Be gentle, I'll start crying again (sorry, v.v. long)

[TootaLaFruit]

Yes, thread title might be sightly melodramatic, but I am pregnant, hormonal, tired and ill, so in this case my blubbery-ness is justified (I think?)

My AIBU is dh-based. I've been trying to shake off a nasty cough and cold for the past two weeks (am 34 wks pregnant), which dd has also had. I'm finally coming to the end of it but now am just feeling lethargic, shattered and overall crappy.

DH went out for a friend's birthday last Sat, didn't come home till the early hours (which is fine, I'm not his mother) but it meant he was passed out the next morning so I had to get up with dd at 6:30am (still feeling ill) and make myself breakfast and everything on Mother's Day (after he had promised that it would be 'special'). He eventually got up at 9am and was full of apologies, 'I'll do this, I'll do that'. He then went upstairs to write my card and when he came back down it was really lovely, and he had gotten me a present from dd too.

It's such a mixture between loveliness and crappiness - usually any cards or pressies from dd via him make me cry, and although it was beyond lovely, I had been up since 6:30am and just felt like crap, to be honest, so the moment was kind of ruined.

Anyway, after a looooong week my friend invited me out to the cinema last night. In the afternoon I felt really, really tired and rubbish, to the point where I didn't want to go (however, this was my only chance of any fun so I did go - at one point thought I was going to pass out in the cinema and was desperately trying to point my face towards the air-con to try and cool down).

When I got home dh was up playing Playstation (fine). I told him I needed a hug and was duly informed that I just had to wait 2 minutes for him to finish his game. Then cue loveliness, putting me to bed (at which point we discovered a red rash all over one side of my bump, which is itchy and looks kind of pus-y. Sorry if tmi, I don't think it's anything lethal, it just added to how shitty I was feeling, if you see what I mean.)

At this point (11pm) dd wakes up and starts yelling in her bed. DH says 'you stay there' to me and goes to lie down with dd. But Playstation obviously proves too tempting as he gets up to go back downstairs, and dd starts wailing again. After about 5 mins it is clear he is not coming back up, but she is in the room next to me so impossible for me to sleep through it, plus in my ill emotional state her crying gets me all upset so I go in to lie with her.

After a while he comes up and does the whole 'oh no, you go back to bed' thing, but I think I have her settled so I tell him to go to bed. He makes me promise to come get him if i can't sleep. After an hr or so my presence is obviously too distracting for dd who keeps getting up to hug/headbutt me in the dark, so I go into the bedroom to get him. He is not there. He is downstairs playing Playstation (and would not have come up unless I'd left her crying for about 15 mins, it would seem).

So... he spends the night with her (for which I am very thankful) but this morning he has to go to work. I am still feeling crap and upset about itchy rash, so I suppose am being a bit morose. He gets dd up, changes her and gets me some cream for bump. He then offers to bring me up a cup of tea (very kind) but I say 'no, I'll have to go downstairs in a minute anyway so I'l have it down there.'

Anyway, he then gets up to leave without making me the tea. I know this sounds so pathetic and IABU, but it just upset me that I am clearly feeling so crap, have an entire day of looking after dd ahead of me (including making her breakfast straight away so I won't even get to eat for a while). He must have sensed my iffiness, so i told him I was upset he didn't make the tea and instead of 'oh, I'm so sorry' he started going 'f**cking hell' under his breath and doing a 'you are insane' eye roll at me. He then said angrily 'I have to leave for work!' and tried to kiss me, which of course I turned away from as I was pissed off by his reaction and feel like crap, and he stormed out slagging me off and slammed the door.

He is so kind on one hand but I just feel like he never, ever puts me first. AIBU? Maybe this is just life.....

Sorry, that was so long. Thanks to anyone who got to the end without falling asleep.

I can sympathise with the Playstation thing but other than that.... think he sounds reasonablyattentive/trying his best..?

(am 36 weeks with no.4 and think maybe you are being a little over sensitive - I know I certainly am atm.)

