To think my mother is being a spiteful narrow-minded cow!

[Theresnoplacelikehome]

I'm a regular here, but have namechanged for this as some of my family are on MN.

I need some perspective on this...

I have recently "come out" as gay to myself and everyone I know at the grand old age of 25 and I finally feel happy and comfortable and secure in my own feelings and have been seeing a lovely girl for a while now and things are going well so far.

I hadn't told my mother, because we hadn't really seen each other much but I honestly didn't think it would be too much of a shock or much of a big deal - Oh how wrong I was!!! I told her the other day and she basically went crazy!

She's told me I am no longer welcome as part of her family, sent me texts saying that I am disgusting and the whole idea makes her feel physically sick. Apparently it's not "normal" or "natural" either . I have a daughter and although I know she's spouting utter rubbish it's really upset me that she's continuously emailing / texting / leaving messages to say my daughter should be taken away from me, that her seeing me and my new partner kiss is going to "screw her up" etc. My daughter (6) knows what it means to be gay and how some kids have 2 mummies or daddies, I explained this to her when she started school as one of the children in her class has 2 daddies. This at the time also caused my mother much stress - I did it to ensure my daughter doesn't grow up with such narrow minded views as my mother clearly has, she thought it was an horrendous thing to teach a child..

I am really just so shocked and at a total loss of what to do. Is it really just because she's of a different generation as some of my mates have said of is it because she's just a spiteful homophobe? Even if she couldn't understand or accept the way I am then surely she could just not say anything at all, rather than deliberately making me feel terrible and upset and like I have in someone disadvantaged my daughter. Me being gay makes no difference to my parenting abilities, although she fails to see this!

So, AIBU? Should I have expected this reaction as it is such a big shock to find out your only daughter is gay?

Any advice - anyone been in this situation? Should I ignore her for a bit to get used to the idea (looks unlikely right now) or should I sit her down and talk to her knowing she's going to make me feel like it's something to be ashamed of and probably make me upset and angry

just ignore her, she might surprise you by getting her head around it.

well, some parents would have already worked it out...

you have a daughter, so she isn't going to have no grandchildren

i don't see what you can do but ignore her until she stops being mental about it.

YANBU

I'd give her time to get used to the idea- like coldtits said she may just need to get her head round it.

Don't worry, a happy parent in a stable relationship is far more healthier for a child than an unhappy parent living a lie.

Nobody will ever take your child away from you for being gay. FWIW my aunt is like a surragate mum to me and she's gay. It has never made a difference to me.

What a shame. Your mum should be ashamed of herself, hopefully she'll come round later. My dad can be a bit like this - he will insist on talking about how revolting he finds homosexuality 'on a personal level' and then patting himself on the back for not objecting to equality laws. He thinks this counts as being enlightened. I do think it is a generational thing - presumably when your mum was younger, it was still illegal?

Doesn't excuse her attitude at all, though. No idea how to deal with it but perhaps she will mend her ways for the sake of your daughter.

Congratulations on coming out btw!

I think you should stay away from her. It may be a shock, some people are still very ignorant. But what she's said is going to be hard for you to forgive!

And why should you go crawling round her trying to get her to talk? You've done nothing wrong! You don't need to try to talk her round, you don't owe her an explanation.

Sod her.

She wants to be a bigoted cow, she loses a daughter and granddaughter. I promise you she'll suffer more than you will.

Enjoy your life, enjoy your family and be happy with yourself.

If your mother wants to come to you with a huge apology, then I hope things work out for you. If not, her loss.

It's no different to, say, her abusing you if you were a white woman and you took a black husband. Nobody would say you had to try to talk to her and bring her round. They'd say fuck her. And quite right too.

well said JUSTMYTWOPENCEWORTH!

That was what i ws going to say, (and a few other things but i won't share them!).

OP just be happy being who you are and well done for raising a well rounded little girl who accepts people for who they are.. Who could ask for more.

how horrible for you

I would distance myself for a while - just to limit the amount of damage she can do to your relationship (and your dd) while she is going through this anger/grief/whatever phase.

I know how hurtful it is to have your mother reject you for who you are - I would surround yourself with people who accept and can support you, for now.

She may well come around and accept it, but she will have a lot of apologising to do!

my best mate had a similar problem when she first came out to her parents
5 years down the line and her parents have met her partner and have accepted it, although aren't joyful about it obviously
it is a huge shock but her comments were unacceptable
I would write her a note explaining that you won't be contacting her whilst she is giving you verbal abuse

Pheh... FWIW, I'd suggest staying clear for a while. She'll work out herself whether it's better to be a: resolutely nasty or b: see her daughter and grandaughter.

If she goes for a) I reckon you & yours have dodged a bullet...

It could be a generational thing, I suppose, though I'm not convinced about that. I'm now a pensioner but I wasn't at all shocked when my son mentioned that one of his best mates from school (who was often at our house) was gay, and I didn't feel at all uncomfortable when his best mate and boyfriend were here at my house. They are a lovely couple and are going to get married soon.

You are the same person now as you were before you came out. The only thing that's changed is your mother's behaviour towards you. By the sounds of it, her reaction wasn't one of shock, it seems too articulate for that.

You being who you really are is the best thing for your daughter.

Must be a big shock for her.

My sister left her husband for a woman last year and my parents seem to be having a hard time accepting it. But they're meeting her partner next month for the first time, so seem to be coming round now. My sister felt that my mum was so harsh about it, that she wondered if she had tendencies herself!

Do you have a father? If you do, what does he think about it?

SK

Generational thing is just another way of justifying bad behaviour.

Lots of things are out in the open now that weren't years ago, life moves on.

Your mother must be in shock but there is really no need for her to be like this.

I would give her some space but if you think she will not contact you and you want contact then you will have to talk to her and say how things will be if she doesn't stop with her vile nonsense.

She is being v.v.v unreasonable!

Good luck with however you handle it.

YANBU - how sad..

Hopefully once she has had time to get over the shock she'll issue a grovelling apology, if only to maintain her relationship with her granddaughter.
IIWY I'd let her know that until you can be sure she wouldn't be making any nasty/confusing comments in front of your LO, she won't be getting time with her.

Hope it all works out.

she sounds as though she is in shock and hopefully will change but it does seem odd that you would say you didn't think it would be a big thing for her. Of course it is.

The generation thing doesn't really work as an excuse. My mum is a very old fashioned 73 year old and is not homophobic at all. We all guessed my cousin was gay, long before she came out. My whole family were fine with it and we all love her long term partner too.

Keep away and give her time to get used to it. If she's normal, she will miss you after a while and start to build bridges with you. If not, it's her loss. My mum didn't speak to me for a year because I (shock, horror!) left home to live with my boyfriend back in the 80's. I mean, what on earth was she going to tell the neighbours???

Thanks for all your replies, was just nice to write it all down too and get it out of my head in a way.

My dad isn't around, so no male opinion or rational voice for her to listen to in that way.

Zookeeper, because it hasn't been a big deal to the rest of my family and friends, quite the opposite, discussed and accepted, that's it. I wouldn't behave this way if my daughter came out as gay when she's older, nor would most of the people I know. It's one tiny thing about me, it isn't everything about me - if that makes sense.

2old4thislark - That's actually one of the things she said to me - not to come to her house with my GF, as she doesn't want her neighbours knowing I'm gay as they'd be disgusted! Fuckwit.

YANBU, you're a grown up. Your sexuality is no-ones business but your own. If your mother has issues, they're her problem, not yours.

Rasputin is absolutely right. Give her some time to get her head round it. She still loves you but is probably in shock. It may well be a generational thing but that doesn't make her ignorant. Just not what she expected.