To be really hacked off with this Mum & her dd

[MeMudmagnet]

My 10yr old dd has a friend who lives a few doors away from us. This girl is quite quiet and some have described her as a bit sneaky etc, but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. They started playing out together last summer and seemed to get on well, apart from the girl being a bit nasty on the quiet to my dd2 aged 5.

There has been a bit of odd behaviour now and again over the last year. I caught her red handed recking dds bedroom a couple of times with dd almost in tears and they've fallen out over odd things, but her Mum and myself have always got them together to talk it through and try to sort things out.

Anyway, they fell out again last week and weren't speaking at school. DD didn't seem to know why and decided to play with other friends.
I noticed this week some very large black bruises on dds legs. She told me, this girl had kicked her, when she tried to play with other kids.
Another Mum I know also approached me to say her dd had seen it happening at school.

I phoned the girls mum today after school only to be told her daughter was covered in bruises and she had been in to talk to the teacher, she had no idea it may be 2 sided!

(Sorry this is long I know )

I was obviously cross with dd about this. But she was adamant she was the one being kicked, she hadn't kicked back etc and this girl had turned the whole thing around.

I cross questioned her alot (to try and find any cracks in her story!) But she was adamant.

This Mum seems to think her dd is being bullied by mine and her other friend is in on it.
We've got them together and told them to avoid each other from now on and play with other people, but I'm sure this girl won't let it go and I feel sorry for my dd, who's never had problems like this before and being accused of something she may well be a victim of.

Am I being as bad as the other Mum, not believing my dd is in the wrong?
Should I talk to the teacher myself?

Girls squabbling is one thing but kicking etc just isn't on is it?

Did the other girl have lots of bruises also as the mum said?

I suggest you go into the school, tell the head what is happeneing as far as youknow and ask that the teachers are awars of playground behaviour and such like.

Yes. Talk to the class teacher about all of your concerns and ask him/her to monitor the situation during the day.

Explain that you feel your daughter is truely being honest but recognise that this other mother believes so also. You may even want to give him/her some of the back history if you think it is relevent. Teachers usually have a pretty good idea about children and will probably be aware of this other child's character.

Thanks for replying.

The other girl had some small marks around her knee, but you should have seen the state of dds legs!

I know girls of this age fall out, and I prefer to tell them to snap out of it. I just feel dd has been scapegoated for something the other girl has done and her Mum can't see it.
I don't believe my dd is an angel, I just have a strong gut feeling she's in the right in this situation and ahe shouldn't have to put up with it.

Yes girls do fall out alot but they usually aren't violent. Although they can be obviously. It's usually more ignoring, being spiteful or traditional bitchy behaviour. You won't be able to change this other mum's mind but you can make sure it doesn't follow into school and affect life there. Speak to the teacher on Monday. If nothing else you can put your dd side acroos and if you are worried the marks might have disappeared by Monday. Take some photos so there is proof.

Definitely speak to the teacher. We had similar issues with ds1 and another boy in primary school, not helped by the other boy's grandad being chairman of the school board! But I think my persistence meant the head checked it out properly and eventually found ds1 was not in the wrong.

soapboxqueen is right - definitely take pictures and show them to the school. If this other mum tries to pass it all off on your DD, then she won't get far, and they will have to investigate to find out the truth. Kicking is way beyond the normal realm of girls squabbling.

The fact that another girl witnessed your DD being kicked is also important, and something to stress to the school. I'd go to them quickly and be completely transparent about it - yes, it seems as though your DD isn't completely innocent here, but the weight of the issue dies appear to be coming from this other girl. Don't put your own DD down of course, but admitting that she isn't an angel will go a long way to making your story the more believable of the two if the other girl's mum goes in there laying the blame on your DD alone. The school will be able to see the rest for themselves.

take photos of the bruising so you have evidence in case this escalates further

Thanks for all the advice on this. I'll speak to the school on Monday and take some pictures today before her bruising fades anymore.

I wasn't sure if I was being all, "My baby would never do such a thing!!"
If I thought for one minute she was involved in bulling I'd come down hard on her and I'm a bit annoyed the Mum didn't think to mention anything to me, I had hoped she would be shocked when she saw dds legs.

A bit of an update on this.

I went in to school on Monday and spoke to DDs teacher. I showed him a photo of the week old bruising (which still looked pretty awful)and explained everything from her side.
He seemed quite supportive and wants to meet again in a week.

Since all this has come out My DD has been much more relaxed and happy, like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders and I'm starting to feel like I've let her down a bit. When I think back, their friendship has been very up & down, with the girl always blowing hot & cold. DD sometimes hasn't known whether she's coming or going. And I've let this girl get away with bullying behaviour in my own home as there aways seemed to be a reason behind it.

When I asked DD how the other girl got the marks on her legs, she told me she had banged her knees on the playground equipment on purpose. I wasn't sure if I believed her not.
I asked her the same question in front of the girl and her Mum and she refused to say anything. Afterwards she said, it was because the girl would "Get really funny with her" if she said anything.

IF this girl is harming herself to cover up her behaviour am I right in thinking this is quite calculating of her?

(I know the Mum left the girls abusive father)