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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you think my mother is being manipulative?

48 replies

Treats · 20/03/2010 21:04

I had my first baby last September and both my mother and my MIL are absolutely over the moon and very involved grandmothers. My sister also had a baby three weeks after me and we've become very close through our shared experiences and have supported each other a lot.

I briefly discussed with my sister the possibility of going away together in the summer - hiring a cottage with our husbands and babies so that we could share activities or babysit for each other while we do our own thing. For various reasons, it's not going to happen, which is fine. But I made the mistake of mentioning it to my mother who immediately started hassling me to go away for a week with them. Now from my point of view, this is a very different proposition - not least for DH - they're a different generation, they would want to do different things and my mum would want to spend lots of playing time with DD but not much hands on care. There wouldn't be the mutual support we would get with going away with my sister.

I tried to find a way of saying no that wouldn't upset her, but she wouldn't let it go. She kept on saying "But you wanted to go away with your sister". I felt like I was being goaded into losing my temper with her so that she could be the victim and the injured party and I would then be forced to make reparations - i.e. back down and go on holiday with them. She really wouldn't let it go and I felt very resentful about it.

I thought the whole thing had gone away - they went on a big trip round NZ and it's only been mentioned briefly since they got back, in a 'did you think any more about coming away with us in the summer' kind of way. But yesterday, she called to say that they've booked a cottage in Norfolk for the first week in July. Well blow me if DH and I haven't also booked a week in Norfolk in the first week of July!!! Which she knew full well.

AIBU to think that she's just trying to find another way to get her own way? But what do I do? I'm tempted to thwart her every attempt to meet up while we're both there, but that would be really childish and, actually, a shame for everyone - not least my DD and my dad (although my DH wouldn't mind!!). But I really hate the idea that she thinks she's entitled to invade our private holiday and trample all over my wishes.

How should I handle this??

OP posts:

Squitten · 22/03/2010 10:10

Tricky one. Very naughty of your mum to do this.

You can't stop them having a holiday in Norfolk at the same time as you but you can control how much they do or don't see you. I would be honest and tell them that you have a lot of stuff planned as a family but that you will include them in something - if you don't, there's also nothing to stop them just turning up at your cottage!

You most certainly cannot ask them to babysit for you - that would be completely out of order.

If you really, really, REALLY don't want to have a discussion about it, you can always tell them that you've cancelled your trip when in fact, you have not...

For what it's worth, I sympathise. My MIL is on her own and we get summoned invited on a trip every Easter. Thank God, this year she'll be in Canada!

Holly29 · 22/03/2010 10:36

Hello OP, in my view YANBU. In fact your Mum sounds just like my Mum - and you know, it is manipulative behaviour.

If she was not being manipulative, she'd have said "Oh, OP, we really want to spend some time with you and DGC on holiday, so we are thinking of spending some time in Norfolk the same week as you, how do you feel about it?" and that would have been before booking her week. Instead, she has forced the issue to have her needs met, instead of thinking about your needs.

I constantly struggle with this type of behaviour with my Mum, and I don't have any magic answers, because I tend to find that confrontation means I get painted as "selfish" and then she gets to be the victim - when in fact it is her selfish behaviour which tends to create the problem!

If I were you I'd have a really nice conversation with her in which you say "oh, Mum, I just thought you should understand that this holiday is my special holiday with DD and DH, just the three of us. We're really looking forward to some time away just us. But seeing as you are going to be in Norfolk, maybe we could all have lunch on the Thursday" (or something equivalent). I've found that managing expectations early is the only way which creates a little bit less stress. This way, she knows what's happening, she can't say you are selfish because you have (a) given her a reason why you won't see her much but (b) are still seeing her.

Goodness I hate this type of behaviour! it makes me mad because I have ILs who are the exact opposite, really thoughtful, and it makes me realise how difficuly my own Mum can be. Good luck. Enjoy your holiday. x

Original poster

Treats · 22/03/2010 17:27

Thanks Holly - glad to hear that I'm not the only one who has this. it's funny - I never particularly got on with my MIL before DD came along, but things have improved so much. She absolutely loves being a grandma, so we've found some common ground. But she's been an absolutely model grandmother compared to my mother and I really am grateful to her.

I agree squitten - I can't ask her to babysit and I don't even particularly want or need her to. If she offers, I'll be careful not to fall into the trap of accepting.