I was up very early on Mother Day morn too..... and I let him sleep in the day before.

I don't think you're unreasonable as such, just tired and ill. This sounds like one of those situations where the H has made a genuine effort but you need more. The pull of the playstation is a powerful one isn't it . When you're ill things like this become overwhelming. Just give him a kiss when he comes in and sort it out.

Oh poor you, you do sound really miserable.

I would get the rash looked at if I were you, it sounds like it was part of why you were feeling so ill?

I think your DH is trying, bless him - but he doesn't seem to be giving you his full attention.
I know from experience that doing something halfheartedly might as well be not doing it at all.

Your poorly so understandable at the unwell feeling, but tbh, you do come across and a needy person, and unreasonable, as is your dh mind you, both of you need to turn of the computer in the evening and have a good nights sleep.

Id see the MW about the rash tbh also, even tho it is most likely viral, Id still ask for advice on it x

I think you are tired, grotty and run down, so things feel bleaker than they are. I think the tea was a genuine misunderstanding - that he thought you meant no, don't bother, rather than no, make it but don't bring it up.

I think your hubby is kind of sweet but also obviously sounds laid back too. I think he was just in his "own little world" and not really thinking. I don't think he is trying to be mean. Just being a typical bloke.

I think your hormones maybe getting the better of you a little

It wasn't nice of him to whisper under his breath 'f**cking hell or roll his eyes though.

I think maybe when he gets home tonight after he's had a while to sort himself out, you need to tell him how rotten you feel and say please can he deal with DD tonight and if she's cries go straight to her etc. That last night you found it difficult because of xyz. And if you have ear plugs, tell him you're going to use them and do. After a good nights sleep you'll feel better.

Aw Toot - sorry you are feeling like crap. FWIW I can totally relate to the Playstation thing as my DH was exacty the same - sometimes they are like little boys and need telling.

Have you said to him that the Playstation thing is an annoyance at times? He might need to understand that there are times to use the PS and times when he should not. I know he may find it a relaxation but he has a child and another one on the way so needs to accept that there are times when he just should not be using it.

You may be hormonal but a little consideration towards you would go a long way. He does sound considerate in other ways but needs to perhaps agree that he has a set amount of time on the PS and then it should go off while he deals with real life.

Make yourself a cuppa while you sort out your DD. Also perhaps see a GP about that rash - a skin infection cannot be making you feel any better.

Hope that helps a bit - look after yourself. Doers your DD have a sleep during the day? If she does then curl up on the bed with a book and a drink - make sure you rest too.

Thanks Lady, I can totally see how silly I look from the outside but you know when you're stuck in an emotional bubble and can't see straight? I also think it stems from a deeper issue, whereby it drives me crazy that he always drops everything for his parents/siblings, even if it means putting me/dd second.

He also hates criticism of any kind, so me telling him I was feeing upset because of his actions would have really wound him up. He is wonderful and I love him to pieces, but he just seems to resent me being ill and needing his help/attention above and beyond what he wants to do.

Um, I think you are being oversensitive. Sorry, not making light of how crap you feel at all.

But, he probably assumed you would make the tea yourself when you came downstairs if you see what i mean.
Also, he had been in with dd all night, so probably got headbutted, cuddled etc and generally no sleep and then got up to go to work.
He is probably knackered and then being told off for a misunderstanding would have been a bit crap from his point of view.

Re mothers day, so he got up late, when he did get up he knew that, he tried to make mends and you said yourself he had been lovely. But you were still pissed off with him. You could have gone back to bed.

So, YANBU to feel crap but YABU to be quite so pissed of with your husband.

If you need him to do something tell him.

I think you are just hormonal, poorly and tired and probably letting things get to you that ordinarily wouldn't bother you. Poor you, you do seem to have had a difficult week. If your DH is anything like mine he just needs telling in a non accusatory way how you're feeling and how he can help.

Sorry, x-posted with everyone's replies. Thank you to everyone with your answers - you are all spot on. He is considerate and I am hormonal. I guess I just wanted someone to look after me the way I always look after dd/dh when they are ill.

