to believe that parents should be proactive in getting their dc to behave

[littlebylittle]

this is borne of some frustration that my neighbour's ds, 4.3, still has hitting, hair pulling as his communication of choice when things are not going his way. It is not this per se that I object to, I genuinely believe that children develop at their own pace. However, I struggle with the apparently passive approach that is taken when it happens. I am also understanding of a "logical consequences" discursive approach rather than punishment; it is what I use myself. However, at dd's age, 4.3 I believe that the logical consequence of physically hurting another child is perhaps that they should be removed from the fun situation, even if temporarily. This is difficult as my neighbour believes that explaining to my dd what she did to cause the hit is appropriate logical consequence. Often this is, well ds doesn't want to play with dd any more so he hit her. If an apology is given, it is from my friend. We often end up leaving the play (in our street, not the child's home) because dd is upset and not wanting to be hit. I do believe that the child in question has communication difficulties, but in this situation, should the parent be diong more to move things towards a situation where her ds doesn't hit to get what he wants. The other day, my dd said in a loud voice "i don't want you to hit me ever again" I was very proud of her assertiveness, but didn't agree when my neighbour said that it's so much more powerful when children do it for themselves. Yes, absolutely, but they need to be supported in this by adults who also assert and support.
Bit of a rant, but essentially, to what degree should nature take its course in this situation? I'm thinking we could have a bit of a wait on our hands for him to learn the no hitting concept by himself!!

He's not going to learn if his parents arent helping but he's nto your kid so nothing you can do other than keep your dd away from him really. Feel for him a bit too actually as life wont be easy like this.

My sister was like this with my nephew - he would poke ds in teh eye or hit or bite or whatever and sister would say 'yes, I know he's got your toy hasnt he, take it back' - argh, gets me angry just thinking about it!!!

I would be inclined to say something neutral along the lines of "we don't hit each other." Also if your neighbor tells your DD why he's hit her, I would butt in and say "don't worry darling, it's not your fault."

Kids hit each other, everybody knows that, but your neighbor making it out to be your DD's fault--that would make me see red.

Yanbu

lend her a copy of Lord of the Flies

thank you! i do feel over a barrel because of the location - can't avoid really as easily as if they lived even a street or so away. i pretty much know we'll need to accept most of it cos parents so fundamentalist in their at their own pace approach. annoys me tho that it feels no one wins. their ds has a really limited circle and those he does play with get hit! i limit sessions of play but dd is childlike in her forgiveness! makes me take her cue, but i saw red the other day when his mother said my dd was intolerant not to want a cuddle ten mins after being hit!!

as a side question, is it reasonable of me to have expected dd to make her own apologies from an early age and to hope that others dc might apologise too. Note, hope not expect! I sort of think that some things happen before the age of understanding and then become understood a bit later.

baby barrister, btw, dd went through a pushing stage and a few carried through consequences all but did the trick.

But Little

Do you not realise that some children are just perfect in every way and that any neighbours, teachers or other mums that complain about them are being totally unreasonable and just don't appreciate their perfectness?

Your neighbor sounds dire. I would avoid and if she has a go at your DD again about not wanting hugs, tell her DD doesn't want a hug because he's just hit her and she's afraid he's going to do it again.

swanandduck! good point that i will remember humbly! the frustrating thing is that dneighbour is on the one hand ineffectual with her son and on the other very sweet and apologetic. But in the end the apologies from her are a bit meaningless. You are helping me to get this off my chest.

are you my dh in disguise leQueen? apart from the hormonal bit!