AIBU to not keep reminding DS1 age 12 to do his homework?

[Tortoise]

They give out home learning homework for certain subjects at his secondary school. This is to be completed over a set amount of weeks and states how many hours per week is recommended.

I have reminded him often that he needs to make a start on it and he has done none of it despite having had it for over a week.

AIBU to just let him get in trouble this time? I helped him a lot with the last one and made him do it regularly. I have had enough this time and think he should take more responsibility for his own work. He is nearly 13 and in his 2nd year of secondary.

Can't you think of some way of motivating him to get it done. A particular favourite food once he starts work perhaps?

I think if you want him to remain positive about school you need to keep after him.

He may not thank you when you're chasing him but he'll be much happier and more relaxed at school when he can turn in completed work.

I would just let him suffer the consequences of not doing it- he'll soon learn if he gets a bollocking/detention from school!

i agree, let him do this alone to encourage self motivation. Better now than at gcse time or will you keep onto him through gcse, a levels, degree, work deadlines?....

Oooh we have the same trouble with DS1 who will be 13 in June. Not sure if it is a boy thing?

We ask to see what homework he has completed every evening and what he has got to do/left to do and if we think it isn't good enough we make him do it again. He does get all defensive over it.

Sometimes though you can only help them so much and after that they need to suffer the consequences.

Well ,why not try leaving him to get on with it ?
If he gets into trouble and it motivates him ,job done .
As said ,better now than GSCE .
If it doesn't work - school don't care /he doesn't care ,you could think of another plan,as suggested above -motivating and all that jazz.
Pain tho it is ,in my experience .

I think at this age/stage I would still be more insistent about making him do it/seeing what he's done, but in as proactive a way as possible.

IME it can take them a couple of years to get into the whole self-motivation/self-supervision way of working.

If, though, your efforts aren't working, then I would have a word with his tutor and ask their advice.

Ultimately they do have to learn to do it themselves, and sometimes they need to suffer the consequences without being protected by their parents.

Another thing to consider, based on our own experience, is that your son will be different from you and from your dp and will have his own way of working. If you're someone who likes to be prepared and do things in advance, but he is a last minute merchant, then prepare yourself for lots of angst!

DS1 is like this and although he gets things done eventually, and usually quite well it would seem, it drives my DH mad and he can get quite cross about it, which doesn't help the situation at all.

Rather than reminding him, have you tried asking him what his plan of action is to get the work completed? What assistance does he need from you? He needs to get to grips with this now rather than when its exam time and he needs to be able to take responsibilty for it himself.

I have stopped nagging DD age 10 to do her homework as I find banning computer use much more effective (She still doesn't do it, but they have to learn to be responsible for themselves and motivate themselves)

I would ask him at the end of the week "So, have you done the X hours they suggested for Y project?" If the answer is no, then I'd say "So, how are you planning to schedule those extra hours in next week then?" and encourage him to plan a slot/slots for it into the week. Then maybe one enquiry midweek whether he's done what he planned.

I think for a longterm piece of work, it's better to bite your tongue and only "enquire" about it infrequently as a reminder, or he will not get into the habit of making his own plans and taking responsibility for it.

It's definitely a boy thing! DS1 (17) is currently tied to the dining room table at nights to ensure enough A level revision is going on!
Let him learn by a few detentions, but be aware that most boys require a fair bit of guidance and supervision to learn to succeed.
His senior school said boys are always late for coursework deadlines as they only started it a few nights ago, and girls because they've been working on it for months and still aren't happy in 99% of all cases.
I've found that we do need to keep a close eye on him to ensure he's up to date, and still help him plan his revision etc. Luckily he plans to go to Uni within an hours drive so we can keep an eye on him.
He's a typically bright boy with no common sense or organisational skills, many of you may be married to an older version???

DS (year &) doesn't have this issue because he isn't given long term projects. He gets set homework every week and has to hand it in the next week.

I think that if it is homework it is the responsibility of the parent to make sure the child is doing it, not the school. I think that many children of 12 would struggle with the time management required to complete a long term project if no structure was being put in place. My younger child is not set homework at all as she is in still primary school, but she knows that when she gets in she has to do some Maths and play her violin, and my older child has to do his homework every night.

So I would tell your son that he to sit down every school night at a set time and do X amount of time on his project. Once that rule is in place, it will eventually become a habit that is in place for the rest of his academic life - little and often. It will stop being work, or a rule you as the parent will have to enforce. It will simply be an ingrained habit.

If you don't do this, then my concern would be that your DS does the work at the last minute, gets a good mark and has learnt the habit of procrastination. That is not good, because as some point the last minute rush approach will fail, and in all of the months of procrastination before the rush, every project is hanging over head like a nagging worry. That is just a pointless cause of stress.

So I don't think this is about your child learning a lesson from being shown the consequences. I think it is an opportunity for you to insist on good study habits, so that they are ingrained before GCSE.

I would agree that keeping an eye on study time and asking about homework is helpful. My mum never did this and I really struggled with keeping on top of things - I felt that no-one cared whether I did it or not. Luckily, I got myself into gear for GCSEs, A-levels and my degree.