I had a conversation with her earlier today - having avoided her calls all weekend. We didn't actually talk about the holiday as we had other things to discuss, but I will definitely bring it up before the end of the week. I'm meeting my dad for tea on Thursday so I'll raise it with him and see what he says. I wonder if he even knows what she's done......

OP posts:

fidelma · 22/03/2010 21:00

Treats come back and say Hi

FiveOrangePips · 22/03/2010 21:15

I think if they have booked a cottage over an hour away they aren't intruding that much. You can meet them when you want to, plan your own things - say you don't want to commit to anything because your baby is young and it will depend on how tired you are after a sleepless night etc? Just keep it vague, say "that might be interesting" rather than yes to anything your DM plans?

You could use the old "mobile reception isn't very good" excuse, and ignore all attempts your Mum makes to get in touch when you get to your holiday cottage?

FiveOrangePips · 22/03/2010 21:21

Do you think it is possible that your Mum feels excluded if you and your sister are closer after having your dc? It is a shame if this is true, but maybe your Mum (wrongly) feels threatened, especially since MIL is being so good too?

I don't have a sister, and I have a close relationship with my (very needy and demanding but lovely and helpful) Mum, so I have some sympathy for your DM and for you!

MorrisZapp · 22/03/2010 21:37

Gawd, I sympathise.

I'm only 12 weeks pg but am already having nightmares about my mum's inevitable monstrous reaction to the threat of my DPs mum being the Other Granny.

I know she will carry on just like this, always being the victim and hard done by, making every family decision into a massive emotional judgement of her.

I don't practice what I preach but ideally you would just be really honest with her - if you'd been firmer earlier it might not have reached this stage.

Not that I have the energy to speak frankly to my mum either.

fidelma · 22/03/2010 21:38

fiveorangepips how to you manage with your mum ? and what kind of things does she do/not do?

OrmRenewed · 22/03/2010 21:44

My parents always used to want to go away with us before the children were born. And we had as few holidays with them with the DC too... but usually we just got together for a few days. It usually works really well. Now DH and I choose a week and a place and if we want to we invite my parents to come and stay for a few days in a nearby B&B. That way it's under our control not theirs.

kickassangel · 22/03/2010 22:02

my mum is a bit like this - if i make plans to do something with my dsis, she kind of assumes that she's included. i have actually said to her that dsis & i have a right to a relationship between ourselves which doesn't include her. i think it's part of the 'letting go' that parents need to learn - once you're an adult, you don't just do what they want & let them organise everything. it's difficult to get the right balance, after all, they are still your parents & it must be hard to realise that you don't want them around all the time.

as they're an hour away, you could prob arrange to meet up for one or two days (maybe at a venue, so they aren't on your 'territory'), but i think that at some point you need to tell your mum that just because you want to do things with your dsis, it doesn't mean you want to do the same things with her. you want to have a sisters relationship with your sis, but your mum to be your mum.

it sounds like she's v attached to her dgc - is she the same with your sis's. if she keeps making comments about you going back to work, ask her if she'd like to pay your mortgage/rent, pension, bills etc. if not, she should back off.

Original poster

Treats · 22/03/2010 22:13

She IS very fond of both her DGC, which is really at the root of her behaviour, and the reason why it's quite hard to be firm with her. She's also - and I might be over-sharing - recovering from depression, so it's nice for her to have something that she's happy about. But she just gets a bit carried away at times, and doesn't always see that her desire to be with her DGC and buy them presents and so on, might conflict with what their parents want. I'm sure this is a universal problem! I've read threads on here before from people who are terribly upset at how uninterested their parents are in their children, so I don't take my mum's enthusiasm for granted. But if I can find a way to curb her excesses on this occasion, I think it will help in the future.

I feel a lot calmer about the whole thing now. I've been avoiding her calls all weekend, but I spoke to her this morning and we had a very nice conversation about DD's christening, so I don't feel like I'm still annoyed with her. I'll chat to Dad about how I feel and see what he suggests when i see him, and then have a straightforward conversation with her.

OP posts:

MinkyBorage · 22/03/2010 22:19

omg, you lot are all so nice. I would be sorely tempted rebook my holiday and go somewhere else, and at the very least I would definitely not see her for the whole holiday. I hate being manipulated, and I don't care if her motivation is an innocent desire to see grandchildren.

