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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DP to stand up for DD ...

25 replies

MCDL · 21/03/2010 09:57

AIBU to expect DP to stand up for DD.

DP and I have a 3.5 old child together, he has 2 other children 18 and 22 from a previous marriage, the split was very difficult on everybody. His children dis own our daughter as do some members of his family.

On Wednesday last DP and DD met his sister and five year old daughter (dd's cousin) who meet often in his mothers house. When he went to say hello to them in public both he and dd were ignored. AIBU to expect him to confront her about this and to ask her where does this leave relationships between her daughter and his.

OP posts:
MrsSawdust · 21/03/2010 10:07

This sounds a very difficult situation, particularly for the children.

Presumably your DP has a good relationship with his mother? Would she ignore your dd in public? Does she acknowledge you as his partner and the mother of her GC? Maybe she should have a word with your dp's sis.

diddl · 21/03/2010 10:12

I can see why you are upset.
However,your daughter gets on with her GM& cousin.
It´s up to his sister & if he forces it she might stop the cousins meeting.
I would leave it.

VinegarPatronSTofTits · 21/03/2010 10:13

I think if his family are petty enough to ignore a 3 yr old then its their loss and they are not even worth arguing with

at the end of the day what good will it do?

tbh it sounds like the sister was ignoring him more than ignoring your dd

what happened between them that made them so against him?

Original poster
MCDL · 21/03/2010 10:17

Yes DP has a good relationship with his mother. She would not ignore in public and recognises me as his pather and mother of her GC. DP's sister lives with her mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
MCDL · 21/03/2010 10:21

Relationships I beleive were never very good with DP and his family, his seperation from his wife and the birth of our DD went very hard on his children .. Seems though that bridges are very slow to get mended. We are together 6 years ... People are not moving on. Sometimes I feel like bowing out of the whole lot ...

OP posts:
VinegarPatronSTofTits · 21/03/2010 10:26

i think after 6 yrs she needs to get over it, and your dp needs to grow a pair and tell her so, she cant pick and choose her brothers partner for him

diddl · 21/03/2010 11:03

If relations were never good, it might not really be anything to to with you & daughter, but that it has been used an an excuse by those looking for one iyswim.

Original poster
MCDL · 21/03/2010 11:10

Whatever the fall out. I think adults for sake of the children need to be grown up enuf to put it behind even for five minutes and say hello ... It cost nothing.

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/03/2010 11:16

Were you 'the other woman'? not saying its right but they may never get over it if that is the case, have seen it happen with a friend, and any child from the new relationship is just a reminder of the betrayal they feel, well in my friends case at least.

Original poster
MCDL · 21/03/2010 11:31

Yes our dd will always be the reminder of the betrayel they feel ..

OP posts:
macdoodle · 21/03/2010 11:35

Well my view son the OW are well know and I do feel for your DP's older children!

HOWEVER! It is not fair to make children to blame for the fuck ups of their parents, and I feel for your daughter, how will she feel when she is older Sounds like an awful mess!

FWIW, I have worked very hard, bit my tongue, to NOT let my XH OW's child bear the brunt of my hurt (yes complicated), she is after all my daughter's sister, they share grandparents and cousins, and it not her fault that both her parents (IMO) are waste of spaces!

I also hide my disgust for the OW as my children have some contac with her and I will not let them be tainted by the mess the adults made!

BUT, it is very very hard, and I am quite proud that my daughters have a good relationship with their (half) sister, and even the OW!

It hurts me even now 4 years later, but they are ok and happy and that is my priority, I can understand though how it is not that easy to do!

Original poster
MCDL · 21/03/2010 11:45

Wow. Macdoodle. to not let my XH OW's child bear the brunt of your hurt. This is totally fantasic.

My sitation is the opposite Ex wife does everything in her power to make sure our dd bears the brunt of her hurt ..