I guess that's called 'being the mummy'!

Seriously, thank you for all your replies, they are making me cry, which I think is another flashing sign that I am very tired and ill

Jollypirate - yes she does have a nap, at 11am. I will be clock-watching till then and crawling back into bed!

Thanks everyone.

You sound like you're miserable and exhausted. But your DH sounds like he's trying really hard to be honest.

Can I ask you something? What do you want him to do differently? It may help you if you can imagine how you would have liked him to behave in each of those scenarios because you might find that either a) you can explain clearly to him how you would like him to behave because he's clearly not getting it right now or that b) you won't be happy unless he's waiting on you 24/7 in which case you are probably being rather unreasonable and owe him an apology.

Hope you feel better today

I think you are being a touch unreasonable - sorry. He forgot a cup of tea. He had just spent the night looking after your dd, so perhaps he was feeling tired and a bit crap, knowing he's got a whole day at work.

I won't comment on the playstation bit as I've often been distracted by mumsnet when I should be doing something else!!

Aww poor you, I can understand where you are coming from, though your dh is really trying and sounds really lovely. I did not get anything from dh on mothers day (he did have the flu, man flue) but did not last year. When i am ill I have to get on with it, he will help out if I am really bad, is getting better as dd is getting older (she is 3). Men eh youve gotta love um. Big hugs to you

You really need to get the rash looked at. I would be worried about shingles tbh. It tends to stay on one side of the body. It would also explain why you feel so terrible.

Realy hope that you feel better soon.

Dh also love his playstation, 34 going on 4 if you ask me. Complains since having dd that he has not had the time to play his games. My friend came round with her kids, it was so funny her boy is 12 and dh reverted into child mode and asked him whether he would like to show my friends son his games and x box, heard them upstaires getting quite enthusiastic with dhs demo of his playstation and x box and all the games you can play on them, oh dear just little boys eh

Yanbu

I'm like this when I'm tired, emotional etc. My DH can't quite get it right, then he understandably gets annoyed with me.

If you just have a chat with him when he gets home, tell him how much you appreciated (pick something specific he did), apologise and explain. He sounds like he'll understand. Also by being specific about what you liked, he's more likely to remember and do it again

Also get the rash checked out asap. It could be a virus or something?

Ok, am pulling myself together.

Have had some toast, dd is busy teasing playing with the dog.

No more crying. Will make an appointment to see midwife about rash. Will go back to bed with ELLE when dd is napping.

I'm also a little embarrassed as I realise that my post is nothing compared to the problems some other MNers have.

I've never used MN before as a sounding board when I've been feeling upset, and am genuinely touched by everyone's support (and for gently pointing out to me how lovely my dh is and how oversensitive I'm being.) I think I'd have been in tears all day if it wasn't for you. Thank you.

He is trying and you have to take this into consideration. In some ways he sounds a bit like my DH - who is very good at offering to help but he is not so good if you actually want him to do something.

I think you should try telling him what you want him to do a bit - it is quite hard for him to get it right unless you tell him.

Seriously, not that it's right in any sense of the word, but my DH wouldn't have got up, spotty 34wk bump or not...

Your DH is doing everything he can so that you can just stay put and try and shake this.

Sorry love, but YABU
Go give him a big hug!

Hmm, good call Aloise, Shingles! Get that checked out sharpish OP!

Chin up!

Really, really, get the rash checked. I had this all through my last few weeks of pregnancy and kept having it dismissed by the midwives as normal. It turned out it was related to a liver problem which resulted in me getting very very ill and needing to be induced as my liver was gradually packing up - obstetric cholestasis www.patient.co.uk/health/Obstetric-Cholestasis.htm

aww dont think its a DH issue, you are just tired and run down me dear

get some preg friendly meds to blast the cold and rash
negotiate a "you deal with crying 11pm gig" night, then
have a good nights sleep

rest and do very little bat cbeebies for a few days

and when feeling better treat self to mani/pedi

thats my advice!!!!