FiveOrangePips · 22/03/2010 22:47

fidelma I have a Mum who expects lots of contact, texts throughout the day, then a phone call at night - she stays here at least one night of the week... but she is divorced, and although she is demanding she is also a brilliant support for me.

I don't feel the same annoyance about it as the op does - my Mum is needy, I can handle that - I wouldn't say I have a better relationship than the op does with her Mum, but my dh gets on pretty well with her too, and my dc adore her(MIL is a lot older and distant too).

Original poster

Treats · 23/03/2010 07:56

Hi Five - I hear what you're saying - and that's why I didn't go all guns blazing back to my mum about it - I do appreciate her support and I want her to have time with her GD. I think there is a balance though, which you sound as if you've got just right with your mum. And I think I have with mine - most of the time - it's just this one occasion that I think she's crossed the line. But I do know that I can put up with a lot of little irritations for the sake of all the good things that she brings both me and my DD.

OP posts:

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 23/03/2010 09:32

How about - your mother loves you and wants to spend time with you? What's so wrong about that?

fidelma · 23/03/2010 22:04

fiveorangepips It is very similar with my mum.She is divorced but remarried.She feels the need to protect us all.She is a brilliant help and I see her 4or 5 times a week.She is my best friend after my DH.The children adore her .

Krugerellie · 25/03/2010 16:44

YABU. Reading this I remembered all the lovely holidays we had with my Mum, who is no longer with us. Yes, we had issues and fall outs and all the usual family stuff - but crikey I miss it. You are lucky to have a mum who wants to spend time with you.

Pikelit · 25/03/2010 17:08

I have to say that your mother is being thoroughly disingenuous if she refuses to accept the world of difference that is a holiday with your sister and a holiday with your parents!

Given that they will be a whole hour away and not at convenient popping-in distance, I'd suggest meeting up on one particular day only to do something very specific. Provided that there is anything worth meeting up to see, that is!

SugarTits · 25/03/2010 17:20

My PIL's did this before we had dc's. We'd been there a week and on the day that PIL's were due to arrive at their resort half an hour away they arrived at our villa. We asked if they'd like to stay overnight, which they did and we all had a lovely meal together. The next day they went to their hotel about 45 mins away and dh and I prepared to get on with the shagfest that had been our holiday. Within a few hours they arrived at the door with a suitcase! That was when I knew I had a controlling MIL.

Yes it's lovely to have grandparents who are involved and want to be with your dc's, but in my experience you need to establish that you set the rules very early on.

Happybutknackered · 25/03/2010 18:25

YANBU. Yes she is your mother and she wants to spend time with you and your family but that doesn't mean that you have to let her rule your life. She is in the wrong to push herself on you like this and it doesn't make for a healthy relationship. There should be mutual respect on both sides and she really isn't respecting you here.
I think you need to be gentle but firm and make it clear that this is YOUR holiday and you want to spend it how YOU want. Maybe agree to meet up once but don't let her have her own way or you may set yourself up for future problems. Good luck.

Original poster

Treats · 25/03/2010 21:54

Update on this. I had my dad round for tea this afternoon and mentioned the issue to him. He hadn't realised what Mum had done. He's always very concerned to make sure that she's happy - it was very tough for him when she was depressed and he doesn't want to go back there - but he sympathised with my feelings. We agreed that DH and I would suggest an outing that we could all go on together for one day in the holiday and that he would discourage her from visiting or contacting us for the rest of the time. I'm happy with this compromise and am looking forward to the holiday.

OP posts:

Original poster

Treats · 25/03/2010 21:56

I hope I haven't come across as a spoilt brat here - I know that not everyone is as lucky as I am in having an attentive and involved mum. Just wanted to restate that I love my mum, I love spending time with her and most particularly I love seeing her with DD. But I do think that any relationship relies on mutual respect for each others wishes and on this particular occasion I don't think she showed that for me. But it's because I love her and want to do the best thing for us that I wanted to handle it well. Thanks for all your advice ladies.

OP posts:

EdgeofReason · 25/03/2010 22:13

Great result Treats (and v impressed you had your dad round for tea - mine still passes the phone to mum... or talks to DD and Ds rather than me)

Have great trip x

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