OP posts:
macdoodle · 21/03/2010 11:49

I'm sorry for your daughter MCDL
I hope that one day it will come right, no hurt children

Original poster
MCDL · 21/03/2010 12:03

Yes it a bad situation dont think bridges will ever mend. DP tends to do whats easiest and not whats best at all times .. If he had his way he would draw a line in the sand with brothers, sisters, mother and his children.

OP posts:
LetThereBeRock · 21/03/2010 12:04

You posted about this situation before didn't you? and the thread exploded. Sorry to hear that things are no better now for your dd.

Original poster
MCDL · 21/03/2010 12:06

Yes the thread exploded but it opened our eyes to our faults and failings. Things no better but we can only but keep trying ...

OP posts:
MrsSawdust · 21/03/2010 12:17

I can sort of understand the ex wife never being able to rise above her hurt and anger (though not condone it) but why does your DP's sis persist in keeping the feud going? That's her flesh and blood niece she's disowning

Original poster
MCDL · 21/03/2010 12:24

Dont know .. that is a good question why would she persist in keeping the feud going. Perhaps she has her own problems. Her daughter has little or no contact with her father. Touch of jealousy perhaps that her brother even though in very difficult circumstances loves all of his children. Feel sometimes she is the catalyst and the cause of a lot of the problems ..

OP posts:
littlemoominmamma · 21/03/2010 12:31

If he had his way he would draw a line in the sand with his children? What exactly do you mean by that?

Tiredmumno1 · 21/03/2010 13:05

Fgs they are adult age and your dd is just a baby still really. Tell them to fecking grow up and get a life, and if they dont just dis own them, they will regret it one day

diddl · 21/03/2010 13:12

Whilst I agree that snubbing a child is horrible, you can´t make his sister accept the situation if she doesn´t want to.

It does seem as i it´s her brother she has the problem with though.

harimosmummy · 21/03/2010 14:33

OP - it's sad that they don't get on. But, do they really have to?

My DS and DD (both under 2) have two elder sisters (now teenagers). As it is, they all get on fine (with DS, especially, revelling in the attention! - he loves when DSDs have friends round!!!)

But, I'd never try to force a relationship on them. I don't think you can force a teenager into thinking a certain way.

I'm pretty sure my DSDs never mention (or rarely) my DC at their mums.. (DH's ex's take on it: I don't have a son, so you don't have a brother) - and she would cross the stree rather than acknowledge my kids, but that's not against the law, and I'm not about to get stressy with my DSDs because their mother is a lunatic!!

All you can do is be open and facilitate a relationship. You cannot make them have one.

Just concentrate on your DC. And let your DP parent all of his kids (or atleast be there for all of his kids). Don't make him choose. They are ALL his kids.

harimosmummy · 21/03/2010 14:39

Just reading the rest of this thread:

tiredmumno1 - They are ALL OP's DH's kids. SOme 18-22 YO are very independent. Others aren't.

I know for sure that my DSD1 (now 15YO) is more mature than I was at 19/20YO.

They are all DP's kids and I don't think he should be asked / told to prioritise.

The needs of the elder kids should be so different to the needs of the younger one, I can't see an overlap.

As for the dissent? Just remove the 3.5YO from it. She doesn't need these people in her life and she is too young to take it on voard right now.

pranma · 21/03/2010 14:56

Well we have 'my' 2 kids and 'his'3 and we have 9 grandchildren.Only sd is a problem.All are adults now and sd lives in Canada.Her ds[4yrs] has ASD and since my dd had her own ds1and 2 sd has disowned all of us.She came over while I was having chemo[at our expense]accused me of using chemo 'as an excuse to do nothing' she left to stay with friends after 24 hours and hasnt contacted dh since.Step parenting is a mine-field.
Sorry didnt mean to go off in thread jack mode.
Your lo shouldnt have to be with people who are so unfeeling to a small child.

Original poster
MCDL · 22/03/2010 12:48

Thank you for all opinions on this ... It really does help ..

OP posts:
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