To un-ask my parents to look after DS while I'm in labour?

[notanumber]

My sister (from whom I am estranged) has very recently announced her engagement. My second child is due the same weekend of the wedding and my parents had been "booked in" to come to our house and look after DS while DH and I are at the hospital.

So the problem is that there is a clash in terms of my parents commitments on that date
(I will not be invited to the wedding and would not attend even if I were, so that will not be an issue).

Clearly my parents will wish to be at their daughter's wedding and I would not dream of asking them to risk not being.

This being the case, I would like to ask my childminder to look after DS instead. However, my parents will be very hurt by this (they had been very pleased and excited to be "included" in the birth by looking after DS) and I know that they will insist that we still stick to the plan of them doing the job but that we have in place a back-up in case it does all kick off on the wedding weekend.

I realise that this sounds reasonable on their part, particularly as the chances of me having the baby coinciding with the wedding are probably rather slim, but there is definitely a chance of it happening.

The thing is, I'm really very worried about the birth (had a nasty experience last time) and lots of things around it and one thing I really need this time round is to feel in control. Part of that includes DS of course, and who is going to look after him and how.

The crux of it is that I don't want an almost-definite-depending-on-timings-plan-plus-a-back-up-plan, I want a bloody plan that will definitely happen.

I know I'll just pointlessly obsess and stress out over this right up to the wedding / birth (whichever is first!) unless I know that there is a cast-iron plan in place.

So....AIBU to un-ask my parents (which will upset them) so that I can relax about the arrangements for DS while I am in labour?

If you go into labour on the day of the wedding, can they take your ds with them?

I wouldn't unask them

but I would ask the childminder if she's available that particular weekend

then you can relax because you know you have childcare if it does happen yhat weekend

and if it hopefully doesn't your parents can still have ds when it does happen

I feel for them though, it must be awful you not being at the wedding and presumably your sister not being an aunt to your dc
are you sure life isn't too short?

That would seem the obvious thing I know, Quint, but I want him to be in surroundings he knows with people he is comfortable with, not in the middle of a hectic social gathering with no-one's full attention on him.

I also don't think he would especially be welcome there as my sister and I are estranged. She does not know my son.

compo's suggestion is good.

That (imo) is a very definite and clear plan. On certain dates (i.e. all dates apart from the wedding w'end) your parents will have your ds. On the date they are unavailable (due to the wedding) your cm will have him.

I would suggest you definitely don't "un ask" them".

notanumber, I don't think yabu at all; I know exactly where you are coming from and like thinks to be in cast iron, not woolly. But I do see that you do not want to hurt your parents. Would it be possible to write this down, like you have for us, so that they understand? Maybe book your CM but arrange for them to pop in and see them before the wedding (if poss) so they still feel involved? Good luck!

compo - I worry that if you're someone's "back-up", you don't take it as seriously as if you're someone's first choice (in that you assume it probably won't come to pass and so don't keep the dates totally free iyswim?).

I just know that I'll stress and obsess about calling on CM as back-up on the day - even if she's agreed to it - only to discover she's out or unavailable.

I know this isn't especially rational of me, but in a way that's irrelevent. To feel prepared for the birth I'd like to eliminate as far as I can as many of the niggly what-ifs as poissible so that I don't panic for the rest of the pregnancy.

Yes, I know my parents find the situation very sad and difficult but I'm afraid that contact that with my sister would compromise my own health and sanity far too much to do it for their sake.

Compo good grief you know nothing about the background between the OP and her sister. "Are you sure life isn't too short?" - some people in life are mean and nasty and toxic. I have no idea about the op's sister, but the OP does so let her choose what to do about it eh?

Notanumber - I feel for you, yes a tricky situation. My first thought was what a cow to have her wedding on your due date - assuming she knew about it.

Re the dilemma. I would get worried too and i can understand exactly your feelings about wanting definite plans, not back ups etc.

I would risk upsetting your parents but try and be really clear and diplomatic and gentle with them. I can understand your thoughts - only hope they can too. Surely the thing is, if they are needed that weekend then they won't be able to do it anyway so it's not like they will be missing out on anything anyway? Good luck.

She isn't the back up though is she? You would be asking if she is definitely available on that date as your parents aren't?

If you can afford it why not book your ds in anyway on that date. If you are in labour, then fab. If not, and you are overdue, then it would be lovely to have a few hours break from your ds and you could do something lovely with your dh. This could help to pass the time while you wait for the baby, also would (if necessary) take your mind off the wedding.

redleaves, thanks for the understanding! Yes, my sister is aware of the due date but if that's what she wants to do, then let her do it . This kind of game-playing makes her happy. Which is why I have nothing to do with her.

In compo's defence however, I'm sure she didn't mean to be simplistic about the situation. If you don't have experience of toxic family member it can be very hard to understand families who do.

onepieceoflollipop and LittleSilver that's a fantastic idea. I will book him in to go to the CM on that date whatever happens.

I'd been thinking that it would have to be a "will you take DS if call you on the day?" arrangement, but clearly a definite booking would make things watertight in terms of her being available.

If it doesn't happen on that day (and it obviously isn't going to purely because I'm stressing about it so much!) then she gets paid anyway so it's win-win for her.

It's only money, and well worth the peace of mind. You are geniuses! Thank you!

Hope it all goes nice and smoothly for you notanumber!

Sorry didn't mean to cause offence

yes I do have experience of this, my aunt died with her two sons estranged, it broke her heart

I'm not judging just reminded me of a sad thing that happened in my own family

anyway I too think the childmindr won't see herself as backup if you explain the situation

Good luck and sorry again

Don't be sorry compo, I know you didn't mean anything by it.

These kind of things always sound petty and pointless from the outside and everyone involved is hurt and upset so the solution seems obvious...except it never really is!

I don't blame you for suggesting it at all and I'm not upset or offended. You're very nice to apologise though

oh good!

Good luck with the pregnancy , I too panicked about childcare for my eldest when pregnant with no2 - all my family live away and when I posted on here some posted that they couldn't believe I didn't have a mate I could call anytime night or day close by, I felt like a right billy no mates

compo now I feel I"ve been mean. I don't normally jump in like that but felt sorry for notanumber, happily unnecessarily. Hope you didn't feel got at by me. Sorry.

can you explain to your parents about why you need these arrangements to be completely in place well in advance? might they be more receptive to being 'un-asked' if they understand your anxiety?