Maybe just asking about it, rather than nagging might be a compromise. Also having some study time where you can see what's going on would also be helpful. Leave him to decide what to do when but as others have said, 45 mins before dinner or something (sat at the dining table) might be good.

I sat in my bedroom and phaffed around, mum never came in so I didn't really get anything started.

I don't get involved in their homework at all unless I am asked.

I used to be heavily involved, but found all that happened was home became nothing but a battleground because of the homework.

School set the homework....and if not done my children can suffer the consequences set by school.

I always back school re the homework - so my lot know it's no good moaning to me about their punishments...so far they have only been punished once each...and all homework since has been done and in on time with no input from myself.

Tbh this 'backing off' by myself has also paid off in other areas...generally they have become more responsible/self sufficient all round.

2DS's in years 7 and 8.

I think Milly's is a great response. My ds is like this too and I was torn between letting him take the consequences and helping him. Someone on here suggested that I help him to organise himself and I think that's kind of what Milly is saying. Not helping him with the homework, but working out a study plan with him with his input. Obviously, he may not stick to it, but perhaps have some reward at the end of the week if he does. I agree that it's a lot to ask a 12 year old boy to do a long term project week by week.. Eventually they need to be able to do this, but at 12 you can imagine the distractions....

I reckon help him to help himself is the best solution!

five - when will you stop "keeping an eye on him"? Will you drive him to job interviews too?

Everything MillyR says. Everything!

My own situ was much like PurpleCrazyHorse's, although I never did quite manage to get my arse in gear and remain to this day a last minute merchant. And yes, that approach had failed for me at times.

Considering all the posts you read from adults who are struggling to get off their arses and get on with their home- (or indeed house) work, a bit of chivvying along is a Good Thing. For many of us time management doesn't come naturally.

I work at a secondary school, mainly with yr10 and 11 pupils. I think often too many parents have abdicated their responsibilities too early; particularly with boys. They do need parents to continue to show an interest: to be aware of what homeworks/courseworks/projects they have to do, to know which are on track and which haven't been started yet and to be actively involved in some ways in ensuring it is completed. This may be where necessary limiting time on computers, X-box, TV etc. when the work is not up-to-date.

Given the wealth of distractions and the addictive nature of computer games, it is easy to see why students find it very hard to self-motivate to get on with the hard slog of work.

ds1 (13) is pretty much self-sufficient in terms of homework. But I always know what homeworks he has, if he wants advice he knows he can come and ask me, and I do remind him if I think he's not getting cracking early enough on a more time-consuming task.

If you've signed a home-school agreement with school, what does that say?

Ours says school expects parents (Lower School) to:

• Take an interest in their child's progress
• Provide good conditions and support for children in doing their homework.
• To monitor the Homework Diary.

Upper School (yr10 & 11):

• To provide support to enable pupils to maximise examination success.
• To monitor the homework diary.
• To monitor your child's progress towards achieving all their targets.
• To assist us in ensuring your child meets all coursework deadlines and completes all homework.

I think I'd lean towards a mix of Milly's solution and letting him find out the hard way.

DH had ILs standing over him making him do homework/coursework and hand it in on time. Then he went to uni and had no idea how to motivate himself or take responsibility for his own learning. He never finished his degree which I know is a great source of regret to him, and has resulted in him having a much-lower paid job than he is capable of doing.

I think that ILs did not equip him for adult life in the slightest. You don't do homework, you do detention; simple. No good mollycoddling them.

That said, |I doubt that a 12 yo has the skills needed to plan ahead and prioritise. Maybe that is somethign you can help him with?

I only have a 4,2 and 10 mo old, so this is fairly new to me. But 4 yo does see me doing my OU work all the time, as well as her DGM doing her PhD, so knows that academic learning isn't something that ever finishes.

If I have a project at work, my boss expects updates as to my progress. He isn't nagging nor is he micro-managing - he's taking an interest and taking responsibility as ultimately he's accountable should I fuck up. He trusts me but he needs to know if there are likely to be any set backs or if his input might be needed.

I think there are a lot of similarities between this set up and that of a pupil and their parents.

As I said before my lot are generally left to just 'get on with it' but..

They do have school homework diaries.

A homework calendar of days when homework is dished out and the day it expected back.

They also have a designated study space...with their own filing cabinet for books, together with a pin board for on-going reminders....so although I don't take much of an active role, I have organised them to have the facilities to study.

That said it appears their homework has escaped into the kitchen - as I have a huge castle model occupying my kitchen side still in drying out mode!

All that organisation eh?!

Thanks for replies.
I will try and help him set up a schedule of work to do and not nag him to do it lol!

Will read thread through again too and take on all the advice.

what roisin said.
at 12 he will already be struggling with hormones; the whole change from primary to secondary is major.
the fact that he does not understand the implications of not doing his 2/3 hours per week means that he needs a bit more support.
i have a 12 year old ds, who just had his first detention. every weekend i set aside 2 hours for him to do his homework. he was struggling to hand in the homework that was set during the week to be handed in that week. i work full time, and was not giving enough reminders during the week, so he learned the hard way.
i think there is a balance between not supporting them and metaphorically wiping their backsides.