wont be having a crash emergency caesarian.

well it depends what his job is but unless it is something that really cant be done by anyone else I really dont see why he would need to pop in! If I booked a day off I wouldnt expect to have to go in? maybe I am unreasonable here but I would expect my husband to actually be on leave during his paternity leave. I know I would cope without him and have done when he wasnt entitled to paternity leave but I would be confused as to why he was going in!

Agree with fernie3. If your dh has 2 wks paternity leave, he should take it and be at home with you and dc end of.
He has commitments to you at this time, and how you will be after the CS or whether you will cope without him, is to my mind irrelevant. He has had your whole pregnancy to sort out his work schedule and short of an earthquake or similar Im sure work will survive without him and still be there at the end of his paternity leave.
The first few weeks with a new baby are special, but tiring for everyone. You also have a toddler who will have to adjust to new baby too-your dh could spend lots of time with him,especially as you say, you wont have any other help.
Enjoy your new baby.

I had an elective CS when my firstborn was just over 18mo. My then huband went back to work 2 days after I came home and I was surprised at how well I coped tbh. I was sent home with just paracetamol for pain relief (DD2 born on Monday morning, we came home at Thursday lunchtime), took 2 over the course of the next 2 days and although obviously I wasn't my normal active self I had no real problems. I was hoovering the entirety of my 3 bed house within 3 weeks, carrying the vac up and down stairs and did so with assistance with the carrying within about 3 days of coming home. (By god it needed it by then, I had 2 dogs as well as a toddler!).

I don't know if my experience was unusual, pwehaps other mums who have had an elective CS can comment? Also, maybe the fact that mine was elective, as yours is to be, made the difference. Possibly things would be harder if it was an emergency CS?

All that said, my ex husband was a complete ass and left me to it... I'm sure that yours is not like that and will support you and help all he can. If he's doing so and is absent for just a couple of hours here and there I'd very much like to think that you'll be absolutely fine.

One bit of advice though... if and when others offer to help, by taking your toddler for a short while, shopping, cleanng or whatever, don't feel rude in saying yes. Such help will be precious and very valuable.

Good luck, I hope it all goes as smoothly as my CS did.